There was a feeling of a dark secret that was no more.

I felt like my guilt, my shame, my load of crap.... That I put on myself was much worse than it really was. Even in starting out in my program, the self centered focus was there.

It was a liberation of self. When we pray to free from the bondage of self, that may have been when it started.

I didn't have much fear of step 4 except that I did not understand what it was about. I was fearful of the fifth, involving another human being. My journey in AA started with prayer (step 11) asking for knowledge of His will, and the power to carry it out. Shortly after starting those prayers I found myself at my sponsor's door asking him to help me with these two steps. We spent a day working through the book, the 12 and 12, and the Hazelden guide to 4th step inventory. At the end we had a list of defects and I had begun to see how I was my own worst enemy. I vaguely understood how these faulty character traits like fear and selfishness were at the root of my problems.

The next day I took step 5 with him, withholding nothing. These were the secrets, the ones I hoped would never see the light of day, the ones that kept me awake at night. They were the consequences of my screwed up behaviours and attitudes identified in step 4. The courage to do this came directly through prayer. I really thought my sponsor, or anyone else, if they knew this stuff about me, would not want to know me. But through prayer it became clear that I must do this or I might not overcome drinking.

Thus for me, courage is fear that has said its prayers.

God bless,
MikeH

Real good responses.....Good stuff.

 

 

Fear appeared to be my greatest emotional character defect.  After I learned what emotions were I did an inventory on mine.  Inventories of conscience are nothing new to a Catholic...rehabilitation is one of our rites as confession (5th step) is also.  The steps without being called "the steps" run thru that religion.  Fear for me also showed its face in my rage and anger so I had emotional changes I needed to make in order to recover.   My friends and family would ask me "You are afraid...really"? They read the anger and rage and violence bassackwards as I originally did myself.  I went thru the emotion of fear soooo quickly and then reacted that I never really noticed it until I inventoried my emotional character.  Fear isn't moral or immoral...it's a Creator given emotion which very often is helpful.   I was taught that fear has two responses...fight/flight.  The only flying I did was either as the pilot or passenger in an airplane.  Fighting?  lots of experience with that one.   The 4th step became gold to me when I realized that it was the door that led me to know and understand the one person I had lived my entire life with and never knew anything about...me. Having great sponsorship and fellowship around and with me during the inventory years was a blessing from God...It still is.  Good post and subject.

This is such a great topic for us to talk about...especially for those who are new and just beginning to take Steps 4 and 5.

When I first approached Step 4, my greatest fear in life was Truth...the Truth about me.  Basically, I was a total fraud.  The "me" that I presented to others was a complete falsehood.  But, not only did the other people in my life believe my lie....so did I.  The "real me" was riddled with the fear of "ripping off the mask" that I'd always worn, and seeing myself as I really am....and letting other people see it too.  Probably the only reason I didn't let this fear stop me from doing Step 4 is that I was so desperate to stay sober.  I knew I'd never stay sober unless I did it.  Yes, I was afraid of going forward in the Steps...but, I was even MORE afraid of going back out.

What made me so darned afraid of Truth?  After Steps 4 and 5, I found out it was my huge ego.  The Truth didn't hurt me....it healed me.  Blessings to all of you, Mike D.