I have been somewhat of a Scrooge this year and am in a bit of a funk. First time that I can remember that I didn't send my daughter and mom their holiday "money" gifts yet. It's not that I didn't have it, although it wouldn't be as much as I usually send, I had something, but just didn't. Think I have resentments toward both of them. Maybe because my daughter stopped communicating with me through emails like she was if only to say a "Good for you!" about my sober dates. I wanted to go see my mom on Thanksgiving and Christmas because I have been sober, miss her, and haven't seen her in several years. She is staying with a relative while waiting for her new apartment to be fixed up. We had been corresponding through emails and I got really worried for the last two weeks when she stopped answering them. So I finally called which I hated doing as I had to talk to another relative who knows of my drinking past and she cut me off. They both told me that her computer was down and it suddenly started working again right before I called. Hmmmmm. No tech was needed and I found myself being paranoid that they just made that up about the computer and my mom just didn't want to deal with me. Also, don't know why she didn't want me to come see her unless since she is staying with another family member, and other family members would be there visiting during the holidays, she is embarrassed to have me there because of my drinking past. I had a box of XMas cards and was going to send them out which would have been first time in years I sent cards and that didn't get done. Got invited to a party by another AA'er--didn't go because I have had to fight back tears at the AA meetings for the last couple of days and didn't want to be a downer for others there and get into any of my personal problems. My sponsor won't even respond to my last couple of text messages when I get into that carp and that hurt me.
It is the first holiday I haven't been drinking in years and I should be really happy and upbeat and this cursed depression is getting the better of me. Need a real attitude adjustment and not sure what or how to change it. Anyway, I know that only I am responsible for myself and my own feelings and emotions and not really looking or expecting anyone else to help me out of it, just felt this burning desire to share, and since I don't do much of that in meetings yet, am doing it here. Thank God for the meetings and this site as I know I would have downed a bottle of wine by now with the way I am feeling it is only 9:20 a.m. Anyway, I spent most of the last few days baking. I have baked myself silly and although not many people have been eating my goodies at the meetings and I'm eating most of them (Ugggg!) I probably am going to do more baking today to keep my mind off of my mind. Thanks for letting me vent on here.
How about read the big book instead. I was kind of shocked that you hadn't yet? I think you said you didn't anyway... no offense or anything... I don't read it every day either.
I do always enjoy reading it with someone else in the rooms. I of course typically do it with my sponsor, and we do a big book meeting that is very intimate before our board meetings... so it's usually just the people on the board of which I have the least sobriety by about 25 years. Oh wait - no - my sponsor ONLY has 12. lol
Anyway - I have also sat down and read with friends over coffee in a quiet coffee shop. It's neat because you can talk about things that strike you, or your experiences with the things they are talking about. I really love it. Heck - you could call me later on skype and we could do it together!!! I would love to! I'm home alone with these kittens today trying to force myself to not shop the after Christmas sales lolololol.
I thought I would love a day to myself but nope. Only the 2nd or 3rd one in 7 yrs... but isolated is no longer a guilty pleasure for me I've discovered!!!
It's ironic in your post the whole time I was thinking of all the people I HAVE now shunned since getting sober. I don't call it that of course... I like to say "detach with love" but it's essentially the same thing lol.
I suppose the idea around it is that we are not allowing ourselves to be around people who don't bring out the best in us... or to a lesser degree even... maybe people who are a threat to our emotional sobriety... of which I am finding I am stronger and stronger and able to handle situations which used to baffle me :)
Your loved ones of course can't know how your doing or that they might be ready to be with you since they're not with you and don't know the changes you're going through.
One thing that was said to me by my sponsor was "Your poor loved ones... first it was all about YOU and YOUR drinking! Now it's all about YOU and YOUR recovery! What about THEM? Give THEM a chance to heal and recover from the affects of YOU!" It was hard to hear, but she gave me a hug and told me that if I kept doing what I was doing worked the steps, slowly let them rebuild their trust on THEIR HP's watch... NOT MINE.... that everything would work out as it should in the end. It was the beginning of the concept of a living amend, though I was no where near my step 9, it helped give me a bit of practice. Most of my amends were living amends, and the only direct amends I made were to let people know that I was open to making right anything they felt harmed them - not to worry if it would hurt my feelings to hear it, I wanted to know so I could make it right... and that was a forever offer so that if they ever thought of more to bring it to me when they were ready. That and some other stuff for things I stole - mostly time - which is just volunteer work for me now. Something I was already used to so the real challenge was how to step it up.
