Resentment is the: harboring of animosity against a person or group of people whom I feel has mistreated me.unresolved anger I have over a negative event which occurred in my past life. seething, aching emotional turmoil I feel whenever a certain person or event is discussed. lack of forgiving, the inability to let go and forget. root of distrust and suspicion I have when dealing with people or events that brought me pain in the past. unresolved grief I experience when I find it difficult to accept a loss. result of being heartbroken after exerting a great deal of effort and energy to achieve something that eventually was lost to me. result of feeling that I was unjustly victimized with no resolution to the problem. long-term suffering in silence when an open expression of hurt is unwanted and uninvited. cancer robbing me of contentment in life. grudge I hold against a person or group of people whom I feel has kept me from achieving.feeling offended but silent when I believe that a person or group of people have ignored or denied my rights. root of my depression.
How is my resentment manifested?
When I am filled with resentment toward a person or group of people I: pout or fume silently in their presence or at the mention of their name. get upset when music, a movie, or a TV show reminds me of the unpleasant interactions I have had with them. speak in a derisive or demeaning way about them. have nightmares or distressing thoughts or daydreams about them. become stuck in my efforts for personal growth and I don't even know why. get furious for no apparent reason. get depressed, despondent, and find myself going in circles in my attempts to overcome these negative feelings. avoid mentioning or discussing anything that relates to my past anger or upset with them. grit my teeth and smile when I really want to scream and yell when these people are mentioned to me. fake enthusiasm and excitement about being with these people when I'd rather have nothing to do with them.
How does resentment develop?
Resentment can be the outcome of: accepting negative treatment from others passively, never expressing negative feelings about it.agreeing to do something for others yet feeling that I am being taken for granted or taken advantage of. trying to get others to see my point of view while they ignore or deny the truth or wisdom in what I have to say. seeing others succeed who have not worked as hard as I have. I feel they don't deserve this measure of success. going unrecognized for my good work or competency while others who are more in favor are recognized. working hard and having others prevent me from realizing the bounty of my success. having someone whom I have tried hard to please reject my efforts of caring and concern. an impossible position in a relationship with someone where I am damned if I do and also damned if I don't do what the person wants from me. being embarrassed by a person whose goal was to belittle me. being consistently rejected, unapproved, unaccepted, and abandoned by another. being the object of discrimination or prejudice. being ignored, put down, scorned, and rejected by a person or people for whom I made sacrifices. having someone I care about be treated unjustly with my requests to stop such action going ignored. trying my best to please someone but no matter how well I did, it was never ``good'' enough.recognizing that I am the one who always makes the effort in a relationship, and when I stop giving the relationship ceases. giving in a relationship hoping to sustain it, but the other person abruptly terminates it. never getting the chance to seek reparation for having been victimized.
What are the negative effects of my unresolved resentment?
When I have unresolved resentment I: am touchy or on edge when I am reminded of the person or persons I resent. usually deny any anger or hatred against those whom I resent. am provoked or angered when I see those whom I resent get recognized and reinforced for their achievements. am bothered by my hostile, cynical, and sarcastic attitude; it becomes a barrier between me and the people with whom I want to establish a healthy relationship. get stuck in my efforts to grow as a person. reject all efforts to get me to work on forgiving and forgetting past offenses and hurts. resist all attempts to get me to get on with my life, including the suggestion that I have unfinished business with people from my past which needs to be addressed. find it difficult to open myself up to trust others, especially in new relationships. find it hard to believe that I'll ever be recognized for my competency, worth, and abilities. tend to overcompensate in my efforts to be successful.
