At my meeting yesterday, there was a 19 year old boy who was a coke addict. He was there because he needed his "paper" signed. During the meeting (to which he was late-but he did say he was sorry for that) he didn't say anything, and passed when his turn to share came, other than to say his name and his addiction. Looking at him, you could tell he was having a rough time as he sat there-just his mannerisms made me think he was something other than an alcoholic. But he did stay to the end...and maybe wished he didn't later, because one of the people outright told him "you won't be back", and said it a rather judgmental and not kind way, I thought.
The boy insisted he would return, he HAD to, for one thing-but I just really didn't appreciate the way the others treated him. It's not like our group has no drug addicts in it-we do, and they get the same respect any alcoholic does. But I guess the thing is that this young man was there because he needed to attend due to some parole condition-and I know some in the group had moaned a bit about parollees coming at other times, like they were second-class addicts! I think this is harsh! An older female with a similar paper wasn't treated like this in previous meetings.
OK, I'm new, only been to 8 meetings myself so far, but I did not expect people to act this rudely (in my opinion) to a troubled confused sick young man, who at least WAS there, whether he had to be or not. I feel it was out of place to predict he would not return, and make it sound almost like some would even rather he didn't! I myself had felt totally welcomed and accepted from day one-if I had been there due to legal trouble and needed a paper signed, would that have changed things? Was it because he was so young, and most there were at least in their forties?
To my shame, I did nothing to help the boy. I did not say a word to defend him, did not speak to him outside, nothing-and I know how it feels to be unwanted and feel like an outsider, that is part how I ended up drinking! I simply did as I usually do when faced with unexpected rudeness-I was sort of stunned, and didn't react. I feel I should have done something, and I just hope the kid returns and people treat him more the way they treated me when I started there. Just because he's probably not sold on AA yet doesn't mean he shouldn't be welcomed-he needs help and support! If he feels welcome, it could change his life!
I went to AA only because counselors in rehab stressed that I needed to go-I never wanted to until I went and felt at home there. I was just as unwilling and not thrilled to be there as this boy was when I first came-I quickly did change my tune, but I WAS welcomed, I felt LOVED, though they did not know me! I hope this boy comes back, so at least I can welcome him! (And that is not like me, but I feel strongly I need to if I see him again!)
Am I overreacting to this? Does it sound a bit harsh and judgmental to treat the boy like this? Don't we kind of have an obligation to him on the offchance he will see something he wants in AA, something which may even save his life? I admit, I failed him, too-and I feel bad about it. But is this really practicing Step 12 very well? I think not, myself. Is that just me? I know I am no AA expert, maybe there is some good reason this happened this way. But this is the first meeting I left where I had some kind of bad feelings about going. I kind of felt like in the Bilble story where the crowd stoned Steven, and someone (I beleive it was Paul) just watched as it happened. Please give some input on this!
How sad. For the young man, AND for you. Thank God my HG made AA attractive to me when I first got there, cause I went all on my own, had they not, I'd probably still be drunk or dead.
You got a taste of "life on life's terms" I think. Or a little too much ego going around the room - I've witnessed that in a few meetings myself from time to time - sadly, it happens.
I hope when the young man returns, the support will be there.
Don't beat yourself up over what you didn't do. Just do something about it the next time you see him. Make a point to speak and welcome him.
And be sure to pray for him AND for the others.
Hugs!
__________________
* We eventually realize that just as the pains of alcoholism had to come before sobriety, emotional turmoil comes before serenity. *
Just want to "ditto" to what was said above. Seems like one of those times when the "When we know better, we do better".
Please don't get hung up on what you did not do, keep it in your "pocket" and remember, it takes some time to become "outspoken" in this AA Program. By outspoken, I mean the next you see some A..H.. saying something, you feel is harmful to a vulnerable person, and trust me, there will be a next time, you will have that lesson down, and you will say something kind, to counter that preceived effect.
It reminds of the many times I have heard someone say to a person, that has just opened up and talked about the pain of drinking after having some time in the program. (I know from personal experience, how much pain is attached to that one). Anyway, what you may hear someone in the group say to that person, "Thanks, you just helped me stay sober today" No compassion, no looking out for your "brother" is attached to that cynical statement.
Oh Well,Monica, it does seem like at some meetings, that this is not a program bursting with well, compassionate people. But it is a "learned, and LOVING response that does seem to dominate this Program of Recovery. That has alway been my take on A.A. I always try to look for a group of folks, where kindness, is the dominating theme, especially to the new person, That is the 12th step of this Program. And we cannot keep it UNLESS we give it away.
