I had too much coffee. I guess the body is healing a bit, coffee is keeping me up, I am no longer exhausted. I found a hobby I like I can do at night. Jewelry making seems like I'm good at it. My car is down so I'm walking to a meeting tomorrow and Monday I'll get it towed into the mechanics before walking to a nooner.
The meetings close by have a lot of halfway houses near and not much long term sobriety but it's still a meeting. I still feel so diffrent. That spiritual feeling of being guided and supported has not left. I know I almost OD'Ed of alcohol positioning a few times the last 4 months of my drinking and have never been that close or scared of my body shutting down. It hurt bad.
I am wondering when God is gonna leave me. I'm wondering when I'm doing better if I'm going to leave God. Funny how the ego can do that. "Life is going good Higher Power I think I'm ready to take that control and self will back". That scares me taking my self will back. I'm scared I will get delusional as we sometimes do and think I'm cured. This had been a tough year. I hit bottom for the first time and I have no one to blame.
I want to do step four so bad but I haven't found a sponcer. I have numbers guess I should just ask or maybe start saying in a meeting I need one. I want someone with some time sober not just a year or two. Hope that's not bad.
Im not a drama queen this time around no head games and have had a big spiritual awakening but that has happened before while dry. I don't want my ego to screw this up. Anyone can read Eckhart Tolle or The Dali LAMA or the Bible whatever it is. But not everyone can stay sober.
I'm an alchoholic it's obvious. My poor Mom and Dad believed the bi-polar crap until I had them read a few stories in the big book mentioning our insanity and paranoia. My Mom feels better but my Dad had a daily drinker for a father who was a drunk and my Mom who was a raging drunk for 20 years quit and can drink a sip of wine here and there. She is not me she sobered up once and didnt drink for 10 years and now just doesn't drink except communion at church. That's crazy to me. I couldn't do that if my life depended on it and it does.
What to do. Meditating rocks love it! I don't have my hobby supplies here yet. I only have my iPhone internet until tomorrow morning when I get the net back up. Coffee my new addiction you have let me down. My happy cure all has left me wired and not able to sleep. Decaf you tasteas good but were not served this night. Maybe any addiction is bad. I quit smoking 2 weeks before my last drunk. They make a patch for smoking not for the drunk.
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We all drank and know how to do that. It's living sober that I am learning about.
Good morning Liz, I get the feeling that you're just "waiting for the other shoe to drop" -- you have the feeling that something, or someone, will come along and screw everything up. I know the feeling. I was exactly in the same place you're in many years ago. I felt like my sobriety was like a little weak candle flame standing out in a big strong wind. Very delicate and fragile to say the least. To say that I was very afraid would be an understatement.
I get the feeling that you're doing a lot of praying and that you are developing a close connection with God. Correct? If so, that is very very good!! Can't emphasize that enough. I'd increase that as much as possible. From reading your post, I get the impression that you've pretty much surrendered. That's exactly where I was at this point, and that is very very very good!!! I'd increase that as much as possible too.
Liz, let me tell you something I learned as I developed my own relationship with God. God is NEVER going to leave you!! Not ever! He loves you and He always has. And, He is never going to stop loving you and helping you, no matter what you do. Yes, you're right....you can walk away from Him...that's true. But, He will still bend over backwards for you.
I'm trying to avoid telling you what to do, but I'll tell you what I did in the early stages of my sobriety....if that's okay.
When I first became so darned scared of drinking that I was finally willing to do anything to stay sober, I found a guy in A.A. who had definitely worked the Steps and I asked him to please get me started on Step FOUR!!!!!! He did that for me immediately, and I followed the directions in the Big Book and the 12 & 12 and I did my 4th Step over a period of two days. There are 4th Step inventory worksheets available on line you can print off. Very helpful. I decided that, if I was going to do this thing, I'd do it thoroughly and completely. I didn't hold anything back or leave anything out. The next day I went to his house and did a very long Fifth Step. Taking those actions is what propelled me through the rest of the Steps. As I did those actions, everything changed inside me and all around me.
As for choosing a sponsor, here's what I did. I didn't focus so much on how many years of sobriety the person had. I focused on if they had actually worked the 12 Steps. As it turned out, my sponsor did have around 10 years of sobriety at that time. But more importantly, I knew that he'd worked the Steps....because I ASKED him. Not everyone with years of sobriety has actually worked the Steps. The big factor here is that I did these things WITHOUT DELAY. That's what made the difference!
I have tons more to say to you, but I won't go on and on. The last thing I want to say is that God is protecting you, loving you, and helping you.
That post felt familiar to me too. I think your in a good place even if it feels uncomfortable. Much about sobriety is moving beyond your comfort zone so, yes, you need to speak up about the sponsor in meetings and make those calls. Otherwise, it sounds like you are right where you are supposed to be.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Gosh girlfriend, you sound just like me... I waited a while before getting a sponsor because of the same reasons you gave. I am addicted to coffee now, (still on cigs--and it is great you quit and shows how much additional strength you have to quit two addictions, not just one) and my eyes stay glazed over from that similar to what the alcohol does. (I wonder in meetings if people look at my eyes and think I am still drinking). Just so much of what you posted sounds like me either early in my sobriety (Ha! I'm still early, but I mean the very first months) or the way I am now. There is half and half coffee you can get which is half caffeine and half de-caf. It tastes about the same to me. With my 10-15 cups per day, I really cannot tell the difference until I go to AA meetings, or have the "real stuff" with other AA'ers at a coffee shop. I try not to beat myself up over it too much and realize it ain't booze. I'll cut down on my coffee intake I know in time. Speaking of coffee, it really helped me when I started making coffee and/or cleaning up after the meetings. Makes me feel I am helping other AA'ers. That has given me real satisfaction as for years I didn't do anything for anyone else and only was concerned about ME.
