I would like to know how other people have handled resentments...I am having a hard time thinking that a part of my successful recovery is making amends to people who have hurt me deeply and who I still have resentments because of those hurts. If it is not in my heart how can I deal with making amends for things which I feel harmed me more than the other person? And in my situation when things which continually happen to cause me pain....do I have to keep making amends to that other person? This is really getting me down and I feel like I am not being true to myself by having to do this.
We went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. When we were finished we considered it carefully. The first thing apparent was that this world and its people were often quite wrong. To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got. The usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore. Sometimes it was remorse and then we were sore at ourselves. But the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got. As in war, the victor only seemed to win. Our moments of triumph were short-lived.
It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.
If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.
We turned back to the list, for it held the key to the future. We were prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle. We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.
This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick.
Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."
We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one.
Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man's. When we saw our faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight.
BB pgs 64 - 67
Give that a few reads BTY....Ask questions you don't understand...See if it makes sense.
Yes, I read that and was afraid of my interpretation, stepchild....I think I knew what resentments meant and somewhere along the way, I think I wanted to think I must have misunderstood. I guess I was thinking I could pray to God to remove their "as*hol*ism" and maybe that would be sufficient.
The only Al-Anon meeting I ever attended, I shared (although I was extremely nervous speaking out in front of everyone) that I didn't understand why I needed to apologize to my dad for the way he treated me when he was drunk. Several eyerolls and under their breath exclamations happened after I said that and someone said "Well, she just needs to come to the Step 1 class and maybe she'll understand. I never went back. I only hope this is not what takes me back out because I really am having trouble with this. I admire you and other AA'ers who did do this and actually are able to live that way. I just don't know if I have "what it takes" in me. I have been used and abused right much in my life and for some reason I feel like this is just rolling over and falling down and letting more people trample all over me again.
Honestly, I almost went back out when my sponsor told me that my part was being born. I'm not suggesting that he was right, or wrong...just how it hit me. Since then, my perspective has changed so many times that to share how I feel about it now would probably do you no good because there have been so many steps between there and here that I'm not sure you can see one point from the other. I've made some amends along the way that I wouldn't recommend to anyone, stupid things actually, but I needed to make them and how I feel now...well, it turned out that it was worth it.
It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.
If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.
Main point...We have to be free of anger.
The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.
The grouch and the brainstorm....Being angry and stewing on it....We alcoholics can't do that.....It will kill us. We have to clean our side of the street....That's all that matters......Willing to go to any length BTY. The inventory is ours...Not the other person's.
-- Edited by Stepchild on Friday 31st of January 2014 11:32:22 AM
By the way....I'd try and take it easy on alanon for awhile. AA is where we recover. Pray for help with this step BTY....Ask for willingness and honesty.....You'll get it.
Hey BTY, it was hard for me to proceed with this step until I learned of 'forgiveness' ... 'forgiveness', for me, was a huge part of steps 4 thru 9 ... and it started with forgiving myself first, then proceeding to forgive others for their part in making me angry, for whatever reason and for whatever time period you're looking at ...
Forgiveness has everything to do with resentments, without it, resentments take control, with forgiveness, resentments lose all power over us ...
Here's something I came across a long time ago, maybe it will help: ....
Excerpted from BRINGING HOME THE DHARMA by Jack Kornfield, (c) 2011. Published by arrangement with Shambhala Publications, Inc., Boston. www.Shambhala.com .
Traditionally the work of the heart begins with forgiveness. Forgiveness is the necessary ground for any healing. To begin with, we need a wise understanding of forgiveness. Then we can learn how it is practiced, how we may forgive both ourselves and others.
Forgiveness is a letting go of past suffering and betrayal, a release of the burden of pain and hate that we carry. Forgiveness honors the hearts greatest dignity. Whenever we are lost, it brings us back to the ground of love. With forgiveness we become unwilling to attack or wish harm to another. Whenever we forgive, in small ways at home, or in great ways between nations, we free ourselves from the past.
It is hard to imagine a world without forgiveness. Without forgiveness life would be unbearable. Without forgiveness our lives are chained, forced to carry the sufferings of the past and repeat them with no release.
Consider the dialogue between two former prisoners of war: Have you forgiven your captors yet? No, never! Well, then, they still have you in prison, dont they?
We begin the work of forgiveness primarily for ourselves. We may still be suffering terribly from the past while those who betrayed us are on vacation. It is painful to hate. Without forgiveness we continue to perpetuate the illusion that hate can heal our pain and the pain of others. In forgiveness we let go and find relief in our heart.
