Hi everyone! I can't remember if I've ever posted on this topic before...so, this might be a re-run. I'm posting this because I'm seeing that there are quite a few new folks who are approaching Step Four right now, and nearly all of us have a lot of trouble with getting to a place where we can forgive those horrible people in our lives who have hurt us in various ways. Hope no one will mind if I share how I got there myself, and how this really helped all my sponsorees. "How can I ever forgive?" is a question I've been asked hundreds of times.
All along, we alcoholics have usually thought we had no control over whether we held on to a resentment, or not. We thought we couldn't help it, and there was nothing we could do. But, if that were true, we'd have no option but to be doomed to drink ourselves to death. But, once we see the fact that keeping a resentment is a choice we've made back in the past, this gives us the opportunity to change our mind in the present. If holding on to a resentment is a choice, that also means we can make the choice to forgive.
The guys I sponsor always love it when they find out they have choices and options they didn't know they had. But, they always ask me, "I think I'm ready to make that choice, but how do I actually go about forgiving?" Here's how I did it myself, and here's what I tell them:
First of all, the number one obstacle that makes us unable to forgive an individual is our own perception of that person. When we get angry, and STAY angry at a person, we go through a very deceptive and dishonest process inside ourselves. We go through a process of de-humanizing that person. Without even realizing that we're doing it, we gradually take away their humanity. In our minds, we reduce them down to almost nothing. We make them something like sub-human, in our perception of them. We even call them names like "jerk", or "idiot", or "piece of crap" to help the process along. And, before long, we don't see them as human people anymore.
The truth is, if you want to hate a person or stay angry at them, you've got to stop seeing them as a human being.
So, how do we get ourselves to the point where we can actually forgive those people?? Well, it's not really as difficult as you might think. All you need to do is consciously and deliberately reverse the de-humanizing process in your mind. You give them back their humanity. You'll need to take each individual on your list and go through this reverse-thinking-process and return their humanity back to them -- one person at a time. Some will be more difficult than others. We know that. Yet, what you'll find is that, after you've dealt with the first person on the list, the second person will be easier. The third one will get even easier -- and, so on with the others. It's going to require some rigorous honesty on your part, but your honesty will always grow as you go along.
When I did this, basically what I did was raise these people back up to a human level where they always belonged. And, I lowered myself back down to a human level where I always belonged. In the process of returning their humanity back to them, I had to honestly acknowledge that I'm a weak and faulty human being. Therefore, I had to allow them to be weak and faulty human beings just like me. Once I gradually allowed them to become human beings again, it got a whole lot easier to forgive them and forget their wrongs.
Trust me...I've had to go through this process more than a few times in the past 25 years, and it's saved me from the pain of resentment every time.
I sure hope this will be of help to anyone who is beginning Step Four. Blessings, Mike D.
We must be thorough at Step Four. When we choose to forgive, it's imperative that we leave no one off the list. If we can choose to go through the process of forgiving another person, we can also go through the same process of forgiving ourselves as well.
