Being kind of new here, and not really knowing anyone's background quite yet, I thought I'd post this just to get a feel for who everyone is, how it all started, and how you got to the point where you're at now. I'll go first:
I've lived with general anxiety disorder since I was about 16 years old (47 now), and had no idea what it was, so I hid it from everyone because I actually thought I may be crazy, so to speak. I suffered my way through high school, through one year of college, and finally got out into the working world. Still suffering in silence. I had been playing guitar since I was about 15 and ultimately joined a band, which became quite popular in this small area, but still, I didn't drink. I was about 21 when I had my first beer. Was ironic I could be on stage with the anxiety disorder, but somehow it didn't bother me in that situation. Strange, I know.
As time progressed, working and playing music, the drinking slowly progressed too. My first drink at home (alone) was when I was about 29 years old. It got to the point where I would come home from work each night, and drink at least a 12 pack before going to bed. I had no children (was 32 when my first was born) so pulling this off seemed to be easy and harmless. I could do it, get to work the next day, no problem.
I was about 31, still drinking through week and pouring it on during the weekends, when it dawned on my. DRINKING CURES MY ANXIETY. I figured out that drinking blanketed the anxiety symptoms, and from that point on, I knew I had found the "cure". That was when it all sky rocketed. I had found the cure for anxiety, and I wasn't about to go through it anymore. That said, I still made it to work (hung over all the time), but I made it.
The drinking progressed after that even more, and looking back now, grew into a bigger problem than the anxiety, but I still wouldn't admit it. I drank all through my 30's, tore down a marriage, lost my job, but was still in so much denial that I had an alcohol problem that I just easily blamed it on something else. Always. I can remember even sneaking a couple of beers into work, or keeping them in my car to go out and down one. Still, I "didn't have a problem". Looking back now, I find it just amazing how strong denial can be, even when alcohol was running my life. Just baffles me now.
Anyway, I finally got married again, which lasted for 11 years, the drinking continued and progressed even more since we were working out of our home. It got to the point where I would get so sick if I didn't have a drink every day, that I finally was mature enough to recognize that I had no power over it. After she left me (and I don't blame her), that's when I decided I couldn't do it on my own and found this website, going to detox, and now will be attending AA to try and sustain my sobriety.
That being said, here I am. I am so very curious to hear others' stories, I would love to read them if anyone wants to share.
My story is very similar, ... I didn't have my 1st drink til I was a few weeks shy of 21 ... got sick, swore I'd never do that again ... went a year or so, then drank at a party where they said mix your own drink ... not knowing how to do that, someone said just mix some 7-up and Seagrams 7 together, I did ... 1/2 a tall glass of Seagrams and the other 1/2 with 7-up ... ... ... they had to pick me up and put me in the car for my wife to drive home ... again, I said, never again ... LOL ...
15 years later, it was a 12 pk a day, then it progressed to drinking at work ... had option to 'resign', or be demoted ... I resigned, cause I was so arrogant ... spent over a 1/4 mil on a failed business with my retirement money ... I was 42 ... I was now drinking an average of a case a day ... like you, I tried to stop, only to get very sick ... a few drinks later, I felt good again ...
I went to treatment a number of times over the next few years and remained sober for up to 9 months, but then I'd find an excuse to drink again and I kept getting fired ... the last time I had a counselor that really got me pointed in the right direction ... he set up a sponsor for me before I left treatment and I have been with AA ever since ... that was nearly 6 years ago ... AA has given me back the life I never knew was possible ... thank God and AA for a wonderful life now filled with trying to help others ... it's a 'peace and serenity' I cannot describe in mere words ... you have to 'experience it' to believe it ... all it took for me was someone convincing me to have a little faith in the program of AA, I did, and IT worked ...
I had tried all sorts of other methods to quit drinking, none worked ... AA did ... I love my brothers and sisters in AA ... they are the 'salt of the earth' as one great man put it ... ... ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Good Morning, Jalen. Great share. I too have a lot of anxiety....at first I thought the alcohol helped me relax and was an escape from it as well as other "problems". I started drinking earlier than you....I was 18. Problem drinker from the start as one drink never quite did the trick with me. I would drink until I would throw up many times, swearing off of everytime I would be hanging over the toilet bowl, or hanging out of a car vomiting on the curb. Never did enter my mind I had any issue with alcohol back then. Just thought I was normal. I guess this would be considered binge drinking . Years later I got to see the inside of a couple of jail cells, had trips to nearby $2,000+ per night hospitals via $500 rescue squads, among other things. Somewhere in the middle of all that, I realized I probably had a drinking problem. Tried AA several times. Didn't get a sponsor, Didn't work the steps, quit AA, started drinking again. Needed some more pain in my life and I got it by drinking. Started AA again, have a sponsor and am working the steps. Still on Step 3. Love AA meetings (been attending at least one a day since I last got sober over 6 months ago), love this board and the people on it who encourage me and give me hope through their "shares" as well as share beautiful pictures of sunsets along with inspirational quotations, and some even share a joke or two which gives me a much needed laugh at a good time when I am perhaps feeling a little low. I don't feel so "different" anymore and their is a connectivity that exists between all of us in AA and on this board because we all are alcoholics just trying to stay sober so that we can be happier, more loving people and have peace which was (at least for me...) non-existent in my life as long as I was drinking. I have more love for my HP, myself and other people and more self confidence and I feel more in control of my life than I have been in years. All it took was for me to admit that I am powerless over alcohol and seeking my HP for His strength and love to help me stay sober and giving AA a chance. "It works if you work it."
I am happy for you that you are here and planning on attending AA meetings. I am not one to give too much advice on this board or in AA in general. However, I would like to suggest to you that the sooner you go to an AA meeting, the easier it will become to stay sober. It was very easy for me to procrastinate getting back into AA as I put off so many things throughout my life. Kept telling myself I know AA will help me (while pouring down beer after beer or glass after glass of wine). Told myself I could quit by myself, or that I didn't need a sponsor. I can rationalize the easy way out because I am basically a lazy person when it comes to anything that involves a lot of effort and/or time on my part. Funny how I never thought about all the time I spent drinking. And I don't miss it one bit. Love my new sober life.
Take care and hope to hear follow ups from you. We care about you on this board!
((((Jalen)))))
Powerless over alcohol and my wives were unmanageable
You can fill in the spaces :)
I cannot blame my alcoholism on my ex or anyone other than myself for my problems which were a result of my alcoholism.
Me, myself and I ....that is who and only who was "unmanageable" in my life.
I will echo that. I did this to myself, no one else. When I finally realized it was ME who had to fix it, that's when I began seeking out help through any avenue I could, including finding this forum. I've never been behind bars, unless you want to count the drunk tank 3 times for DUI's. I'm sure it counts for the same thing, but luckily no trouble other than that. It took me 3 times to learn my lesson after they mentioned the word "prison" if I got another one. Hence, the drinking continued at home, but still got worse.
Either way, tomorrow night is the night of my first AA meeting, can't wait to see what it's all about.
Oh...philipld...now I am LMAO, too! Excuse my "newbie thinking". As hard as I try to find the humor in things, I missed the sarcasm in that. I must be slipping :)
