Well I have slipped several times in the last couple of weeks. But I've still been going to AA just to listen and be quite. I have already picked up one white chip 2 months ago. Tomorrow I will start over at the noon meeting tomorrow I will pick up my final white chip. And will ask for a sponser to work the steps with and to have a supporter who will help me. I feel awful I slipped, but I'm ready to put on my big girl panties and get serious this time. hopee
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I'm tired of this crappy part of myself, I think I'll take another look and see what else there is.
gather what strength I have, wrestle with life and have fun with it.
I have posted on here more than once about the chips and how much they have meant to me. The thing I don't like about them is that they can have a negative effect on us as well when we place too much significance on how many times we have had to get a white one and really all they are is a piece of plastic. I have heard shares in meetings and know for myself that people can sometimes get embarrassed about going up and picking up another white one and start to associate them with failure (failing to stay sober) instead of accomplishment (decision to stay sober). The fact that you keep going back to meetings no matter how many "slips" you have is a very positive thing and shows you really want to get and stay sober. When I slipped I stopped going to meetings. And it is great that you are planning on getting a sponsor to help you! I will be looking forward to reading more of your postings.
((((hopee))))
BTY
It's a fatal disease Hopee...not a moral issue. It cannot be cured; only arrested by total abstinence. This disease is the only thing I've ever said "uncle" to. I don't like saying "uncle" especially out loud and in the presence of others (ego and pride pain) and so I've done what you have done and then followed the suggestions as very best I can. Getting to meetings was more important than getting chips for me. Got my first chip at 16 years and wasn't even looking or expecting that one. We can only do this program 1 day at a time. Keep hanging with the program and MIP. (((hugs)))
We in AA are like the survivors of a sinking ship who have managed to climb into the lifeboat. Sometimes, some of us fall back into the water. If we're lucky enough to be able to get back to the lifeboat, everybody else in the boat is more than happy to help pull us back to safety. We just gotta learn to stay in the middle of the boat this time. Welcome back!
I wish you huge congratulations on your fresh start. I hope you are aware that all of us have had to start over again many times before we ever began to stay sober. I've never met the person who came into A.A. and stayed sober from day one. I suppose there possibly could be some. But, I've yet to encounter them. If I may, I'd like to share a thought with you that might help to put all this into perspective.
My wife and I have a daughter who is 29 now. A couple of years ago, we happened to be looking through her Baby Book to look at her records of vaccinations. After we found the records we needed, we started reading through the many written detailed entries my wife had made over the years. Among the many events she had documented over the years, my wife had made note of the day when Katie had taken her first steps. But, no where on any of those pages did my wife ever write down how many times Katie fell down.
We all have to fall down a few times before we can ever walk. Nobody is counting how many times you fall down.
What a beautiful message. Hopee, thank you for staring this thread - it's helping me too. So much shame and disappointment for me around relapse that it fuels the addiction's voice reminding me I'm not worth the effort of staying sober. I need to return to refuting that voice and telling it I know it is lying. Hope you will too.
Just remember ... if nothing changes, then nothing changes ...
I've been told that one of the worst things an alcoholic can know he must do is 'change' ... yet this is what AA is about, to help us change our old way of thinking to a new and much more rewarding way to think ... and that leads to good and right action ... the change we so desperately need ... to live ... It took me several times in and out of the program before I became convinced that this was my one and only chance to stay alive ... I'd have been dead a long time ago were it not for AA ... just don't give up, that's usually always 'FATAL' ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Well I went back to AA yesterday, Got me a sponser, and picked up my second white chip. Believe it or not I was not ashamed. I am beginning to feel I with a new group of family. I am even starting to remember names. That makes it easier. I sat for 2 weeks listnening how the meetings work. After the instance with that lady made me scared to go back. I took a week and a half before I feel I could trust being there again. My first day back she said how are you and I said fine. But I notice she has the look of agravation toward several that talk. So I see and feel this is her own issue. I learned we only have about 5 minutes to talk so it has to be short and sweet and to the point. I was able to speak yesterday and did fine.
When I was in AA 15 years ago I did not have a sponser well not a good one any way and I never did work the steps. I tried to do it on my own to no avail. My sponsor is having me read for chapters in the Big Book and work step one, Its hard to believe under these circumstances that I picked up my 3 year medallion.
