....as a new member having trouble with the somber, formerly derelict crowd at the meetings having me listen to horror stories and feeling a generally depressed atmosphere.. In comparison I'm a lightweight. I never spent time in DOC, never murdered a human (only pigeons), have always been a nice guy and just want to cease drinking alcohol because once I start I can't stop. Many meetings consist of a lot of women chit-chatting (barf me). Others are minorities swinging their agendas seemingly disguised as "sharing" (barf me again) when what I really need is a positive environment with a sharing of positive affirmations and not a bunch of sugar coated bullies that "light up" as soon as they're outside. There is now instant messaging, video off of smartphones going directly online and some more that concerns me because it compromises my anonymity. Bill W. would never have conceived of these things that are potentially destructive to the program. Some of my shares have been bad rapped as "off the subject" when I thought I was offering up some real pertinent concerns (mainly about how I approach the spirit world), which have actually resulted in some arguments. As a result, I go to fewer and fewer meetings and think I might have fit in better with the old white guys of yesteryear-even though some of them were bigots and misogynists (which I am not!). Is there room for modernizing the program or are we going to go with a 75 year old pattern of exercise? Am I in the wrong place?
Welcome...Don't knock those old white haired guys...Most of them know what they are talking about. I get tired of the nonsense in meetings sometimes too....So now I try and stay close to Big Book and Step meetings...Doesn't leave as much room to get off track. How you doing with working the program?...You have a sponsor?
Forgive me if these seem like dumb questions, but I don't know the details of your situation so it's worth asking:
1. Are there ANY people in these meetings who are sharing actual experience about the 12 steps and how they have approached them and what their results have been? Anybody genuinely talking about recovering from alcoholism? If so, you could just pay attention to them and ask them to show you how to do the same thing they did, and just try not be concerned about people who are talking about other things. But just make sure you're not letting unrelated differences between you and other members like age, or differences in the 'horror stories' or other differences in personal backgrounds prevent you from benefitting from what they have to say about recovery.
2. If there really isn't anyone talking about recovering from alcoholism via the 12 step program of AA in your meetings, why not find other meetings?
DaveP nailed it.
There should be a time to focus on the solution. Not all war stories and drama.
AA is a solution based program. There is a new life out there waiting for the sober you to enjoy!
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"I spent a lifetime in hell and it only took me twelve steps to get to heaven."
"Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you."
I hear you on the advances in technology being an issue. I have been to meetings so AWESOME I've wanted to record them on my phone. How our anonymity issues pan out will be an adventure for sure. There are likely changes ahead - but the main thing for you to concern yourself with today is probably what's in YOUR best interest.
I kept in touch with a female sponsor, did step work and continue to do so with my sponsor and sponsee's. It keeps my head in the game - but out of 'the games'. After some time went on, I realized my mind set around things had changed. I didn't have to be here 'putting up' with stuff... I 'got to' be here putting my best forward. I hope you will continue to share your journey here and make loving choices for you. xxx
-- Edited by justadrunk on Tuesday 17th of December 2013 04:44:33 PM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
As a new member I was told to sit down and listen and learn and then practice and I wouldn't do that so I left. The second time I sat down listened without judging with an open mind, convinced I was the newbie and not them, asked questions from some of the members who seemed to know what they were talking about. That was back in 1979 and today I think I've got a pretty good handle on how to use the program to help me...sometimes I think I even have enough to help others too or back...Keep coming back here also.
I has a similar problem. I started going to morning meetings instead of night ones. I never go on Wednesdays ( except when I did my 90 in 90) because of the vibe... also, like everyone says, you will be happier sober and in meetings! Try and find the next closest town and look up meeting times. Different groups and meeting times have a whole different feel to them . Hope that helps!
not knockin" them..I AM one....just first time trying to concentrate on the program and the distractions within the meetings are numerous. I long for simpler times.
