Really hate to post this, if it is pettiness on my part, but it has been bothering me and I would like some feedback. Don't hold back--I need to hear it if I am being that way...
There is a meeting I go to and sometimes I want to help clean up afterwards. My So and sometimes another guy will sometimes insist on helping me...when I tell them I am fine to take care of it, they will ignore that and take the pot away from me and sometimes when I am cleaning up this other guy will follow me and chat with me non-stop asking me if I am sure I don't need his help while I am cleaning it. I find this very annoying for some reason. I think it is because neither of them makes the initiative to help any other time other than when I am doing it. (We were going to another meeting and I was cleaning up but we haven't been able to go there for awhile and I really want to do my service work at this one since I cannot help at the other one). Neither of them have sponsors and I find this even more annoying.
I don't want to take away others wanting to do some service work either, but find myself getting a bit irritated that there are times when they could do it, but don't unless I do it.
Is this just the pettiest thing or what? I am more mad at myself for letting this bother me at all. I am sure my HP doesn't want me being this way over service work. I feel it is a character defect but not sure which one. If any of you know, I would love to find out so I can work on it.
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Friday 21st of February 2014 08:17:45 AM
YES ... In my humble opinion, I feel that any activity that helps us get closer to another is a good thing ... as long as it doesn't carry sexual overtones with it ...
If it were me, I'd be grateful for the help, any help, to accomplish the task at hand ... one hard nut(defect) for me to crack, was wanting to do everything myself, without help of any kind ... I'm a recovering perfectionist too ... I had to stop thinking that no one could do the job as well as me ... I had to change my 'attitude' and start inviting help rather than getting upset when someone insisted on helping out ... I had to stop 'all forms' of isolation and learn to improve the 'bond' with my fellows ...
God sent others to me, to help me, the way I look at it today ... so I learned I had to (needed to) stop blocking God out and invite Him in to stay ...
This is good stuff BTY ... it's the very thing others would probably not ask about ... Kudos to you for being so open about your recovery ... this is very refreshing to me ...
Love ya Grace and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thanks Pappy. As I was reading your response, I found myself thinking negative thoughts about myself being able to have that attitude about it. I guess I really wanted someone to agree with me so I can feel better or justified for feeling this way. But I needed to hear what you said. Whew! I'm a mess. And it's because I am such a mess, that I probably have posted a lot on this board that no one else posts....that's why you won't see my pic on here. I don't want anyone to have a face to associate the stupidity with.
If other AA members really want to help clean up as a way of being of service, yes, they should certainly be allowed to do so. And of course we shouldn't jump to conclusions about other peoples motives. Maybe they just like helping you, or maybe they feel uncomfortable standing around while you are working.
When you said that one of these people was your "so" did you mean 'significant other', as in someone you are in a relationship with? If so, it's not unlikely that he just wants to help you, cuz, well, he probably kinda likes being around you.
However, If someone else is clearly using this offer of 'being of service' as a pretense for something inappropriate, like if they want to be alone with you in the kitchen and are clearly engaging in unwelcome flirting or something like that, you have some options. You could tell the guy 'sure, I need you to go in the other room and put the chairs away' or some other task that gets them away from you. Or you could tell them 'sure, take over for me here' and as soon as they start helping at the sink, you walk away and find something else to do, or as soon as they start to help, you tell them 'thanks, I need to take a break from this tonight' and leave them to do the work. If their motives were wrong, they'll get the message after a couple of times. And hey, they still get to be of service, so maybe it will help them stay sober despite their bad motives.
And by the way BTY, I sure don't think you're a mess and there's nothing stupid about your questions regarding these issues. In fact, I think the questions you ask and the things that concern you show a tremendous amount of insight, empathy for others, and an honest desire to understand things about yourself and others and a desire to improve. It's far more true humility than a lot of people ever attain. You're a great example of AA. Keep up the good work!
oooohhhh, glad that hasn't happened to me!! yet...today. :)
i have had that happen in the past. pretty weird look i get when i say something like,"hey,thanks, so next time im not here you can jump right in with the service work without waiting for me!"
Thanks, Dave for the encouraging words....maybe one day I'll be able to see it in myself. Right now "mess" is the way I feel about me, but at least I'm a sober mess. All this thinking, thinking, thinking that is in my mind. I worry one day I'll try to sign in here, and my account will be deleted because I am going to wear out my welcome. I am always worrying about stuff that has happened, is happening or probably never will happen.
Yes SO is my sig.other. I'm his "SB"....not too hard to figure that one out.
And the other person is one that scares me so much because he said a person got his parking space and he said he came really close to buying scissors and taking her out because of it. He didn't grin or say he was kidding and said he saw red and hasn't been that upset in a long time. I'm scared to be nice to him, scared to be stand-offish with him (very hard for me to be that way to anyone). Used to be pretty good friends with him, but I am scared to death to be around him now....especially when no one else is really really nearby. My sponsor told me not to stop going to this meeting place (which is my favorite to go to) because of that, though. Just everytime he gets near me, I am terrified. My SO still wants to be friends, go have coffee, etc. with him and says I am overreacting and that he is harmless.
Who knows? Maybe I am. I am paranoid and I do watch too much t.v. which feeds my fears about that stuff.
Whew! I'm a mess. And it's because I am such a mess, that I probably have posted a lot on this board that no one else posts....that's why you won't see my pic on here. I don't want anyone to have a face to associate the stupidity with.
You may be seeing this from the wrong angle ... try thinking 'it would be stupid if I bottled this up and let it bug me ever time I tried to do service work' ... I think it was 'smart' to ask such a question ... the only stupidity here would have been if you had not asked the question ...
I'll say it again, Kudos to you ... great job ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Aside from the issue of people being of service and helping you clean up, if you are not comfortable being alone with a person, you are entitled to take steps to prevent that, and I encourage you to ask for help from others to make sure that happens. If asking your SO to help you, by not leaving you alone with this person, doesn't take care of the situation, there should be plenty of other people in the meeting who will step up if you discretely ask them for help by sticking around with you while you are cleaning up. Maybe a sponsor, maybe some of the other women at the meeting who would be sympathetic to the situation, etc.
Thanks Pappy, I'll try to look at it like that. And I will take your advice, dave....I will just be vague and not mention names as I don't want to come across as a gossip and I know that if it got back to this person it would be horrible for me.
Hey, I got my birds pic up!!!!
I'm a happy gal, now!
(still need to figure out how to get pics in my postings...the avatar had the choice of uploading it from my computer. I think i have to use an online photo thingie to do the postings though.
But, yayyyy, I got my doves up!
