Good morning. I'm in a pickle. I have a sponsee who has gotten into a good bit of trouble. (The last, a domestic violence charge from beating on her boyfriend when drunk.) Her problems come with a toxic combination of alcohol and bad relationships. She thinks her problems come more from the men than the alcohol. She had two months of sobriety and went on vacation the first week in December. Had one glass of wine, two different nights and was fine. She has not had a drink since (even through the holidays with a challenging mom and sisters), saying she doesn't really want to drink but if she did have one she thinks she would be ok. I have told her, maybe she is NOT alcoholic. I can't diagnose her. She has many demons in her past and asked me to walk her through the steps anyway. She believes the steps can heal her and she told me, if I do continue with her.. she will not drink. My sponsor told me to cut her loose and stick with an alcoholic. I feel guilty walking away from this woman when she needs me... whatever her drug. Wine or men. I've been praying for guidance and am still so conflicted! I'm meeting her in a few hours. What do I say?? Any words of guidance would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
One of the first questions my sponsor asked me was if I was ready to admit that I was an alcoholic and was powerless over alcohol. If someone is telling you she doesn't think she has a problem with alcohol either it is because she doesn't or she doesn't want or is isn't ready to admit it. There are other alcoholics out there who really could use your help and since being a sponsor requires so much time and effort on your part, perhaps it would be better for you to focus your energies on those people rather than someone who thinks it is okay to still be drinking any amount. I also think it would be very difficult for any sponsor to deal with an active drinker whether or not they are alcoholic. And I used that man excuse for years.
That last line made me chuckle! She has gone back and forth for months... yes, I am. Maybe I'm not. No, I'm not. Maybe I am. We've done this dance for quite a while. She loves our AA group and AA and me. And I know she needs help. Is that help from me, is my dilemma.
This is where I'm so conflicted. What does God think I should do? I am incredibly busy and feel my calling to help alcoholic women. Can you tell, my character defect of people pleasing is rearing it's head?
She is a wreck but is it really alcoholic? I just don't know. She doesn't know. My personal dilemma is... continue working with her or bow out? We were working together for a few months, she decided she liked Celebrate Recovery more, and left AA and me. Two years later.. she has been drinking on and off and had the arrest. Was on mandatory UA's and came back to AA. Saw me, asked me to work with her again. I said ok, even though I was very hesitant. Now, two months later, here we are again. "maybe I should try Celebrate Recovery". I just have a really hard time walking away......
BarbaraLu, I am a people pleaser, too. One of the hardest things for me to learn is that this is a "selfish program". I got confused and thought that meant looking out for me and putting myself first and not giving a hoot about what others thought in every situation. I think that expression means as far as my sobriety goes, that has to be my main priority and if I do that the rest will fall into place. It doesn't mean I have the right to take advantage of others. You are not trying to do that, but I feel your sponsee may unconsciously be trying to do that to you. You are a nice person and you haven't walked away yet, and it sounds like this person is stringing you along and wants you to be there no matter what her behavior is. I would have a difficult time listening to someone make excuses, talk about other programs to stay sober other than AA, because I feel AA is the most effective way to do that. I don't want to have to defend AA to anyone nor do I need to. The results speak for themselves. It is my understanding that by being a sponsor it is supposed to help the sponsor in his/her sobriety as much as the sponsee. If you don't think your sobriety will be affected in any way and in fact will be stronger, by helping this woman, than perhaps that should be a consideration. However, I think I would have to tell myself that I am powerless to change anyone else and they may continue drinking despite my hours and hours of meetings, step work, etc. with them. It sounds like she hasn't hit her bottom yet and is wanting to blame others, seek a softer approach, etc. for her drinking. Personally, I wouldn't be willing to sponsor someone who has such an "iffy" approach and who is not totally serious about abstaining from drinking---any amount of alcohol. Maybe she isn't alcoholic. Then why would she need my help? Maybe she is alcoholic....but until she admits she is and has a desire to quit drinking totally, I wouldn't have any problem at all telling her I am not able to be her sponsor. Does that make me selfish? I hope so, because then I am doing what I should be to protect my own alcoholic ass. We each have to do what is right for us though and they are just my own
Oh and btw, you sound like a great sponsor to me--so caring and empathetic-- and I imagine there are lots of people in your groups who would love to have you as their sponsor.
If you do try to 'walk her through the steps', the first thing you'll be trying to do is help her work STEP ONE. And once you offer some guidance with that, to try to help her get honest with herself about patterns in her drinking, patterns in her thinking, and patterns in how alcohol has affected her life, if this person really still cannot come to grips with the idea that she is powerless over alcohol, and still truly believes that she can control and enjoy her drinking like any normal non-alcoholic person and does not need to remain sober, there will be nothing more that you can do, and there is nothing more that you SHOULD do. Either she really isn't an alcoholic, and therefore doesn't need to stay sober, doesn't need to work the steps and doesn't need AA, or she's just not quite ready to see the truth and stop drinking yet and she's not ready for AA yet. But you will have at least done what you could do and she will know where to go when she becomes ready.
-- Edited by davep12and12 on Saturday 11th of January 2014 04:46:53 PM
THAT is what I needed to hear. Thank you. Step One is what I kept staring at. I can help another alcoholic because I am an alcoholic. If she is not alcoholic and a 'man'aholic, as she thinks she is, I cannot help. That is not my addiction.
Do not be discouraged if your prospect does not respond at once. Search out another alcoholic and try again. You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer. We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you. If you leave such a person alone, he may soon become convinced that he cannot recover by himself. To spend too much time on any one situation is to deny some other alcoholic an opportunity to live and be happy. One of our Fellowship failed entirely with his first half dozen prospects. He often says that if he had continued to work on them, he might have deprived many others, who have since recovered, of their chance.
theres a whole lotta good suggestions in the chapter "working with others."
