2 yrs ago I was about 30 days sober and my disease was just about to decide for me that it would be impossible to never drink a glass of champagne on valentines day again at some point my disease must have realized I would need some better excuses than that, after all - I had been coming to this board for about a month, and had been to at least 10 meetings - so I (ME) knew I had a disease, but the crappy thing of it was, that said disease was still ripping and roaring around up there in my thinking... plus my body was in shock from lack of alcohol - so it began screaming at me - GET MORE!.
Well, my disease tossed on a couple more old stand by excuses for good measure - the suicide I had witnessed a decade eariler - the fact that my cat was dying who 'got me through' this suicide, and hmmm, if I remember right my husband put his glass on the window sill again creating a water ring there and NOT ONLY had I JUST cleaned it, but him putting it there meant that he DID NOT love me because I had asked him to not put things there because I didn't want it to mess up my perfect motif of little antiques and flowers!!! I had this thing... maybe some of you have heard of it... it's called perfection.
Boy - that window sill OFFENSE really sent me into a downward spiral because I just knew that he didn't love me and no one EVER WOULD and on and on the pity party went... and they did happen to serve alcohol at this party... well they weren't going to originally, but I volunteered to bring some. So since it was valentines day AND my cat was dying AND I was invited to this pity party by Mr. perfection, my disease used the only etiquette it knew... and took me to the big black house (that felt actually really cozy inside but also a bit suffocating at times) made of all glass on Misery St., where we opened the door together - his hand in mine. and did the only thing a nice alcoholics should do.
We didn't leave for 5 weeks.
I'm thinking back on that day today - 2 yrs later with a little smile and a little gratitude and a whole lot of peace about it. It all needed to happen for me to get here - and it was worth it. I'm glad to be alive - happy, sober and free. I'm grateful I know in my heart that I am worthy of love because a HP doesn't make mistakes and didn't make a mistake in me. I am grateful I can know my husband loves me because I honor the gift HP gave me in life and love myself in His reflection. I am grateful that this is the only love I truly need, and that my husbands love is just the cherry on top of the cake - that I would be okay with or without it. I'm grateful that my children are growing up in a home full of recovery and life tools and knowing a HP's love. I'm grateful that my defects of yelling and threatening and shaming them or anyone have been removed. I'm grateful for the steps that brought me to HP's door on Serenity St. I am grateful for the fellowship here - and in the rooms, and I'm grateful to know that when I have a problem with them, I. Have. A. Problem... they are not the problem or responsible to fix it. I'm grateful for the other 12 step rooms that HP has brought me to. I'm grateful for all the help I get, and the ability to give it all back. I'm grateful for each of you reading this... thank you for being here.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
You truly have the gift to make me 'misty eyed' ... ... ...
I truly give thanks to God often, for His being with you and seeing His way clear to save those like me and you .... yes, I also have to accept that those around me and especially ME for not being perfect ... I gave up on trying to get my wife to tighten bottle caps before putting them back in the frig. ... why? ... everyone knows that you must shake the milk jug, or the catsup bottle, or the mustard bottle, or the salad dressing, etc. so that it has the right consistency ... it's better that way ... so ... I always do this with nearly everything I pull out of the frig. ... meaning, when she just sits the cap on the bottle, jug, what-ever, then I shake, it comes off, and then there's a 1/2 hour of cleanup ...
So I learned instead of changing her, I started simply tightening everything BEFORE it winds up on the walls and the ceiling ... wow, simple solution after all ... and I didn't have to get rid of her after all ...
like your window sill, I didn't HAVE to drink over it ... so, ... I'm grateful for the very same things you are ...
GREAT post, ... ... ... again ...
Love you and God Bless, Rog
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Hi Tasha, WOW!!! I absolutely LOVED that post. Do you tell your story at speaker meetings?? I hope you do tell your story often because just those short paragraphs that you posted are very powerful. Each one of us would be blessed and inspired to hear all of it. I remember ranting and raging because the house wasn't as clean as I thought it should be and there were oh-so-many other little nonsensical things that were sooooo very wrong. But, once I finally found out what was wrong inside me, the inside of the house started looking pretty good. I'm thankful that my wife loved me enough to love me through my sickness. Can't thank her enough. Can't thank God enough. Can't thank you enough for your great post. Blessings, Mike D.
I LOVED that part about how 'putting a glass on a window sill' automatically equates to 'never being loved again'. Perfect example of what our alcoholic thinking does when left to run its course.
You got that right Mike ... I have humiliated myself and my wife with her friends countless times ... And I would not classify her as enabler, although some might see it that way, but she had stood by me through all the struggles to get and stay sober ... this is the only marriage for the both of us, for over 40 years now ... she should have given up and left me so many times, but chose to honor our marriage vows instead ... and for sure I am grateful to God for this ... to me, my wife is indeed an Angel or a Saint ... take your pick ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
What an awesome, beautiful post, Pappy!
So many marriages do break up because of alcoholism. Mine was one of them...although I sure didn't contribute it to that, because then I would have had to face that my drinking was even an issue when it was so much easier to blame my ex for things. I know now what an angel or saint he was to have stayed with me and to have had the patience with me that he had. I just was looking for greener pastures and boy, I sure found a pasture--filled with manure--because I have been stepping in piles of c*** every since leaving him. And since being sober, and I can actually think without a chemical oozing around in my head, I feel so much guilt and remorse for screwing up something that at one time, I used to think was God's will for us to be together.
Your wife is blessed to have you in her life, too...so devoted and loving and faithful. I know envy is probably a character defect, but since I am not sure and haven't worked the steps yet, I am going to say that I am envious of the relationship the two of you share. God willing I will have that too one day. But if it is meant for me to be by myself, I will have to try and accept that, too.
at some point my disease must have realized I would need some better excuses than that, after all - I had been coming to this board for about a month, and had been to at least 10 meetings - so I (ME) knew I had a disease, but the crappy thing of it was, that said disease was still ripping and roaring around up there in my thinking... plus my body was in shock from lack of alcohol - so it began screaming at me - GET MORE!.