Traditionally the work of the heart begins with forgiveness. Forgiveness is the necessary ground for any healing. To begin with, we need a wise understanding of forgiveness. Then we can learn how it is practiced, how we may forgive both ourselves and others. Forgiveness is a letting go of past suffering and betrayal, a release of the burden of pain and hate that we carry. Forgiveness honors the heart's greatest dignity. Whenever we are lost, it brings us back to the ground of love. With forgiveness we become unwilling to attack or wish harm to another. Whenever we forgive, in small ways at home, or in great ways between nations, we free ourselves from the past. It is hard to imagine a world without forgiveness. Without forgiveness life would be unbearable. Without forgiveness our lives are chained, forced to carry the sufferings of the past and repeat them with no release. Consider the dialogue between two former prisoners of war: "Have you forgiven your captors yet?" "No, never!" "Well, then, they still have you in prison, don't they?" We begin the work of forgiveness primarily for ourselves. We may still be suffering terribly from the past while those who betrayed us are on vacation. It is painful to hate. Without forgiveness we continue to perpetuate the illusion that hate can heal our pain and the pain of others. In forgiveness we let go and find relief in our heart. Even those in the worst situations, the conflicts and tragedies of Bosnia, Cambodia, Rwanda, Northern Ireland, or South Africa, have had to find a path to reconciliation. This is true in America as well. It is the only way to heal. Sometimes this means finding the courage to forgive the unforgivable, to consciously release the heart from the clutches of another's terrible acts. We must discover a way to move on from the past, no matter what traumas it held. The past is over: forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past. Remember these truths: Forgiveness is not weak or naive. Forgiveness requires courage and clarity; it is not naive. Mistakenly people believe that to forgive is to simply "forgive and forget," once and for all. This is not the wisdom of forgiveness. Forgiveness does not happen quickly. For great injustice, coming to forgiveness may include a long process of grief, outrage, sadness, loss, and pain. True forgiveness does not paper over what has happened in a superficial way. It is not a misguided effort to suppress or ignore our pain. It cannot be hurried. It is a deep process, repeated over and over in our heart, that honors the grief and betrayal, and in its own time ripens into the freedom to truly forgive. Forgiveness does not forget, nor does it condone the past. Forgiveness sees wisely. It willingly acknowledges what is unjust, harmful, and wrong. It bravely recognizes the sufferings of the past, and understands the conditions that brought them about. There is a strength to forgiveness. When we forgive, we can also say, "Never again will I allow these things to happen." We may resolve to never again permit such harm to come to ourselves or another. Forgiveness does not mean that we have to continue to relate to those who have done us harm. In some cases the best practice may be to end our connection, to never speak to or be with a harmful person again. Sometimes in the process of forgiveness a person who hurt or betrayed us may wish to make amends, but even this does not require us to put ourselves in the way of further harm. In the end, forgiveness simply means never putting another person out of our heart.
Excerpted from BRINGING HOME THE DHARMA by Jack Kornfield, (c) 2011.
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I am so excited and want to do a 4th step. My question.............. Did you ever take any of it back? After giving your 4th and 5th your all did you find later that it would come up again? Does it go away forever?
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We all drank and know how to do that. It's living sober that I am learning about.
I am so excited and want to do a 4th step. My question.............. Did you ever take any of it back? After giving your 4th and 5th your all did you find later that it would come up again? Does it go away forever?
All I can say is when I did these steps the last time, with 'total honesty', it was once and done ... over, gone, biggest weight I've ever known lifted from me ... TODAY ... 6 years later, I practice living the 10, 11, and 12 steps where we practice these principles in ALL our affairs ... ... ... life is so much better than I could have ever imagined, but I had to work the program to get to where I am today ... it did not 'just happen' ... ... ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Ditto to what Pappy said! When I did my 5th Step with my sponsor, we began with a prayer bringing God in to preside over everything. Once I gave my 5th Step to God, it belonged to Him. It wasn't mine to bother with any longer. Mike D.
In my journey through the steps, the action of forgiveness did not appear until step 6, and came through God and prayer, rather than any choice on my part. Bold italics are my comments.
"If we can answer to our satisfaction, we then look at Step Six. We have emphasized willingness as being indispensable. Are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable? Can He now take them all (including resentment) - every one? If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing.
When ready, we say something like this: "My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character (including resentment) which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen." We have then completed Step Seven.
Now we need more action, without which we find that "Faith without works is dead." Let's look at Steps Eight and Nine. We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends. We made it when we took inventory. We subjected ourselves to a drastic self-appraisal. Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past. We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves. If we haven't the will to do this, we ask until it comes. Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol."
Then step 10 becomes part of my way of life:
"Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone."
I have found that when I pray (we ask God) for the ability to forgive (have a resentment removed) and it hasn't worked, the answer is often that I need to recognise and make amends for my part. I have to ask forgiveness and, paradoxically, I find I have forgiven and been freed of the resentment as the result.