I believe that the expression of "Take what you WANT, and LEAVE the rest", is one I need to remember at every meeting I go into.
And the fact that you reacted as you did, speaks to your own Compassion, and that's a good thing.
Hope you have a good day, and even more, a better meeting today,
There are some sick people out there, to be rude to a newcomer... That could be a death sentence for someone if they don't come back and get the chance they need.
The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking.
Many of the early AA's were also addicted to morphine and other drugs. I believe one of the stories in the big book is about a doctor who was also an addict.
Most addicts are also alcoholics, these substances all effect the brain's neurotransmitters, to me they are all much more similar than they are different.
Bonzo, This is one of my pet peeves...people treating the people on parole or probation unkindly and I feel most addicts ,not all have a problem with alcohol as well. I have voiced my opinion on this matter many times.
That said, I also know I'm in control of my actions only, I have to remember that the newcomer is the most important person in the room and this might be the only time they come to a meeting so I try to always welcome the person and tell them I'm glad they are there. I do it because that was what someone did when I walked into the room the first time.In my small town there are not many meetings to choose from, so these people are put in a position that they have no control over. I feel this is a time to plant seeds...they may hear something that will make them think.We have several people in our groups who got there because they were forced by the courts and they now have long term sobriety,when I hear the negative from some, I remind them of those people.
I pray that the one mans remark will not keep the young man from coming back. We have a 20 year old meth addict who is on probation in our group and we just all took him in like he was one of us, I see him growing and staying clean and sober. He has a new group of friends, he's gone with the men to meetings in the city, I thank God he was accepted and pray the next one will be too.
Bonzo, you are aware of the problem and now you can choose what you will do the next time a newcomer walks into the room.Just a handshake , a smile and I'm glad you are here is enough to start. Don't ever lose sight as to why we are there, when anyone walks through the door we present the program of AA and the 12 Steps to the best of our ability.God does the rest.
I'm so glad you are here sharing your experience, strength and hope with us.
just a few thoughts , one of the meeting i attend has several addict. i try to welcome all. some members dont. but these are real people with real proroblems, life problems, emotional, and if they seek aa so be it. wagon
This is a good topic, and a lot of good shares. Well, you guys know that I am rather outspoken and say what I think, especially when I think someone is being hypocritical, or someone is getting treated shabbily. That comes from having to defend my younger siblings from my parents a lot. And then later,, developing a pattern of defending the underdog in general against people on ego trips. But I'm trying to balance...
anyway.. I have seen people act like people at meetings. sometimes a few pick on one. I guess it makes them feel bigger... like that they stayed in and it is some big accomplishment for them and they can feel bigger than some newbie that the predict won't make it. What I do is find the applicable principles from the 12 Steps and Traditions, Big Book and slogans,,, and do my share without mentioning names, in a general way. And I 've seen other people do the same thing,,, do a share on the principles involved in a general way. I think a couple of these posts did mention some of the relevant principles - 'there but for the grace of God go I',,, the newbie is a very important person,,,, substance abuse includes all chemicals including alcohol and drugs.
I hope the young man comes back too, and that someone makes him feel welcome.
love in recovery,
amanda
__________________
do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
wow, i agree with orig. author....that WAS sucky to pass judgement on that young man
i work in a high class area, and my good g.f. down the hall and i are going to start going to the aa meet here at lunch time...HIGH NOON!!! i am kinda nervous cuz the people who live and work in this area are REAL snobs...but u know what???? i am gonna drag the 12 steps with me AND my desire for recovery and "bollocks" to the ones who look down on me----- i will go w/open mind, and friendly attitude, and just be me........
i've never had anyone at a meet do quite THAT to me, but i know there was this old al-anon group i went to where there was a "clique" and they sucked!! they made ALL us newbies feel uncomfortable, but i just "blew them off" went to a few meets, and got sick and tired of the higher power being these two old hyenas who thought their power struggle was more important than the meeting, so i bailed and found a new group.....they seem to be ok....the main thing is "just becuz they are in recovery??? there are STILL a****les no matter WHERE U go" i just learned to "consider the source" see them as people who NEEEEED this program, and work on me..................hugs/ rosie
At my meeting yesterday, there was a 19 year old boy who was a coke addict. He was there because he needed his "paper" signed. During the meeting (to which he was late-but he did say he was sorry for that) he didn't say anything, and passed when his turn to share came, other than to say his name and his addiction. Looking at him, you could tell he was having a rough time as he sat there-just his mannerisms made me think he was something other than an alcoholic. But he did stay to the end...and maybe wished he didn't later, because one of the people outright told him "you won't be back", and said it a rather judgmental and not kind way, I thought.