I also could have spoken your words...Exactly. I didn't know where to start either. By the Grace of God I was given the Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous in a rehab. It taught me what alcoholism is....The causes and conditions of my illness. And it showed me there was a spritual solution to my problem. I was willing to do anything...That meant meetings everyday and finding someone to take me through the 12 steps...The clear cut directions are in the book. I haven't drank since...More important...It gave me a new life. Glad you are here.

(((((Raeanne)))))),
First of all you might want to go to your MD and see if there is something that can be done for the postpartum depression as that can be very serious. When you mentioned being "possessed" that scares me and is a warning sign to see a doctor asap.

Secondly, if you really have had enough and have a desire to quit drinking you and only you can make that decision. You can come here and post for encouragement and hope and you will warmly receive it. I will tell you that the ONLY thing that has helped me stop drinking was going to an AA meeting. I was scared as are most everyone going to their first AA meeting. We all were where you are and we all felt most everything you are feeling. It is going to take you going to a meeting, listening to other alcoholics share their experience, strength and hope in the meetings and you being willing to open your heart and mind up and truly listening to others which will help you stop drinking and your life will get better.

I can tell you Raeanne...I had given up on my life. I too thought of alcohol as being the only thing which made me feel better. Let me share with you that alcohol was never any friend to me or any other alcoholic. It is the biggest enemy which would have killed me if I didn't get help for my addiction. Since I have stopped drinking, my life has improved so much and my emotions and feelings of despair and hopelessness are gone. Oh, I still have problems. I always will.  However, I have realized that is just a part of life and I don't have to drink over them and most cases when I would drink, I had more problems to deal with.

The pressures of motherhood and marriage were great with me. They are with every woman. Here is a site with a message board where you can share about your own feelings as well as read about others who are sharing theirs. That way you won't feel so all alone. ...
http://forums.thebump.com/categories/postpartum-depression-support

There also may be a support group in your area for that which you can prob. find on the internet.

Once you realize that your emotions and your feelings are completely NORMAL and you are completely NORMAL and you are NOT ALONE and you want to figure out how to effectively deal with them in a healthy way instead of depending on alcohol to mask and cover them up, you will find that you will be HAPPIER, HEALTHIER and have a much LONGER LIFE and therefore be around in your children's  life. You can do this!!!!

BTY
(If you want to talk further, please send me a Private Message. If you need to talk I can give you my phone number. I keep my phone by my head during the night in case another alcoholic needs to talk, so anytime day or night.....You are not alone.)

-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Saturday 29th of March 2014 03:47:54 PM

Hi Raeanne,

I was in your same exact situation 26 years ago, and I know exactly how you're feeling right now.  The words you wrote could've been my own.  You said that you don't know where to start.  Well, it looks to me like you've already started.  It sounds like you're saying that you're powerless over alcohol and your life has become unmanageable.  That's Step One.  And, you've made a move in the right direction by coming to this A.A. board.  It has to start somewhere and this is as good a place as any.  I hope that you'll get yourself to an A.A. meeting in your area, and get your hands on a Big Book as soon as possible.  If you read that book, you'll see that you definitely WILL find God in Alcoholics Anonymous.  But, I really want to tell you that you have NOT lost God.  He has never left you, nor has He gone away from you.  He has always been with you, and He has always been loving you, and taking care of you -- even when you've been at your very worst.  There is plenty of reason to hope that you can have a great life and be happy.  Everything will change for the better if you go to A.A. and work the 12 Steps.  When I was in your spot, I prayed and asked God for help....and I kept praying.  That was the beginning of a new and happy life.  When I first prayed, I thought that I was such a bad person that God probably wouldn't hear my prayer.  (sound familiar?)  Well, I was wrong.  God DID hear my prayer and He answered it with love.  Keep posting on this board because the people are very good here and really want to help you.

Blessings, Mike D.

Raeanne


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Posts: 2
Date: 4 days ago





Well first off I would just like to say thank you to everyone for posting their stories. Coming onto this site and being able to see that I am not alone helped me gain the courage to share my story. So thank you for that. I am a 24 year old living in canada I am married to an amazing man and have a beautiful daughter, which I desperately need to get better for! So I can be the wife and mother that they so deserve.