What irrational thinking underlies my resentment?No matter what I do it is never ``good'' enough, so why try? People are out to get me so, I'll reject them before they reject me. There is no use in resolving unfinished business with people from my past who mistreated me.Everyone is out to get me. Hard work, a clean life, and treating people fairly is a waste of time; it has never paid off for me.There is no way I can forgive or forget my negative past. I'll never win at anything I try; I've always lost up until now. There are the ``haves'' and the ``have nots,'' and I'm a have not guaranteed to be a loser. My life should at least be fair. It is better to grin and bear it; I'll never get anywhere with an open, honest approach. What's done is done, so let it be. I've never been given a break in the past; why should I expect anything different now? It's all a matter of politics: who you know and what you have to bow down to that determines your fate. It's who you know rather than what you are that determines your success. Why is it that people with fewer talents, who work less, and struggle little, always seem to get ahead while I remain stuck. The price of hard work and effort seems to be failure and disappointment for me. There's always going to be someone who will guarantee that I'll be unsuccessful. They are all alike; why try to win them over or be nice to them. It will never change; why try to alter the situation between me and them. There are always people more talented, prettier, and more competent standing in the wings to take my place.
How can I overcome resentment?
Techniques I can use to rid myself of resentment include: admitting to myself that there is unresolved resentment behind my hostile, cynical and sarcastic attitude; and decide to rid myself of it. doing private anger work-out toward the people I resent. writing a letter in which I detail all of the reasons for my resentment but NOT mailing it.identifying the ``hot buttons'' that indicate the presence of resentment in me and working at defusing their impact. working at a rational outlook on my past life so that it isn't a chain around my neck in the future.listing those for whom I've got resentment and systematically working at forgiving and forgetting their past offenses. improving my self-esteem and self-worth; looking only to myself for approval and recognition.working with my support network to identify when I slip back into resentment over my past.developing self-affirmations and positive self-visualizations to overcome my negative outlook on life. re-establishing myself in pursuits in which I excelled, but dropped due to lack of perceived success. working at being a winner in what I do best. believing in myself to be a winner in life.
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Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
To me resentment and unforgiveness go hand in hand. I have to forgive to ever get over a resentment. One thing that has helped me is the saying....Resentment is like me taking poison, and expecting the other person to die...not going to happen...just hurting myself.
Another is resentments and unforgiveness being like carrying around two one- hundred pound suitcases all day, stooped over....arms tired , back hurting...you sit them down for a little while, you start to feel rested, arms quit aching...then all at once you pick them up again.Ouch!
I had many resentments when I got in the program. Had a sponsor who taught me how to lay them down, one by one, through the fourth and fifth step. She taught me a prayer for forgivness, there are days I have to say it at the end of the evening, before I go to bed, or have to stop and do it when the offence happens.Maybe it's just that being 50, my back hurts to much to carry all that garbage around or I just want to be happy, joyous and free.Maybe I don't want to be the judge anymore, or be in control of everyone else....I don't know. I just know that I like me today, didn't when I let everyone else and what they had done to me control my life.
Have a great, resentment free day....who knows you might even like it.
This was a good one for me read today - I know that I have a lot of resentments that are hard for me to forgive and for others to forgive me but my main problem is how can anyone - even myself - ever forget all the pain and hurt that I have caused and has been caused upon me. It is just not that easy to forget! Please tell me how can anyone forget all the suffering that was put on my children, friends and family? Would appreciate some input on this one?
Jeannie
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You only live once; but if you work it right, once is enough. There is nothing better than the encouragement of a good friend.
my own experience with old resentments, seem to change and for the most part dissapear, with doing a Rigorous, 4th, 5th, and 6th Step. I think you told me you were approaching the 4th step, correct me if I am wrong.
When i was stalling on the 4th Step, in Portland, I told a friend of mine that that is what I was doing, he was this rather outspoken, likable guy, that was a Recovery friend. He Put his hands on my shoulders, to get my attention, and looked me closely in the face and said " Toni, do the 4th, or you'll drink the 5th. Scared me into Action...... big time!
Made a big impression on me, so the very next day, I had an appointment with a Recovery Therapist, (He had 7 years in the Program, and very Popular), when I went into his office, I said, I dont want to have a talk today, I have a real strong need to do the 4th Step, so with my knees- knocking a little, I got it all out (had my list with me) then he proceeded to share some of his own 4th step with me, that took so much pressure off.