Even those in the worst situations, the conflicts and tragedies of Bosnia, Cambodia, Rwanda, Northern Ireland, or South Africa, have had to find a path to reconciliation. This is true in America as well. It is the only way to heal.
Sometimes this means finding the courage to forgive the unforgivable, to consciously release the heart from the clutches of anothers terrible acts. We must discover a way to move on from the past, no matter what traumas it held. The past is over: forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past.
Remember these truths: Forgiveness is not weak or naive. Forgiveness requires courage and clarity; it is not naive. Mistakenly people believe that to forgive is to simply forgive and forget, once and for all. This is not the wisdom of forgiveness.
Forgiveness does not happen quickly. For great injustice, coming to forgiveness may include a long process of grief, outrage, sadness, loss, and pain. True forgiveness does not paper over what has happened in a superficial way. It is not a misguided effort to suppress or ignore our pain. It cannot be hurried. It is a deep process, repeated over and over in our heart, that honors the grief and betrayal, and in its own time ripens into the freedom to truly forgive.
Forgiveness does not forget, nor does it condone the past. Forgiveness sees wisely. It willingly acknowledges what is unjust, harmful, and wrong. It bravely recognizes the sufferings of the past, and understands the conditions that brought them about. There is a strength to forgiveness. When we forgive, we can also say, Never again will I allow these things to happen. We may resolve to never again permit such harm to come to ourselves or another.
Forgiveness does not mean that we have to continue to relate to those who have done us harm. In some cases the best practice may be to end our connection, to never speak to or be with a harmful person again. Sometimes in the process of forgiveness a person who hurt or betrayed us may wish to make amends, but even this does not require us to put ourselves in the way of further harm. In the end, forgiveness simply means never putting another person out of our heart.
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Friday 31st of January 2014 12:12:32 PM
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Friday 31st of January 2014 12:14:42 PM
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Do you guys have any problem with me cutting and pasting and printing your responses out for my own eyes? Especially about the part about it can kill me if I don't. Think if I keep it with me here and taking it with me in pocketbook I can keep reading it over and over and maybe it'll sink in. I have worked myself up in a frenzy over all of this...I had no problem (or think I don't--my appointment with my sponsor is in a couple of days to work this step) with making amends for ones I have harmed. Anyway, I was good for nothing this morning, so did some baking. I make peanut butter, oatmeal and chocolate chip layer bars and marshmallow, rice krispie and chocolate treats for the meeting. Always feel a little better when I bake something for meetings. It's better than sitting around doing nothing but worrying. Thinking of making popcorn and caramel balls, too. Those people at the meetings are going to either love me or hate me for bringing all this junk in. I know it can't stay here...I'm liable to eat it all up.
I really admire you stepchild and Pappy. I know that in AA they say we aren't "Saints" but you two sound pretty close to it to me right now.
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Friday 31st of January 2014 12:34:53 PM
Stepman and I are only sharing with you what others have shared with us ... it's how we got and stayed sober ... you're exactly like us, no different ... just try NOT to 'UNDERSTAND' everything right now ... just work the steps ... the answers to the little things will come in time ... I could not get sober until I stopped trying to 'understand everything' ... Like God, I don't understand Him, but I know Him well enough to have a little faith that He, knows everything, so I don't have to ... LOL
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Letting go of resentments and making amends are two different things, although there are situations that can involve both.
We do need to do both of these things.
But apologizing to someone for something that THEY did to YOU is neither of these things. I've never seen anything in the BB that told me to do that.
We DO need to take an honest look at our resentments, do what we can to forgive, and see if our own actions played some part in it. But there are situations, like being victimized as a child, where none of it was our doing.
We DO need to take an honest look at our own past behaviors and see where our actions were wrong, and do what we can to set things right. And this amends is not just an apology. Example: If I borrowed money from someone when drinking and never paid it back, telling them "I'm sorry" is just an apology. An Amends would be to give them back the money and tell them that I fully understand how my actions hurt them, and that I'm taking steps to change my life and make sure I don't treat people that way again.
BUT - Just because you have resentments that you ought to try to be free of (because it's a much easier way to live sober), and just because you ought to make amends for your part in past situations (for the same reason, and to help avoid repeating old behavior), does NOT mean that everything that happened in the past was your fault.
-- Edited by davep12and12 on Friday 31st of January 2014 01:05:30 PM
LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more
and
To let go and to let God, is to find peace !
