Today I was listening to a speaker talk about how he made the transition from heavy drinker to full-on alcoholic. He started drinking with the same frequency as his friends, he said but, "Somewhere along the line, I went from drinking a little too much to becoming an alcoholic." It made me start thinking about when I hit that moment in my own journey and what I was going through at the time, and after really sitting on it all day confirmed the gravity of a moment I have thought about a lot.
I was 20 years old at the time and going through some pretty big emotional struggles. I was struggling in school, I was losing at my first real relationship, and I was having a hard time coping with becoming an adult. I had one foot in my childhood notions of how the world *should* work and the other foot in very real challenges that I was being forced to face. I was drinking heavily - though not alcoholically yet - and one night had the thought that would forever change my relationship with alcohol:
"As long as I have alcohol," I said to myself, "then I can deal with anything." No matter what was going on in my life, all I needed was money enough to purchase booze because it made me numb and happy, even if it was really bad vodka. Having that realization felt like making a new best friend and opened up the floodgates. From that point forward, I drank alcoholically because it went from being a means of fun to a means of escape. It became the way that I coped. That's when I crossed the line.
It was good to hear this speaker and to spend so much time today reflecting on this experience of mine because it helped me contextualize one of the roots of my addiction. I hear a lot in meetings that alcoholism stems from fear of the world. That was certainly my reality. Anyway, just posting to post :)
-Adam
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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
I don't know about that one Adam...I lied to myself for so long about my drinking...I'm not sure when I crossed the line. I do know at age 15...My drinking wasn't normal. People were already telling me that.
-- Edited by Stepchild on Tuesday 25th of March 2014 09:10:23 PM
I think I crossed that line, if there ever was a line, very early on. I recall being 13 and 14 wandering off into the woods to be alone with my new best buddy Jack Daniels. I drank JD because that's what my idols (musicians mostly ) were photographed drinking- and I just thought that I was the coolest thing ever. Booze became my main activity pretty early on- I truly believe I drank alcoholicly out of the gate. I also clearly remember that deep feeling of panic regarding how I was going to get 'more' - what was I to do when I ran out? I would get annoyed drinking with others because they didn't seem to need to plan for more booze when we had a full bottle- I always needed to know there would be more available if we ran out... This was right from the beginning of my drinking. I knew from very early on that I did not drink casually like most people that I knew.
Like you, Stepchild, I lived in a fierce denial for about 25 years. I don't really think that there was a 'turning point' for me.
At nine years of age I was sure that God lived in the bottle. I was born this way and my grandmother flipped the switch without meaning anyone any harm...She never knew and turned me on over the pleading of my mother. Grateful to have the reprieve.
Great to see you around Col ... thanks for sharing your story ... I have to say, for me, I was a moderate to heavy drinker for a long time (a working alcoholic in progress) ... then one day I gave up on the 'future' of my job due to a 'company take-over' and decided drinking all day was better than working ... THAT's when I started drinking everyday, all day long ... that's when the real problems in my life started coming out of the woodwork ... didn't care, long as I had something to drink ...
I continued this for a few years til I got to near death on several occasions ... that's when I decided to either 'get help' or 'die' ... ... ... I'm still here!!!
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I kept on moving the "line", so I never thought of myself as an alcoholic, because I always thought I had complete control over alcohol. I thought that right up to the last 6 months of my drinking.
"I lived to drink" Philipld responds and I can't remember ever having the "urge" to. Like I say I was born and raised in our disease and when I was more able I drank because it was there. I didn't then and yet now don't drink water as most of my family and friends do. When I was drinking alcohol I would use water as a chaser only and then wouldn't drink water at all otherwise. Sodas yes and I was most comfortable with beer and hardstuff. By the time I reached recovery the appearance of my skin was a yellowish/green color...often like the color of urine...somewhere I had crossed the line and my body was trying to compensate as all of our bodies attempt to while being poisoned. I'm pretty sure there was a line and it didn't have significance for me. What became significant was my behavior while under the influence meaning whether I was drinking or not. My thought/reaction life became bizarre at times and my self centeredness justified it as okay. Guess I did cross a line and then fell in a hole...deep one. Took the fellowships and God to get me out. Grateful.
I am so glad you are still with us, Jerry. I have seen someone in the meetings whose skin was like that. I haven't seen him in a long while and have hoped he is alright.