Welcome C3. The fact that we have 12 Traditions tells me that the AA meetings of the early days had their issues. I have come to learn that even though I may feel like I'm getting nothing out of a meeting, someone else may hear something they need to hear. I never to to whom or through whom God chooses to speak. Hang in there.
"Is there room for modernizing the program or are we going to go with a 75 year old pattern of exercise? " this has been asked many many times. modernize it? has what alcoholism does changed with modernization? the exercise of breathing has been workin pretty good for people for thousands of years. should that exercise be modernized? im not there but I get the feelin ya may not be listening to what is being said at meetings. be the change ya want to see.
as DB pointed out, it wasn't simpler back in the beginning of AA.
-- Edited by tomsteve on Wednesday 18th of December 2013 09:05:19 AM
Yea Tom- But haven't we had to adapt socially to many things since the program was conceived? Haven't "we" as a society (alcoholic or not) had toconform to modern needs? I go to meetings and listen. I don't speak too much because I really want to get the jist of the program. If that is knowledge and a connection with a Superior Power, and nurturing that connection, I have no problem there. That spiritual connection has been in me for decades now and really is the only thing that's saved me so far. But I've never been much for "clubs" and I'm regularly disappointed by liars and hypocrites. Does that make me stupid? Am I relying too much on phantoms? Yes, I miss the simple good ol' days....it's just that when I start drinking, I can't stop.
welp-, ill say to you what I say to many others that feel it needs to be modernized or updated:
get a pen and paper and do it.
this is a simple program. its been in existence for a lot longer than many realize.
maybe contact AAWS and find out what they have to say about modernizing it. im sure they have had this question asked once or twice.
C3 I love the metaphor, for me of the picture you posted. That pink water lily has been around since the beginning and each and every cycle shows up just as or maybe a little bit more beautiful than the bloom before it. It isn't complicated and mordenized...it's simple and awesome. Be a Lily? Find out what works for you and duplicate it daily. great picture and post.
Thanx Jerry- A perfect flower with it's roots mired in muck yet floating above it all-just to remind me-I can't grow wrong!!! You remind me. Stay sober to see the perfection. I am the lotus. It's just that this one may need antibuse!
c3
-- Edited by C3 on Wednesday 18th of December 2013 02:29:54 PM
The hardest thing I have ever had to do up to interacting with AA is to quit smoking tobacco and pot (a 45 year habit). I used a prescription drug to quit smoking which did make me quit but the side effects and withdrawals (from Bupropion) almost killed me and a 25 year old marriage. That aside, my trial with AA has been intense to say the least. I'm hanging onto the wagon with my fingernails and my feet and lower legs are being dragged on the ground. It's brutal. I watch the hairy eyeballs rolling as I state my case in meetings and often want to leave and never come back. I hear things will get better but...it's all or nothing, right? c3
I gotta say, C3, that sounds like a pretty uncomfortable way to try to stay sober, and it sounds familiar because I was feeling like that when I first started going to meetings. I was basically trying to stay sober just by going to meetings and hoping to hear something that was said at the group level that might somehow help me, and just 'white knuckling it'. I didn't understand the difference between the FELLOWSHIP of AA (what happens in the meetings) and the PROGRAM of AA (the twelve steps). Once I got clued into that, I noticed which people in the meetings were actually talking about their own experience with the steps, and saw that these people had something that I wanted for my own sobriety. It was more than just not drinking, they had gained an ability to walk through life feeling 'comfortable in their own skin'. So I asked one of these guys to act as my sponsor and show me how they worked the steps. It was the difference between just not drinking and really recovering from the awful way that alcoholism made me feel. It really did change my life. Just my experience, but if it helps, feel free to give it a try.
Hi C3....at the risk of sounding like another one of those "chit chatty women"...(LOL--because I do tend to talk a lot mostly on this board and with people I know well), I would like to share...
