I have been asked a few times if someone could have a copy of what I said in the meeting last night.  I decided I would post it here, share it with everyone, and from here it can be copied by those who want to keep it for later reading.  the topics were expectations, letting go of resentments, and acceptance.

*************

extremely good topics tonight...

 expectations.. wow... they always set the stage for me to get upset, lose my balance and focus...

 find a point of disappointment...

 expectations on others, never leaves me feeling good or empowered...

 instead it reflects two things... that I am trying to get the abnormal to act normal, or behave normal... the irresponsible to be responsible, the immature to conduct themselves maturely

 how has that worked out for me so far?  

 not worth a poop!

 lol

 the other thing it does is reflect on how needy I am... 

 When I have to put an expectation in place... its because I believe I need something or someone to do something or be something... so I can feel safe, validated, secure....

 in short, I am not able to provide myself with a sense of well being and contentment, safety, etc... so I need someone else to do it for me.

 I was taught early on in this program... that when I stopped trying to get something or someone outside of me, to fix something inside of me...

 I was on my way to recovery... to serenity, to self contentment, to peace.

 expectations are not much more than having a nice resentment put on reservation...

 so I have something to point at tomorrow, next week, next month... to justify and rationalize the condition of my internal sense of self, and how screwed up it is.

 When I can let go of expectations... and just learn how to accept that everyone has their own part to play and I am not the director, the stage manager, or God....

 and allow everyone, including myself to be less than perfect...

 I am finally taking myself off the baby sitting clock... I am no longer working all the time to make sure, standing guard, making sure that...

 everyone is doing what I think they should be, where they should be... acting the way I think they should be...

 man... doing that stuff is a lot of work...

 when I let go of expectations... I get to take a breath... inhale and exhale...

 relax... 

 because in releasing my expectations... I am also turning things over to the CARE of the God of my understanding...

 and when I do that... I don't have to live in a frenzy, in a state of worry and fear...

 insecurity subsides, and faith steps in...

 resentments... comes from a old italian phrase.. to resend.. to relive...

 I resend that harm that I precieve was done to me, to my brain and ignite all the anger, the ugly memory of it, the emotional baggage that comes with it...

 again and again and again... to fortify and validate the resentment...

 so in short... someone hurts me once...

 and then I reinflict myself with it over and over and over... and they are no where in sight...

 I am now doing it to myself.

 Who is harming me now?

 I am... I am the one who recreates the event, the situation... all between my ears...

 and allows it to play itself out... and throw me back into a place of despair...

 mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually...

 cuz trust me.. there is nothing attached to my resentments that have a spiritual light with them...  LOL

 So, I once was told.. .if someone shoots you once.. and you resent... you pull the trigger again and again and again, to keep that event a live and active in your mind...

 so, that being the case, who is now holding the gun you are getting shot with over and over?

 I am.

 If I'm ready to stop being shot... I have to stop resenting.. and I have to visualize myself putting my weapons on the ground...

 my weapons might be excuses, justifications, ....

 self rightousness...

 I have to surrender all of it.  Release it.

 Otherwise, I am setting the stage for a very unhappy camper that has to live inside my body... and his name is John.

 Acceptance, I will only go as far as saying that when I simply become willing to honestly admit that I am not doing very well at accepting a person, situation, or event...

 and it is causing me a hardship...

 I am starting that journey towards acceptance...

 it starts as soon as I open the door of honesty...

 and if the best I can do is honestly admit that I have some work to do in that area... the work has begun.

 Thanks for letting me share.

 done.