I think you're going through some self pity and you know the best way to get out of it already. Work on your program, work with others... you can't bake your way through the steps... if only baking for 12 days was all we had to do LOLOL.... I'm just jokin with ya Grace. I hope you know that.
You're doing wonderfully - and you're reaching out. Now use that smart brain of yours to see what other options you can come up with - and NO fooling yourself. You can get a 12x12 and start reading - start writing some things down about your bottom and how your life became unmanageable... for step 1 and your feelings around step 2 as well... and have that all ready for your sponsor. You can start your step 3 and make your lists of what you believe your HP is and isn't and start practicing living in a reflection of your written understanding. Checking yourself through out the day. You can read those chapters in the BB again and on the step work board here. Your sponsor will be so pleased to go over what you have so far and maybe even get you going on your fourth step soon! YOU CAN do this! You have choices today! You're not pinned to the wall with the death grip of booze around your neck! You're free! Live like it!!! We love you - we are rooting for you - keep posting your progress because it helps us while it helps you.
Much love xoxoxoxoxoo
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I am reading the BB with my sponsor. I do have a 12 and 12 and was told not to read forward so I am up to speed on that. I was told not to read the chapters ahead of the BB either. I also read other publications regarding alcoholism and AA and spend at least 30 minutes a day reading in books (I have a lot of those which I accumulated over the last several years in other attempts to stay sober) and I spend another hour or more per day reading AA stuff and/or listening to uploaded Speaker videos or CDs. Last night while baking I had my laptop in the kitchen and was listening to a utube video on the Third Step. So I do get quite a bit of AA info in each day with all of that alongwith meetings and on this board. (Gosh, if I spent as much time trying to make money rather than on so much AA stuff each day, I might be alright financially :)
I have no doubt that I have some serious self-pitying going on right now and hate unloading on this board like I did. Just didn't know where else to go and am scared if I keep all this carp inside me, I'll be headed for the 7-11 and the grass will get bare again.
Just have to remember that "life on life's term" quote, which I will have to look it up as I have forgotten how it goes.
Hi BTY, I loved Tasha's share to you, it really shows the wisdom to be found in this program ... (if you don't believe me, simply go back and check out her posts this time period last year ... LOL)
BTY, I hated the holidays my first year sober, they were EXTREMELY depressing for me ... you are not alone by gaining this experience ... I knew, as you have indicated, that things were better, but I wanted what the others in sobriety had, RIGHT THEN, ... ... ... I had very little patience and soon found that prayer and talking to other alkies helped me more than I can put down in words ... somehow, my prayers were answered and my patience grew from 'none' to 'more than I deserve' kinda thing ... ... ...
Hope of a good day today and a better tomorrow kept me going ... doing what was suggested, even when I didn't see or agree with the point, helped me to continue progress in recovery ... a 'so-so' or bad day in recovery is STILL better than any day spent drunk ... ... ... over and over and over, I've proved that there is nothing so bad about my situation today that a drink or a drug won't make ten times worse ...
You're mom and daughter simply don't know you as being a stable, sober person with whom they want to invest part of their lives with yet ... that will come in time as long as you continue to build your life in the AA principles and program ... TIME ... you don't get 4 or 5 years sober in the first 6 to 9 months ... and I remind you of what the BB says of the promises, ... sometimes quickly, sometimes SLOWLY. ... they will always materialize, if we work for them ... so keep sharing here and at meetings and doing the work necessary to remain in the 'recovery mode' ... and you'll find that happiness you seek ...
(((((HUGS))))) and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thank you both for your responses. Got all teary eyed and snotty just reading them....(that's why I certainly don't want to get on phone or Skype --which I don't have anyway-- right now, jad. (Yuckky me!)
This too will pass and I think it is just that when I have been this way in the past I have relied on alcohol to numb it out and I don't have that anymore.
I remember some of your shares, the things lost, the pain. There is no magic to heal our hearts in my experience. Feeling the love and compassion of your friends here helps. Tasha and Pappy are awesome on sharing the love and encouraging. :)
What a great observation that you have to feel it now. You keep seeing your own recovery. I hope you can feel good about that. Love yourself a bit or doing the right thing, taking care of you!
You are getting better, stronger, and sending hugs your way!
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"I spent a lifetime in hell and it only took me twelve steps to get to heaven."
"Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you."
