So the reason I drank and totally accepted I was a piece of shit came up with my 4th step. I am obsessed with this turama from the past. Well years of crap ages 10-23. It hurts and I have seen a shrink and talked about it and talked and talked about it and did everything I can. Everyone agrees my childhood was bad. I am obsessed with this issue lately. I don't know what to do. I have never been at this place sober and doing the work on the issues that made drinking but a symptom of my alcoholism. Has anyone done this type of work or had a resentment you must master to move forward.
My sponcer said put it down and pray. It does get better and she has had some stuff to deal with too. She has told me some personal things.
I don't know what to do. It's been my "precious" I hang on to it look at it drool over it talk to the damn thing. Honestly I'm like freaking Ghollum with his ring. Where is this mount doom to throw the damn thing in? I know I have PTSD and yadayadaya but really come on it's heavy and I just want it healed.
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We all drank and know how to do that. It's living sober that I am learning about.
Its also okay I learned to let it lay and make an appointment to come back to it later for a certain period of time...Its okay to look...just don't stare. Obsession for me was "staring" until I learned how not to let my past own me or define me day after day. The program is recovery from what it was like then. I did a lot of asking for help and was never refused by the fellowship. I also learned that the 4th step was not preparatory to beating myself up which was very helpful and allowed me to do good work with my Higher Power, sponsor and the step. (((hugs)))
I'm glad to hear that you're working Step 4 because that was the turning-point that started to change everything for me. When I was new to 12 Step recovery, I was naive enough to think that I was the only one who had suffered trauma from a bad childhood. I thought my issues and my pain were the worst that anyone had ever endured, and that they were most likely insurmountable. With God's help, I was able to get freedom from those things as I worked the Steps. But, once I became an A.A. sponsor, I very quickly discovered that the vast majority of us alcoholics have suffered terrible horrifying situations and circumstances beyond my wildest imagination. In other words, we all have some very nasty crap to try to deal with at Step 4....so, you're not alone.
In most cases, there is usually someone in our past who has done horrible things to us which has terribly hurt and damaged us mentally, physically, and spiritually. And, over the course of our lives, we have increasingly become more and more obsessed with that hurt and have become more and more obsessed with resenting and hating the perpetrator -- which causes us a huge problem. The problem is that resentment and hatred always causes emotional pain. Actually, it gives us even more emotional pain than the original pain we already had.
There are basically two ways we can deal with this additional pain: (1.) We can drink alcohol to kill the pain. Or (2.), we can forgive the perpetrator to get rid of the pain. An alcoholic of my type always chooses option number one to kill the pain, until the alcohol starts to kill you. Then, when alcohol starts killing you, you're left with option number two -- forgiveness.
Now, at first, very few of us like the idea of forgiving our perpetrator because it seems like we're "letting them go free". But, my sponsor pointed out to me that forgiveness is "letting ME go free". It wasn't an easy choice, but as soon as I made the decision to forgive, I was totally free of the pain for the first time in my life.
That's my experience. If it worked for me, it can work for you too.
It took me several times in AA to comes to grips with this step ... It seemed to always throw me back to my past and I couldn't deal with it ... I'd go back out and try to drink it away ... that never worked ... no matter how much I tried to drink it away, after the fog lifted, it was still there ... my past kept me trapped and I nearly let it kill me by using alcohol ...
Then I got so desperate, I had to start listening to those who had made it through this step and change my way of thinking about it and the way I felt about it ... I could not turn it over to God ... then in a meeting, I brought this up and received some 'food for thought' ... I was asked if I believed in God, or a higher power, and I said yes, of course I do ... then I was asked if I thought I was better or stronger than God ? ... to which I replied 'no', I don't ... then I was asked if I felt that God was truly 'all powerful', then why could I not have faith that He would remove these character defects if I asked Him to ??? ... to which I could not respond ...
So, long story short, I came to believe that I could gather all these past things that I went through, write them down, then discuss them with my sponsor who then had me go pray about them and then crumple up my paper with these issues on them and burn them in a small ceremony of 'turning them over' to God, forever ... that's THE DAY I had the biggest weight lifted from me in my entire life ... I felt the power of God remove these from my thoughts and concern ... NOW, I was able to finish the steps and become an asset to society ...
I just had to become willing to let the old past go ... it's gone anyway and there is no possible human intervention that will change the past ... I haven't shut the door on it because there are lessons from it that give me the right thinking so at not to repeat it ... if we don't learn from our past, we're doomed to do it all over again ... so I learned to put it down and let it go and move forward ... to hold on to it it is for me to become stuck and eventually drink again ...
God bless you for bringing this to the board ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
(((((Liz))))))) It is great to "see" you on the board again. I have wondered how you are doing. Super great responses have already been given by people with longer sobriety and more experience than me. I will add my .....I just finished the 4th Step myself and had a couple of doozies on my list which I wondered why in the heck was I the one who had to do the forgiving when this person did such and such to me. And I too used that as a reason to drink. I have realized that I will do whatever it takes to stay sober and since I don't want to use ANY excuse to drink, if letting go of past things which I feel others did to me helps me not drink, then I need to do it. It may not seem like it at the time, but in time I will be happier and better off mentally and spiritually (as well as physically, because anger does have a way of working on us that way too). Also, there will be freedom from having to constantly be bringing this stuff up in my mind when I am able to let it go. I'm still working on this myself. I am hoping by continued prayer in time that will come. You are doing great! BTY
.....I just finished the 4th Step myself and had a couple of doozies on my list which I wondered why in the heck was I the one who had to do the forgiving when this person did such and such to me. And I too used that as a reason to drink. I have realized that I will do whatever it takes to stay sober and since I don't want to use ANY excuse to drink, if letting go of past things which I feel others did to me helps me not drink, then I need to do it. It may not seem like it at the time, but in time I will be happier and better off mentally and spiritually (as well as physically, because anger does have a way of working on us that way too). Also, there will be freedom from having to constantly be bringing this stuff up in my mind when I am able to let it go. I'm still working on this myself. I am hoping by continued prayer in time that will come.