hi, i have been in the program, going to many meetings weekly and have been sober nearly 16 months.
i'm also a a buddhist who meditates daily, takes retreats and workshops working on the ego ( that small i!) and also i go to SMART meetings for basic cognitive behavioral training and further tools to proceed in my recovery.
i am also in crisis, i've learned a lot in the last six months and one of them is that i am a lesbian, even though i dont really feel the need to identify that way, im not talking about SEX here, just connection. i'm WAY past the time in my life where that was a priority, now true intimacy is, deep caring and touch.i am not unhappily married, i have a sweet totally asexual husband, we have a great kid. my life is good in many ways, no job or money stress, i am gregarious, outgoing positive, but i'm dying to tell someone the truth and the group, well, i just dont see the opportunity.
what i want to say is HELP!
i have not been held in ten years! it's not a sexual thing as much as it is i am deprived of physical intimacy, holding, physical touch, cuddling, backrubs etc. for 19 years it was fine because i had a baby, not that abby is becoming a teen so even that intimacy is floundering.
i never even drank prior to getting married 12 years ago, we decided as friends, knowing his 'way' of not being physical, and my inclination towards women but 'done with all that drama!' to settle down and raise a family. and we have! and its great! no fights, no scenes, no drama, but i feel like if i dont start getting some real intimate time with a friend, someone in the program, someone i can comfort and be comforted by, i am doomed,
stinkin' thinkin' i know, and overly dramatic, but i look at the women in my groups and we ALL seem to need this, some long hugs, someone to braid our hair, rub our shoulders, treasure us, i think its a common thing many of us are missing.
what should i do? i have no friends who are 'married women who seek women' i dont want to give up my happy life, but i cant bear the thought of going another year SOBER and unknown in that way that for people like me, sensual, giving, interconnected need in order to fully blossom and enjoy all aspects of our lives.
-- Edited by Buddhamom on Friday 10th of January 2014 03:50:13 PM
-- Edited by Buddhamom on Friday 10th of January 2014 07:16:57 PM
Buddhamom,
You sound very confused. I certainly cannot judge you or anyone about that because I live everyday somewhat confused. One thing I am perfectly clear about is my sobriety and my main need is that and it cannot be filled by any other human other than myself and my HP. All of the things you mentioned are important to me--eventually--just not right now. Although 6 months is a great milestone for sobriety, you are still new in the program. I have heard don't get involved with anyone new in a romantic relationship within the first year of sobriety. And being married to someone else no matter what your length of sobriety can be even more of a threat to your sobriety. I have also heard about total honesty being so important in the program. I have a past which I am not proud of, but since being sober and going forward I know that in order for me to live my life alcohol free I have to stick to what others have said works for them and that is to be honest. I am not a couples therapist but it seems like if you have any feelings at all for your husband you will seek the help from someone who is trained in the issues you described. You said "I feel like if I don't start getting some real intimate time with a friend, someone in the program, someone I can comfort and be comforted by, I am doomed." And you mentioned shoulder rubbing, braiding hair (wow! there are women who still do that?) and other things. Although I can emphatize, being a woman, your need to be held and intimacy, besides friendly handshakes and hugs, the rooms of AA are not good places to be in search mode for a mate of the kind you are describing and especially at 6 months of sobriety. There are plenty of other places to meet people for the purposes you describe if you feel you must have someone in your life for those things.
A lot going on here. My best advice would be to practice the principles of the program in all your affairs. One of these principles is honesty. What would happen if you were straightforward with your husband about the way you are feeling?
When you started getting sober, you embarked on a life of being true to self and rigorously honest. I believe you were likely "stuffing" this with alcohol and now your recovery is forcing you to be comfortable with your true self. It also sounds like you may have been avoiding your sexuality out of fear, internalized homophobia, and stigma. You deserve intimate and physical relationships. Be fearless in your recovery. If you are gay...oh well. It's not the end of the world. Today, I am the best homosexual alcoholic I can be! Lol.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 10th of January 2014 08:00:39 PM
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I am not a woman like you asked for feedback from but the gay part had me wanting to reach out to you. I also used to rationalize and compartmentalize my feelings towards men because I was afraid to come out and I could and did "play it straight" for a long time. I also rationalized why I thought I wasn't gay because I couldn't envision a mature and loving relationship with a man. Prior, I "butched" it up around men to fit in in shallow ways or I got picked on. It was confusing and I relate to feeling attracted and afraid of the same sex simultaneously before coming out. I ended a relationship with my female fiance whom I did love to come out in my mid 20s. It had to happen even though I loved her and most of our life together. I had to be me and being gay is just me. It was actually a good model for later accepting my alcoholism. Lastly, straight people do not wonder if they are gay or need to come out. Same as only alcoholics wondering if if they are alcoholic. If you are wondering and feel the need...you know...