Sounds like your mind is really going into high gear and thinking about what you need to do to stay sober. That's the good news. I think when I stop thinking like that and try to block out all of those kinds of thoughts, that is when I am in real deep manure. You are going to meetings when you could use your car troubles as an excuse not to go. You are presenting the BB to your parents and going over literature in it with them. (Wow!) You have gotton over the "drama queenism" (Really? I am still working on that one, can you share with me how you did that?) My ex sent me info on bi-polar, as he and my daughter at first thought that was my issue, too, and not just the alcoholism--but they have known for years it is the alcohol. You have a hobby which you enjoy (I have told myself I want to make jewelry for years--still "talking" about it).
You are right about the patch for not smoking. I have used those in the past, but got back on the smoking. I use my HP and AA for not drinking. I come to this board and post and have a couple of online "buddies" and well as one really good AA friend. You are on the right track and I find your postings very helpful to me. I may have some months on you, Liz, but I am still as scared as you are that if I don't do everything "just right" then I will take that one drink which has the power to kill me.
Hope you try and think about all that you are doing right now which is keeping you sober. Sounds like a bunch of things from what I have read from your posts and thank you for sharing and helping me stay sober. (((((Liz)))))))
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Sunday 29th of December 2013 10:56:47 AM
Late night can't sleep coffee share. Thank you guys.
Thank you for your encouragement. Not everyone stays sober. The last drinking month I had I bleached my hair platnum blond (Orange) and cut bangs with layers in a black out. I guess I told my neighbor I needed to look fun for the the bar. I messed up my hair so bad. I'm still dealing with the concequences. I went to a beauty college because I drank all my money away to get it fixed for $20 and she decided I would look good with red in my hair and an almost black/red color. My hair is distroyed. My crowning glory that was, still is down to my lower back must be cut soon. I also packed on 30lbs beer isn't light at 30 a day, and got a reputation for being a mentaly unstable person. Go figure I'm a good girl most of my adult life afraid to drink because of the consequences I face. Then by deciding to get over my fear because I'm an adult at 35, what happened in highschool wont happen now I was being bullied (victim) and I won't get alcohol poisioning like my early 20's I was depressed. By 36 I lost it all again and was put on SSD (but I hope to get off already doing the ticket to work program). I can't even smoke pot anymore as something happened during my spiritual experience and now get flattened when I do. I can't move and go into a depression.
The Drama Queen....... I have spent most of my life being a professional victim, people pleaser, co-dependant and I did some research. I was a compulsive lier. I told people lies all the time like "no that's ok" or "yes I like __________" etc. I was also a control freak. I had to control how they felt, there emotions. They had to be happy, I couldn't let them feel any unplesant emotion with out stepping in and changing or trying to change what they felt. I would do things that hurt me financially to make them happy so I didn't have to be around someone who's "Vibes" were negative. Then at the end when I couldn't take it anymore flip out.
I was always nice until night when I would hide in my room crying because they were not always nice. My roommates gave me a lot until I moved into a small apartment so I wouldn't let anyone leach off me anymore. I was still doing the nice thing until one month ago when I realized being nice was gonna get me drunk again because I didn't want to hurt my old party bud's feelings by not hanging out with them.
No is a complete sentince. "No". See even if I can't spell I know some gramer. Emotions are telling me something and I can not afford to hang on to any of them. Emotions come and go but my actions based on them have real consequences. Emotions tell me things and I don't spend time anymore trying to find what. If it is not obvious why I feel something I let it go now. Digging up old stuff trying to find out why I feel something is like fingering through poo trying to find out what I ate yesterday. I will do my 4th step and that is the past right now I'm in the present even if I have to chant stupid mantra's like "I love myself" in my head for 20 miniuts to come back into the moment.
My thinking and emotions are not the same. Emotions and thinking are two diffrent things. MY thoughts affect my emotions and emotions affect my thoughts. Seperating the two is vital for me or I do crap like drink and end up in blackouts posesed by some freak cuttig and bleaching my hair.
Feeling something like pain and not thinking just feeling was a gift I have recieved from my HP. It clears it up and out so I don't have to hold on and be a control freak over my emotional recovery. I have to let go of why sometimes and trust change trust crying and pain are moving out because I blocked them in the past. They were there but now get to come out and leave my being. Anger is a hard one to. I actually send it up in my imagination for my HP to deal with. Up and out until I can logically with out emotional reactions and actions deal with it. Most of it is my victim days hitting me I let people hurt me. Today no one is hurting me so send it up you deal with it. I'll do my 4th and 5th until I am ready to move on it may take a while but I will be free.
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We all drank and know how to do that. It's living sober that I am learning about.