It was truly an amazing feeling, walking out of that office, knowing I had completed for the first time in my life, a very thorough 4th step, and the big plus that was there, was I had completed my 5th step,as well.
jeannie, I am only sharing this with you, to tell you about the INCREDIBLE sense of freedom this process had brought to me. Didn't have to wait for the Relief, it was there! Finally! Freedom from the big one RESENTMENTS, and freedom from all those secrets, I was going to take to my grave, looking back now, they were not as BAD as they were when locked inside me.
Toni --- Thank-you for sharing your trials and tribulations with the 4th and5th. Yes I am working on my fourth. It would be interesting to hear experiences from others dealing with step fourth and fifth!
Jeannie
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You only live once; but if you work it right, once is enough. There is nothing better than the encouragement of a good friend.
Jeannie, I'm with Toni on this one...once I brought the secrets out into the light the power to keep beating myself up was over. Then my part was to make amends to those I knew I needed to, some it was as simple as saying I'm sorry and will never, to the best of my ability , do that again...then it was up to them. And it was not up to me to make them forgive me.Others I am still showing by my day to day actions.
I had to forgive myself first, before I could move forward.Working with a sponsor or a therapist helps. Do you have a sponsor?Please remember, progress not perfection.Hey we are all in the same boat, been there done that and it gets better and easier. Please forgive yourself... you are worth it.
In response to Phil's article.... YEAH!! Boy... I could really relate to all of that.. that's my 'Janis Joplin" alter,,, all that negative thinking that ends in drinking.
Jeannie,, we've just finished the 4th Step and are working on the 5th Step on our Step Work board. Funny.. we have had shares on every Step, but people are silent about the 5th one.
Someone once told me that we don't forget, and that is okay. What happens is that when we forgive and let it go we are then freed from the bondage of whatever it is. So much energy goes into resentments, and they do block us from moving on. Most of us have been hurt in one way or another, but when I was bitter, angry, resentful and hostile that was eating me up from inside. I remember getting beaten, being made fun of,,, all that stuff from Phil's post is kind of true. Most of us have been cheated out of something at least once. It is being stuck in it that causes the problem.
Like the difference between 1. this person hurt me and I have to try to get him back, and I have to try to get him to apologize, and I can't live with this hurt so I have to stay here in it till it is resolved, and 2. this person hurt me, but I can get past it, and I'm not going to let it ruin my whole life.
Easy to say, eh? sometimes hard to do,,, but recovery is not always easy.
God bless you all today, as we walk together on the rec overy journey... like the shuffle on the yellow brick road,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
I am thankful to have such a great group of caring people on this board to shuffle on the yellow brick road with. To answer your question about a sponsor - yes I have one.
Jeannie
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You only live once; but if you work it right, once is enough. There is nothing better than the encouragement of a good friend.
for me???? resentment goes with **unrealistic expectations** now , in recovery, i have changed my **expectations** and i am so less resentful.....and i think w/ my childhood, yes, i was RIGHT to **expect** my parents to love/nurture/protect/ me and to NOT destroy me....but they (her drinking----his devient evil) were UNable to take good care of me....so my **expectations** were not met...my basic survival needs were not met....NOTHING i needed was met, they were NOT able!!!! so i was **resentful** becuz of (even tho they were deserved) my **expectations** were not met.............
now??? when i see a liar, i do not **expect** the truth.....when i know someone is undependable?? i do not **expect** them to be reliable....etc......i am losing my resentment over these parents, and classifying them as just UNable either by alcoholism or just plain darkness to be anything but what they were..... they chose the darkness....i chose the light..simple as that!!!! and it was UNrealistic of me, at the time, to expect GOOD from evil!!!!!! so now i go with lots of less resentment becuz i have changed the way and place i put my **expectations** and i too think that resentment goes hand and hand with unforgiveness..................just my take. rosie
