As I look back on most of my adult years, I realize that I have been dependent on others.....financially, for approval, for feeling "okay" about myself as well as other things. I am learning by being in AA and the longer I am sober, that I am not that bad after all. I think my dependence on others has been because I didn't feel good about who I was/am as a person. Actually this need of mine goes way back. If I would wear something to school which someone would tell me they didn't like, I wouldn't wear it again. I have done this with friends, boyfriends, husband and have still done it with my SO. I have done it with makeup, hairstyles as well as behavior. Somebody didn't like the way I thought about something, by gosh, I would even try to think differently. Pretty sad.
I am going to really try hard to discover who I am and as a wise person told me a while back (who happens to post here on this board) the only ones I have to please are my HP and me. I am also going to try to rely more on myself financially and not "use" somebody else for security. I am embarrassed to admit that I have done that, but I have/still do. I think I have enjoyed that "being taken care" of feeling it has given me and I have done that in my marriage and I am now doing it with someone even though I realize now that the relationship isn't right for either one of us. Six years, six long years of my life...and for what? Well, the drink mainly, because I had a more serious relationship with that than any human.
Anyway, just feeling down about my circumstances and felt the need to post this and maybe by doing so, it will help reinforce the idea in my head more. I tend to say things or think things I need to do and don't follow through. I hope this time will be different. Thank you for allowing me to vent.
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Thursday 30th of January 2014 10:07:25 AM
The starving persons preoccupation with food and the obese persons preoccupation with food comes from the mind. The problem is not so much our circumstances but how we perceive our circumstances.
Perhaps there is a better way - we think so. For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity.
Good to hear from you Angell ... and great post from you and Tom both, thanks ...
Hey Angell, ... how are you and the little woman doing ??? ... I think and pray for y'all from time to time ... good to know you're hanging around ... how's your living arrangements coming along ... they seemed a little crude as last I remember ...
Love ya Bro and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