Above all don't be scared of who you are. We don't get sober to remain unaccepting and fearful of ourselves.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 10th of January 2014 08:20:02 PM
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
What I am hearing, my friend, is not confusion but confession, as well as the heart cry that so many of us share for intimacy, real intimacy...in to me see.
I get what you are saying that it is not a sex thing because while intimacy can include sex, it is my personal belief that it is never about sex but something much, much deeper. I believe that honest and open sharing at meetings (appropriate based on whose in the room) as well as disciplined step work and building an honest relationship with your sponsor will help to provide you with much of what you are longing for. But nothing can provide you with this more than a working relationship with the God of your understanding and to get that working relationship, you've got to work the steps.
I have heard the one year rule many times. (I consider myself ore a proponent of the five year rule). But it doesn't sound to me like you are looking for a new relationship, just the chance to be held, have your hair brushed, and maybe feel a little treasured. Would it completely rock the boat to ask your husband if he might be willing to provide these things? Sure, it might be awkward for him at first but wasn't quitting drinking pretty awkward for you? It's just a thought.
I don't believe that any of us have the answer for you but I do believe we know the One who does. Spend some time with the God of your understanding. I am confident a solution will come forth. Until then, love you my precious sister in recovery. And I am very proud of your six months a.k.a. 180 days of miracles. Keep in touch. We love you.
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"And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned."
Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 84
An addict is WHAT I am but it does not define all of WHO I am.
Beautiful posts pinkchip and SolanoGypsy! I certainly hope that my post wasn't interpreted that I am homophobic by me using the word "confused". One of my favorite bars when I was a drinker was a gay bar and I am straight and back when I had quite a few friends most of them were gay.
BetterThanYesterday, I don't feel that anything you said could be interpreted as homophobic, and in fact feel that you made a lot of sense and shared a lot of love. That's what we are here for right?
__________________
"And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned."
Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 84
An addict is WHAT I am but it does not define all of WHO I am.
I was married to a woman for 5 years. I thought everything was diffrent I had changed and the world around me would change but in all honesty nothing changed. I loved her and she loved me it became bad because then all my relationships went bad but that's neither here nor there.
I told people and they all said duh we know your gay. Some people said I don't think your gay. Most didn't care and if they did well it's not cool to say anything. My liberal family loved it as I became the "gay sister" "gay cousin" it made me laugh.
I went straight again but I still question my decision. I don't like the thought of being bi-sexual as it seems to envoke the thought of someone who sleeps with anything.
I think it's ok and when you finally do come out to the people around you they will support and love you. It's not like you go to a baptist church.
I am a spiritual person as well and I have a Buddhist friend who was a monk for over 10 years. Guess what he was gay and his teacher knew. In Buddhism it is personal what happens behind closed doors so they don't talk about it. It is more the quality of the relationship than the sexuality of it. It is if your love is pure with non attachment or proper attachment for us who have not shaved our heads put on robes and decided to beg for a living.
I think it will take a good year but after that you will be so greatful that you have found this part of you. It is amazing the freedom to be true to yourself and find a life partner who can share the moments with you.
Becareful though the joke and it is true is that lesbians have an orgasim and move in together. They are known as uhaul lesbians as in you haul their stuff around.
It will be ok. It's ok in Buddhism. I was shocked to find that out but yes they have gay monks. Who place everything including love aside to seek enlightenment.
On another note I woke up at 3am and could not sleep, just crawled out of bed so if this is jumbled forgive the coffee has not kicked in yet.
Love to you as I understand this is one of the hardest things to go through in life.
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We all drank and know how to do that. It's living sober that I am learning about.
