how is it that although they are very moody and can't tell the truth, when you ask them anything, they are never at fault, and you are to blame for everything? How do you constructively deal with this and still maintain a decent relationship
Aloha Abe...take your question to the Al-Anon Family Board to get more experience from the friends, family, spouses and associates of alcoholics there. Biggest reason I lied? Fear of darn near anything and everything. Lying was a habit when I drank with the people I drank with and they lied also. We'd one up each other just because and then I was afraid that I'd appear "not big enough or good enough" in their eyes. I was afraid of saying I don't know. I was afraid of being afraid. Lying not only deceives others it also helps me to deceive myself and then my denial helps me to procrastinate the when I will have to get sober; get honest. Go to the Al-Anon board. ((((hugs)))) Glad you found the MIP site.
Is it even possible to "maintain a decent relationship" with an alcoholic who is not in recovery? I cannot speak for everyone but only for myself, I am also an alcoholic, and the answer to that question is "no". Once I put the bottles down and the chemicals weren't a part of my thinking and AA became a part of my life my thinking changed. I am also not sure that every single alcoholic is as you describe. I am not all of those things. I have known non-drinkers who fit your description and I couldn't figure them out. One of them I was engaged to and I drank more just trying to figure him out. Go figure.
thanks this makes alot of sense. yesterday he told me he was not going to try anymore, to be in this relationship.(I chose ABe because one of the kids names verything that, she loves Abe Lincoln) so I am heartbroken and wondering if that is truly how he also feels very afraid
For now...don't try to figure it or him out...start self focusing and let God take care of the rest...God as you understand God.
X2
By focusing on yourself you can start working on changing the only person you can, YOU. The more time you spend focusing on someone else, the longer it takes to look at your part. I've been there. It's painful. There's couple of important lesson I've learned in recovery, when you take care of yourself, everything else seems to fall into place. Also, don't take their behavoir personally. It has nothing to do with you. It's all about them and their reality. The root of all our troubles is Selfishness and Self Centered driven by a hundred forms of fear and self delusion.
Thanks for all the support, you're right, it's very painful, I wish I'd known sooner, it took me forever to figure out, we haven't been married two years yet, and I really couldn't figure out what was wrong
how is it that although they are very moody and can't tell the truth, when you ask them anything, they are never at fault, and you are to blame for everything? How do you constructively deal with this and still maintain a decent relationship
Glad you found the MIP site. 