My dealer got arrested, and they convascated his phone that scared the shit out of me, plus I had a bad accident on the way to meet him. God has hit me over the head twiced and that was enough to get my attention. So at this point I'm really trying. They have a noon meeting so its easy to fit into my busy schedule. Can't go at night cause one of my new meds. makes me very spacee. And I take it around six.
thank you all for your support I REALLY NEED IT.
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I'm tired of this crappy part of myself, I think I'll take another look and see what else there is.
gather what strength I have, wrestle with life and have fun with it.
Wonderful news, hopee! I'm really happy for you! (I had to edit this again, because we got a "gonee" and a "hopee" on here and in my usual flare, I got confused....
I am extreeeeemly sensitive about others and when I first started, was just like you. I had to learn to tune anyone out who I thought were staring, looking at me or just had strange looks on their faces, even some remarks they made which hurt me. It doesn't mean I am rude to them. I just really had to pretend that they were not in the room because I reached the point where it bothered me so much I wanted to run out of there. I am not sure what others would think about me pretending that. I really cannot be concerned with that either. It worked for me to do that and it kept me from quitting AA. Now I don't remember having to do that for a good while. I just don't pay attention to whether people are looking, staring, etc. I focus on the speakers, sharers and the reason I am there. I used to want everyone to like me. Not everyone will. That's that. I'm ok with it now. Took me 50+ years to learn that one.
I'm staying sober and that is the main thing.
Sounds like you are doing great!
BTY
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Thursday 27th of February 2014 09:09:35 PM
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Thursday 27th of February 2014 09:11:01 PM
I heard my pastor say for the last 2 weeks, talking about our comfort zone and how most of us hate change. He said if we never get out of the boat we will never be able to walk on water.
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I'm tired of this crappy part of myself, I think I'll take another look and see what else there is.
gather what strength I have, wrestle with life and have fun with it.
I did not know I was suppose to call my sponser every day, not just the bad days. The other night I was very upset so of course I wanted to self-medicate. I ask my neighbour if she had any. Thank God she didn't, so I'm truely grateful I didn't use. So for today I'm still clean, its been about 2 whole weeks now that I've been totaly sober. But the sad thing was I did not step out of my comfort zone and and call my sponser. Never even considered that I had that option.
The sponser that I had rarley comes to my neck of the town for meetings, which she told me that. She also said she could not answer the phone while she's at work. I asked her what time she got off work, she said any time between 5-7, but I could leave a message, and she would return my call. I called her last night about 6 to step out of my comfort zone and to get in the habit of calling her, 4 hours later I still had not heard from her.
I finally realized I needed a sponser who comes to the same meetings I do, which we both go to the noon meeting. As far as I remember I never really spoke to her until yesterday. And I was really impressed with her. So I notice last night when I was looking at the sponser list they gave me when I first started that she was on it. So I took care of what I needed to make it in AA. I called her last night, She is excited about being my sponser and so am I. Some times you just hit it off the first time you meet someone.
Now I believe I can truely do this, I know right now the cravings are still hiting me, especially when I feel the need to self-medicate my emotions.
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I'm tired of this crappy part of myself, I think I'll take another look and see what else there is.
gather what strength I have, wrestle with life and have fun with it.
I heard my pastor say for the last 2 weeks, talking about our comfort zone and how most of us hate change. He said if we never get out of the boat we will never be able to walk on water.
In my opinion, this is more about 'faith' than 'change' ... if I don't have the faith and believe with certainty that I can stay sober, then I can't ... and this faith goes to believing in a God I know will help when I need Him/Her ... ... ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
So I took care of what I needed to make it in AA. I called her last night, She is excited about being my sponser and so am I. Some times you just hit it off the first time you meet someone.
Now I believe I can truely do this, I know right now the cravings are still hiting me, especially when I feel the need to self-medicate my emotions.
I went through the same thing hopee...This is where I really started the practice of prayer. One of thanks for helping me find that right sponsor...And one for the strength to get through those cravings. I truely believe you can do this too.
Well I have slipped several times in the last couple of weeks. But I've still been going to AA just to listen and be quite. I have already picked up one white chip 2 months ago. Tomorrow I will start over at the noon meeting tomorrow I will pick up my final white chip. 
And will ask for a sponser to work the steps with and to have a supporter who will help me. I feel awful I slipped, but I'm ready to put on my big girl panties and get serious this time. hopee 