I grew up in a home with a mentally abusive mother and step father, she would use guilt and mind games to control me and my sisters. My parents always played us against the other. My mother saying how horrible of a person my father was and visa versa. My mother was a pill popper and huffed gas. Most of my child hood she was basically high and passed out on the couch. We ended up taking care of my mother our whole lives instead of the other way around. My step father yelled, he screamed so loud it would make your ears ring, he would make threats to us and throw and slam things constantly. He beat and abused our family dog right In front of us.

When I was 11 I moved in with my father and step mother. My step mother was a very jealous person and hated me for any and every time I spent with my father. It wasn't long before more mental abuse started. She called me fat and ugly, told me I was worthless. She told me I was a horrible singer (singing was my passion and my life's dream) I hardly sing now. She criticized every sentence that came out of my mouth. She played favourites with my step brother and I, except I was never the favourite. I could no right in her eyes. So after a few years of abuse I started cutting my wrists until a friend saw my scars and told the school counsellor. Then I found alcohol. The first time I got drunk I was about 13. And I've been addicted ever since. Sneaking into my parents liquor cabinet almost every night of the week until I got caught. They were very heavy drinkers.

When I was fifteen they got divorced and I lived with my dad and my sister and the drinking only got worse. My father would drink with us and our friends. He always bought us alcohol to keep us happy. He tried to be our friend not our parent. At this point in my life I was extremely depressed. I dropped out of high school after the first month of grade 10 due to depression and social anxiety so I could go work with my father. By that time I could finish an entire 26oz bottle of liquor by myself. And I did. More frequently than I would like to admit. I got mixed up in drugs at about 16. My father treated us like wife's having to take care of him. Cook his dinner, do his laundry, clean the house. He encouraged us both to drop out of school so that We could start working with him. He never wanted us to leave him or stop taking care of him. He would even tell us about his sexual ventures with random women. Living with my dad was like living with a child, again we ended up raising our father instead of the other way around.

Just before I turned 17 I decided I wanted to break free from my father and the situation I was in, in my current town. So I moved a province away to live with my sister. I went back to school and found a part time job and was pretty happy. That was until I got pregnant by a much older man who was heavily into drugs and alcohol. I regretfully admit I ended up having an abortion. After that I lost about 30 pounds in 6 weeks. I quit school and devoted all of my time into working. But it wasn't long before the drinking started again. I got mixed up with a bad crowd and met a boyfriend who was very mentally abusive. By the end of our relationship I felt more like a dog in a cage than a human being. I was not allowed to see nor talk to any of my friends and family. I was not allowed to drink but he forced me to smoke marijuana. After we had a miscarriage I went back to work and developed an eating disorder. I became very thin and my anxiety was the worst it had ever been in my life. He was always accusing me of being with other men. Even though I spent every waking moment with him. He had the emotional independence of a toddler and treated me as if I were his mother. I was somehow responsible for everything that had ever wrongly happened to him. Ive been struggling with post traumatic stress disorder ever since.


But then I met my husband and life has changed significantly since then. He is a kind and loving man. He only wants what is best for me and loves me unconditionally. We got pregnant and our daughter was born in April of last year. At the end of my pregnancy my anxiety was so bad I had to go on medication for it for the first time in my life. And after she was born it wasn't long before I started to drink again. I stated to binge drink almost every night. The depression was so bad I couldn't leave the house. Since having her I have gained an additional 50 pounds. I am also struggling with an addiction to eating. I don't want to exercise. I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to talk to friends of family. I feel lost and alone and sad all of the time and I don't know why. The drinking has started to slow down but I will still have a night every now and then where I get completely out of control And will binge drink. I wake up the next morning violently ill.

The drinking is ruining my life, my relationships and ME. I feel ruined. I used to be a very vibrant, physically fit person. I was proud of who I was. I seemed so much stronger then I am now. even with the battle with depression and anxiety I was usually able to keep it in check with lots of exercise. But now with my daughter I just don't have the time all of my energy goes into her, I find it hard to anything else. I can only concentrate on her, my house is a mess. Our whole life as a family is a mess. And all I ever feel is guilt, depression and pain. I feel like I am ruining everything. I feel inadequate. I don't know how to get back to my former self. For the first time in my life I can't put the broken pieces back together...I am crying out for help and feel like no one is listening. I just want to get better. But I can't seem to muster up the strength.