I am a newbie and for me, I mainly just listened in the meetings to what others shared and that helped me--Oh, not all the shares--some I really wished I hadn't heard--for example, I don't care to hear about anyone's sex life, but if it made them feel better to share all that intimate stuff in front of 50-60 people, well then good for them. I just decided that I could make the choice of listening during that time or I could think about a previous share that was inspiring to me, or even pray to my HP during that time. I share only once in a while now after 1/2 year in the program. I listened for months and months before I did and was pressured into sharing the first time and a couple of times after that. I thought of myself when I read what you wrote about the "eyeballs rolling" because that is a big fear I have of seeing that while I am sharing and I'm afraid I will turn into a big bowl of mush, get embarrassed, start crying, quit AA, etc. I also fear what other expressions I will see/perceive--such as bored, mad, a smile (when I am saying something that is not necessarily something happy), hearing sighs or shifting in the chairs (as I have heard during others' sharings and have perceived that it Must be because they either disagree with the sharer and/or are bored with the sharing during that time. (I don't think that it may be because their butts are getting a little sore from sitting in a hard chair for so long and maybe they are sighing because they felt a blissful feeling at something the sharer just shared). That's all just me and my crazy thinking and the last time I shared I tried to block all of that stuff out of my mind and oh, yes--I did as someone suggested on this board or in a meeting--I prayed to my HP and asked Him if there was anything He wanted me to share to please help me with the wording.
Anyway, glad you are here!
Thanx chitty chatty better than ystrday ...It all helps THO the judge dealt me a curve today-which will take some time to absorb....HP help me....I'm going to try to attend a meet tomorrow tho being physical, financially and emotionally hindered and the ones that are supposed to be my advocates are nasty
b@$@rds....we'll see how it goes-C3
I go to meetings and listen. I don't speak too much because I really want to get the jist of the program.
The way I got the jist of the program wasn't in meetings....It was in The Big Book of AA...The clear cut directions to the 12 steps. From the foreward of the first edition...
To show other alcoholics PRECISELY HOW WE HAVE RECOVERED is the main purpose of this book.
It's a text book...Not a novel. I'd recommend reading it like one. More than Once...I think you'll find that it will give you a real good idea of who is working the program and who isn't. Latch on to the ones that are...Do what they did. You'll get what they got....Trust me on this one.
I found it helpful early on...That if I did share...I'd ask a question I had with the book...I didn't need to tell these people what it was like to be an alcoholic...They already knew that...And I didn't have the solution yet....So basically I had nothing to offer. I asked a few questions....And I found out the ones that answered them were the ones I wanted to get to know.
-- Edited by Stepchild on Wednesday 18th of December 2013 10:22:24 PM
I would also soak up the big book and then find just 1 person that you can respect, that has worked the steps, do the steps with them, and in meetings listen for things that help you understand and work those steps. There is no requirement to feel like every one in AA is your best friend. Hopefully, you'll feel better about some of your peers when you have more of the solution.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I have personally found that letting folks in and learning to identify with others from different walks of life but all having the same thing in common has made my world in general much more positive and I feel so much better being part of rather than annoyed by. Doing AA as a "we" makes it easier but it goes against some of our nature. Prior to AA, I looked at every thing with crap colored sunglasses on. If I had to give up or change something, I only focused on what I was losing and how I was suffering in the process. ..never what I was gaining. Perhaps, focus on the 9th step promises and what there is to be gained from AA and working the steps. I'm only stating this because it seems like your view of sobriety is negative and of sober people too. It need not be that way and a psychic change is called for. That could take the form of surrendering the negativity and comparing rather than identifying with others. A sponsor is not gonna drop in your lap while you are busy "suffering through" meetings and the people in them. For me, I did have to be open minded, willing to do things differently than before, and shift my attitudes. The old way I did things was killing me. I had nothing to lose but my suffering and negativity. Dig deep and move forward. You can do this. But the way often involves challenging yourself to drop old behaviors and stepping out of your comfort zone to adopt new ones. Your HP can also make this process so much better if you let him/her/it.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 18th of December 2013 11:43:35 PM
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
. Hope that helps!
