When lying to myself is good.

Lizmccal · Veteran Member

When lying to myself is good.

Zoomtopz · MIP Old Timer

I found Louise Hay works in sobriety Liz.

I love a couple of her affirmations -

I Love & Accept Myself exactly as I am.

I am worthy of my own love .

A friend told me this one , I also use it a lot .

I forgive myself for the judgements I hold against myself . The soul I am , Is present .

I suppose when these are not working too well . I can fake it till I make it .

Thank You for Your posts , you Are coming along Great .

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Great post Liz, ...

I had the feeling, while reading this, that you were coming to know the truth deep within ... and that you will soon realize it really isn't a lie after all ... but rather the awakening that you were living with a disease that fed you so much garbage about yourself that you believed 'its' lie after a time ... NOW, you are awakening to the reality that you have been lied to by this disease over the years and that;s not working any longer ...

I don't feel you're lying to yourself as much as I feel you're coming to know the 'truth' about yourself ... either way, keep up the good work ... and live learning how to maintain 'total honesty' with yourself instead of covering over the things you don't like about yourself ... this makes 'change' possible ...

Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy

betterthanyesterday52 · MIP Old Timer

The more I read your posts Liz, I recognize myself and how I have felt about me for so long. Although envy is not a good thing, I do envy you for your progress and insightfulness. Maybe I shouldn't compare myself to others, but I don't feel I have gotton as far as you have. You are doing great and I look forward to reading more of your shares.

Mike B. · MIP Old Timer

Thanks for your post Liz! I like what Pappy wrote. Awakening to your inner soul and self. The God created self. You were definately block from your true self by your Alcoholism. The same as me. By repeating your mantra in your head, your telling your diesase(EGO) to take a hike. You no longer buy the bullshit it's feeding you. You're on a new path today. The EGO gets smaller and smaller.... less vocal.... this allows more light into your true self and spirit. A quiet mind is a divine mind. When our EGO(thinking) is removed, by default we are closer to ourself and our creator. Your post reminds me of what my Sponsor drilled in my head for years- ACT you way into better THINKING. As Alcoholics, we can't think our way into better acting. It doesn't work for us. Our thinkers are dysfunctional. Sometimes, we just have to take action, action, action... and the thinking will follow.

Lizmccal · Veteran Member

Betterthanyesterday52 seems like Zoom did the same thing. You can't say I'm doing better, it's not a race. I think your honesty is amazing and I relate to your post so much. Just try it something that works for you. I look forward to seeing your post and relate you so so much!

Lizmccal · Veteran Member

Sorry just woke up. No posting before coffee. But you get it.

Fyne Spirit · MIP Old Timer

Lizmccal wrote:

Today I chose to do the third step prayer because I belive in it. I belive I love myself enough to give myself to God.

Great to hear you have made the 3rd step decision. Has it resulted in any action?

God bless,

MikeH

Lizmccal · Veteran Member

Yes the third step prayer has helped my reactions. Everything in life has changed and it's tough for me to see. I no longer do what I was doing while drinking, go to the same places, see the same people. I spend more time alone. The past has caught up to me and I am being charged with a felany vandalisim count for breaking a window while I was out of my mind because a security guard man handled me. I go before a judge at the end of the month. I'm scared but all I can do is give my everything to God.
I have nothing left and even if I had anything left I'd be uncapable of handling it. I have to give it up. I will admit sometimes it's almost a F%^k-it I can't do it so you do it. For the most part I do this prayer in the morning then if I need to through out the day. The serenity prayer doesn't have as much power or meaning in my mind when I turn things up to my HP as the third.

Fyne Spirit · MIP Old Timer

Hi Liz,
that wasn't quite the answer I was hoping for. The thing about step 3 is that it is only a decision. Repeatedly making a decision, but taking no action over it, does not, unfortunately, bring lasting recovery to alcoholics of my type.

Our book tells us that often, when we sincerely make the decision to to turn our will and our lives of to the care of God as we understand him, an effect, sometimes a very great one is felt. That didn't happen for me, but it sounds like it has for you. You could be experienceing a spell of what I like to call God's grace, a nice place to be. The thing is to make it a permanent state of being.

Having seen many others get stuck and then come unstuck because they didn't get past step three. The book suggests we get on with the rest of the program at once. I look at it that the action of step 3 is step 4. If we don't do step 4, which is the first serious bit of action in our quest to develop a relationship with our creator, then have we really taken step 3 without reservation?

This is what the book has to say on the subject;

"Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions.

Therefore, we started upon a personal inventory. This was Step Four. "

I wasn't too keen on step 4 myself, but I came to see that it was essential if I was to overcome drinking. I got it, and 5,6,7,8,9 done quite quickly, and my life changed forever. I also believe the longer we resist this stuff, the more painful it gets.

One time I was picking up a mooring line for my boat. It was dark, the tide was strong, I was on my own, and the job had to be done quickly. Just as I was hauling in the line, a fish hook, from some line caught on the rope, pierced my thumb. What to do? If I left the hook in my thumb I knew it would only get more painful. I would struggle to get the mooring in, and then pop down to the cabin, and try and remove the hook later. On the other hand, the hook had only just gone in and didn't yet hurt much, so I just pulled it out. Later I just put a band aid on it, no problem, very little pain.

