I'm stuck in my disease again and all I want to do is die. The truth is I've been stuck here the whole time, only getting glimpses of what recovery and living actually look and feel like. I've been trying to get sober since May and have yet to make it past the sixty day mark. I got out of inpatient two weeks ago and relapsed on Christmas and spent the next three days relapsing. I was attending at least two meetings a day, IOP, following directions, and was living in recovery. I'm trying so hard, so hard to let go and let god, but it hurts more then anything I have ever experienced before and before I know it, I'm out using again. It feels like I am fighting a loosing battle, that I just can't do this. I've thrown so much away while in my disease and have to let go of it while being sober, which feels impossible to do. My self-woth is so low that at this point, staying alive feels as impossible as staying sober.
Welcome to MIP Danny ... your post sounds like me a few short years ago ... have you read the Big Book of AA yet ??? ... here is one passage I really identified with, maybe you can too ... we're here for you, but you must become willing as only a dying man can ... What are your thoughts on this passage ??? ... :
There is a solution. Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation. But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it. When, therefore, we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at out feet. We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed. The great fact is just this, and nothing less: That we have had deep and effective spiritual experiences which have revolutionized our whole attitude toward life, toward our fellows and toward God's universe. The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves. If you are as seriously alcoholic as we were, we believe there is no middle-of-the-road solution. We were in a position where life was becoming impossible, and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help. This we did because we honestly wanted to, and were willing to make the effort. ... pg. 25 & 26
I really got soooo sick at the end, I actually wanted to die to stop the pain, both physical and emotional ... but in the rooms of AA, I learned there indeed was a higher power, whom I choose to call God, that filled me with hope ... and after a while working the program, it happened ... ... ... the desire to drink was lifted from me ... I have never been happier and I enjoy life now ... it is worth living after all ... man, who knew? ... ... ... the miracle did happen for me, and it can for you too ... the only thing stopping you is you ...
Love ya man and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Hi Danny and welcome to MIP. I am so glad you posted. I too was at the point where I welcomed death. I felt I had nothing to live for. I didn't want to listen to anyone begging me to get help for myself because I thought they were trying to control me and tell me what to do. All I wanted to do was drink....all day long and everyday. I too had tried to quit drinking several times but I guess I hadn't had enough of myself and the alcohol to want to stop drinking. When I was at that point where I realized that I did have the choice to try and live and change my life rather than give up and die, I walked into an AA meeting and gave it another try. I have been sober several months now and things are so much better. If someone would have walked up to me and told me a little over 7 months ago that I was going to have another chance to get my life back on track and be happy, I would have told them they were crazy and to leave me the you-know-what alone. Now there is a sense of relief turning everything over to my HP. I didn't have to do it all alone anymore. It didn't happen right away and it took me awhile of meetings, praying (when I didn't think "anyone" was listening), coming to this board and things started to get better for me. They can for you as well, Danny. Death is so final and you cannot undo it. You do have the chance to change your life for the better and it sounds like in your posting you are really wanting to do this. You are not alone like you may think you are. I thought I was too, but people in AA and on this board have proven me so wrong about that. I hope that you will give the meetings a try and I hope that you will keep coming back to this board. Then you can come here and tell other alcoholics who are thinking about dying how you got through it and you can save someone's life by sharing with them how you saved your own life.
We really do care about you here and want you to be happy. (((((Danny))))))
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Monday 30th of December 2013 01:35:14 PM
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Monday 30th of December 2013 01:36:45 PM
Welcome. Having this disease is not easy... but at your point your chances of full recovery go up tremendously. When we can no longer live with it or live without it we are at the jumping off place. You my friend can jump IN now with complete abandoned. I did. I wanted to die rather than look at what this disease took from me. But one day at a time... just like how it was taken... I got it all back. My life is beyond my dreams now. Loving relationships I swore couldn't be restored are better than ever. All the promises came true once I let go completely. I drank round the clock and now I have no desire go drink... the problem is removed. Step work with a sponsor got me here.
You aren't alone and never have to be again. Xxxc
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
You won't believe this but you are going through what we all went through in early recovery. We did it and you can too.
Hang tight at the meetings as often as you can with your sponsor and the oldtimers. Tell them what you told us .. they will help you through the tough beginning.
Let your sponsor and the oldtimers love & help you until you can learn to love & help yourself.
Sounds like a NOT accepting Step One ...fully on a daily basis....and the Half Measures thing...avail us nothing...plus...there were days that I wanted to drink...more then I wanted to stay sober..
Thanks for all the feedback, responses, and support. This too shall pass, right? :) It's pretty amazing how much more scared, lost, and sick I feel the further away I get from the fellowship. I've spent the last two days fully immersed in the fellowship, attending three meetings a day and when I'm not in a meeting I'm having fellowship with sober friends or working on my own recovery. Yesterday I heard someone say, "if your not working on your recovery, then your working on you relapse." That really stuck with me. For me, I have to break it down even further and say that if I'm not thinking about my recovery, then I'm thinking about my relapse. Every second of every day I have to be thinking and working on my recovery. The second I stop or take my guard down, my addict steps back in and I relapse.
So, for now and hopefully forever, recovery is my life. It comes before everything else, because if relapsing has taught me anything, I loose everything I put before my recovery. I feel grateful to have found you all.
Aloha Danny...Those were my thoughts and feelings also just before I came into recovery for real. I use to dive and dove with friends alot. We use to practice holding our breath together so that we could get the most extention from it. I reached 3 minutes and 10 seconds or so before my life took a turn toward other endeavors. Before reaching the doors of recovery I use to think that if I could just lie down still and hold my breather for 3 minutes and 15 seconds or a bit longer I would just comfortably pass out of the "wanting to die" syndrome. I had several suicide plans and events in my journey which of course didn't work out and what I learned I really wanted was not the end to my life but the end to how I was living my life and thus came the "successful suicide" lessons I got in sobriety...It isn't about ending my life...its about ending how I lived my life...change. I went on to teach this to my clients as a therapist and the consequences were amazing.
The sucky feelings are temporary...the feelings won't kill me...behaviors could...going to a meeting or another meeting and or sitting with my sponsorship and the literature helped me get past all those many sucky feelings. Keep coming back start asking for help on the subject of gratitudes.
Danny,
I was so glad to see you posted again and what a great post you shared. Again, you sound so much like me. I still need to be aware of it all the time. Happy New Year to You and hope to see you back on this board soon!
Hi Danny,
where are you with the steps? Only you don't mention them in your posts.
You could do a lot worse than follow Bill W's example. He worked the (6) steps with Ebby while in towns hospital, had a spiritual experience, and immediately set about trying to help others. It took a while, and a few down periods before he met Dr Bob.. but in his own words, this is what worked...
"My wife and I abandoned ourselves with enthusiasm to the idea of helping other alcoholics to a solution of their problems. It was fortunate, for my old business associates remained skeptical for a year and a half, during which I found little work. I was not too well at the time, and was plagued by waves of self-pity and resentment. This sometimes nearly drove me back to drink, but I soon found that when all other measures failed, work with another alcoholic would save the day. Many times I have gone to my old hospital in despair. On talking to a man there, I would be amazingly lifted up and set on my feet. It is a design for living that works in rough going."
Keep coming back start asking for help on the subject of gratitudes.