It is not possible to forgive properly without letting go
The most helpful ideas that I have encountered regarding forgiveness was 'Positive Forgiveness' by Ajahn Brahm in his book, Who Ordered this Truckload of Dung. I'll bet that you can find something online though. In it, he gave an example of a woman who forgave her husband for abusing her. The act of forgiveness caused such a change in the man as to make him unrecognizable today. Such has been my experience as well.
I alluded vaguely to a situation in my previous post on this thread and I keep being drawn back to share it. I don't know why but here I am. It doesn't seem close enough to your situation to be of much use, but I'm being drawn back here for a reason and somehow I still have internet and so, here I go.
In the military I was put in a position to kill or be killed. Obviously, since I am writing this, I killed the man. I took his ID which was required, contrary to international law, and left the body. Ten years later and three years sober, I couldn't take it any longer. I snuck into his country illegally and showed up at his parents home. I explained what happened to their son and begged their forgiveness. A moment later, I had a gun to my head. A year later, I received a Christmas card and letter from them. Since then, I have received a total of eighteen Christmas cards from them. Like I said above, I wouldn't recommend that course of action to anyone else, but it was what I needed to do for me. Their gift of forgiveness probably saved us all.
Oh wow, ... it's hard for me to imagine myself in that type position ... I served in the military '71 to '75, but was an instructor after one year of intense training in avionics ... so I did not see active combat, even though Viet Nam was going strong when I volunteered (not drafted) ... I want to believe that my training would have taken over if put in that position, but the mental anguish of such an act might have made me go insane ... I can empathize with those that serve today, and I pray for them often ... ... ...
Thank you for your service Angell ... and A BIG thanks for sharing your ESH ... ... ...
God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
ONe of the perceptions I worked with my sponsor on was what he called the "opposites". The subject of this thread is resentments and resentments use to feel like a ocean liners anchor I had to drag around with me all the time. I learned that it wasn't so much about who wronged me it was about me carrying that around as a reason or justification to blame and shame and complain about every perceived wrong whether it was real or contrived. I had I felt more than my share of resentments and one of the consequences of it was I was lax in taking care of my recovery. Why should I work at recovering from these things if these people caused the problem. I had to be free of resentments, the anchor and the sick, wild, angry feelings I carried around with me too often. The opposite of resentments I was taught was forgivenss. They are polar opposites and I cannot feel the one at the same time as the other. In order to get free of the sick feelings I had to go with the "letting go of it" feelings of forgiveness...just for me only; my sanity, sobriety and serenity. Lots more happened after the lesson that made it all balance out as some amends came my way too. Resentments are anchors that hold me back and keep me attached to stuff that owns my spirit and not any longer. ((((hugs))))
Resentments are the worst. I was real lucky I grabbed on to the "resentment is enemy number 1."concept very early on. Thanks to A.A.,I've been able to deal with past happenstances not in my favor. That truly is a benefit. Now I'm trying to deal w/the horrible present. At least I'm not thinking about the past anymore. Nor am I drinking.
-- Edited by AlcoHater on Friday 31st of January 2014 11:22:12 PM
Thanks everybody....I don't feel as bad today about this as yesterday....think I was trying to overthink it and like a couple of you said, trying to understand everything at once. I am going to pray alot more to my HP for understanding on his clock and not my own.
I love the sentence: We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill.
It's strange how in the BB gives so many answers.
I don't want to be dominated by world and people. If I am resentful I am dominated. I can't have the freedom, which is promised. Something I've learned is that it doesn't matter if someone raped me or beat me and so on. Yes, the people make mistakes, like I do - it was important for me to see in my moral inventory how, no matter If i was raped, I played all my life the role of victim in almost every kind of situation - this is the bad, this is my dishonest, my illness. How I want to play all my life the victim's role in every relationship. And it is the thing that I care about - to see only my thing, my part. Of course I have a part. May be its not in the exact situation, but after that I have so big part, which is the thing that is killing me.
So it doesn't matter if the wrong-doings of others are fancied or real, they have the power to actually kill.
I think it helped me reading about others having issues with resentments (sorry, but that is just me being honest). It helps even more knowing how you all did what was required to stay sober and feel better by getting "those loads" off you.
I love the sentence: We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill.
It's strange how in the BB gives so many answers.
It amazes me....And this is the answer they give...
How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.
This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick.
Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."
We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one.
In step 3 we decide to put our will and our lives under God's care....In step 4 we ask for His help....I couldn't have done these steps alone. I asked (prayed) for a lot of help. It's the only way I made it through them. That's a great post MOH.
-- Edited by Stepchild on Saturday 1st of February 2014 03:13:55 PM