But, like the 4th step, if I left it for later, it would have hurt a lot more.

Sometimes, on this site, the question arises "how long does it take to get well?" and the usual answer is along the lines of "About the same time it take you to work the steps" If we work the steps in the way they did in the early days, we tend to recover like they did. But often, if we try and take our time over it, we don't recover at all.

God bless,

MikeH.

Lizmccal · Veteran Member

Love it! Thank you! I want to do step 4 so much! I haven't found a sponcer. I'm going to ask this lady at the woman's meeting tomorrow. Get all that crap out and move forward. Thank you!

Lizmccal · Veteran Member

Mike a question for you...
You asked if I had made a decicion to turn my will and life over to the care of God as we understood him and the effects. I said yes and told you the effects. That was the only answer I could have given. So if your asking if I've done step 4 as the big book states................ asking that question would give you the answer your looking for because it is a diffrent question. Was it a trick question you asked me?

"Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions.

I did read this and agree though thank you again.

You are dead on though and I had started one on my own for a while untils someone in a meeting said you needed a sponcer to tell you to do exactly what the big book says. Hopefully this woman will say yes but if not I will just keep asking today until I get one.

Fyne Spirit · MIP Old Timer

Hi Liz,
yeah it's almost a trick question until you think about what turning our life over really means. If you go back to the book it talks about appointing a new director. We did a crap job so we fire ourselves and appoint the God of our understanding as our new manager. This means we have got past the ABCs, that we were alcoholic, that no human power could relieve it, and that God could and would, if he were sought.

So being convinced, we took step three and we are now in the business of doing God's will, not our own.

The next problem is the business of seeking God out, and establishing a relationship with him - conscious contact - so that we will know His will for us. The program suggests that we need to remove the things that block us. Roughly, these fall into three groups.

1. my dodgy personality - through step four I got to recognise this and how I am my own worst enemy. there is much wrong with the way I react to life and I am able to put my finger on at least the major handicaps and defects.

2. The skeletons in the closet, the awful memories pushed deep inside that I hoped would never see the light of day. They lead to constant fear and tension, I got free of them in step 5 followed closely by 6 and 7.

3) the people I am afraid to meet. the ones I harmed, the ones I would have to cross the street to avoid. More fear and tension. I am set free in step 9.

Now the blockages are gone and the development of my conscious contact is well on the way. I can live steps 10,11 and 12, I have put into effect my decision in step 3, I am now in a position to know God's will for me, and I have all the power I need to carry that out.

So we start with step 4. You can find some good worksheets on the web, Stepchild will know where, and begin making your lists. A sponsor is handy, was essential for me, but the book was written for the lone alcoholic who had no sponsor and no meetings, because they did not yet exist. So you can start without a sponsor if you can't find one.

With the list type inventory that the book describes, we can often see patterns in events. Once we recognise the pattern, we move onto the next item. it's very simple and you can always come back to us here with any questions.

I took my fourth in a day, with the help of my sponsor. Others work alone and I have heard it suggested that if you set aside 10 or 15 minutes a day to work on it, you will have it done pretty quickly.

I still have my 4th, and it's a very basic document. There is nothing in it that would incriminate, offend or hurt anyone who read it. The thing that amazes me still is how accurate it was ,given my mental capacity when it was done. Also, I know that if I had missed something, I would be brought back to it in time.

God bless,
MikeH

Lizmccal · Veteran Member

I like that summary. The thing in seeing hearing and noticing is without doing a 4th step you can not stay sober. I am realizing that. I'm going to a woman's meeting today. I'm hoping the secretary will agree to sponcer me. I could do it with my therapist but honestly I think an aa member would be best. I have no excuses and the thought of relapsing horrifies me and makes me want to cry. Part of why I quit smoking cigarettes is to stay away from any element of my drinking and hanging out smoking was part of my drinking. People understood I couldn't hang out with smokers mention you quit drinking and there at your door with a 12 pack.
Anyway back to the subject and no I can't hide from my past. I also can not be the person I was in my past. The big book states you have to change everything about you to stay sober and step 4 is the first part of how to change.
Thank you Mike I'm glad you responded. I got more from you!

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

Beautful post Mike H. I never used a worksheet. I bought a spiral notebook and a black pen. The book said we used black. And when I opened it up....I drew a line down the middle of the two facing pages....That gave me four columns. I left a few lines between my list of names for space for writing in the other colums if needed...And I started asking my new Director for help...Then I got busy...I gave myself a quiet hour a day to work on it. Sometimes that turned into two.....Depending on what kind of help I was getting.....Sometimes the pen just moved on it's own....Amazing stuff.

-- Edited by Stepchild on Sunday 5th of January 2014 05:36:10 PM

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

Hey Liz....Joe and Charlie were a couple of oldtimers who have since passed on still sober. They started out doing a Big Book study...It caught on...They were being invited all over to present it...And finally put it all on tape. Their message still carries well. They do some great worksheets for step 4 you can find here....

http://www.upperroomcomm.com/bbsguide/

You can listen to their tapes here...They do a great job covering step 4. I recommend it. These guys are good...And they continue to help many. Just type in Joe and Charlie in the search box. And enjoy!

http://www.xa-speakers.org/pafiledb.php

-- Edited by Stepchild on Sunday 5th of January 2014 08:35:09 PM