Hi everyone, One thing that appeals to me about this MIP Forum is the stimulating and thought-provoking discussions that we have here. There is always a lot of good input. With that in mind, I'd like to create some discussion here about making time for those we've agreed to sponsor. While my own sponsor is a man who holds a job in the media -- a local celebrity with a very busy schedule -- he always found time to help me work the Steps on a regular basis. Regardless of his seemingly-hectic schedule, he never cancelled the regular standing-appointment he'd made with me. He never had to postpone a date, or re-schedule....not even once. Tuesday night was always my night with Scott for Step-work, and that was that. And, that was always the way it was. Even though he had a demanding job, a busy life, and a growing family, he made sure to be available to me. He never actually came right out and said it, but I always had the feeling that he believed he had a responsibility to me....a responsibility to lead me through all the Steps. His actions taught me something. When I first became a sponsor, I adopted the exact same policy. I made an agreement to sponsor a new guy named Nelson. Once I made the agreement with him, I made time for him on Monday evenings for working the Steps. And he responded to my commitment by always keeping his commitment to show up every Monday night. I believe that the commitment we both made to each other is what got him through the Steps, and still keeps us both sober today.
Over the many years I've been in A.A. and attended meetings, I've heard lots of newly recovering men and women say that their sponsors don't have the time to get together with them for Step-work. It's "hit and miss" at best. They say that their sponsor is extremely busy...tight schedule...too much to do. For the most part, their sponsors seem to want them to call them, or meet them for a few minutes after a meeting to talk in the parking lot. In the parking lot? Really? Can anyone really work a Step on the phone? Can anyone actually work a Step in a church parking lot? While I could be wrong, it appears to me that too many newcomers aren't getting through the Steps because too many sponsors aren't making time to help them. I've lost count of how many times I've heard someone say, "I'm ready to do my 4th Step inventory, but my sponsor doesn't have time to meet with me right now. He/she has to put it off for a few weeks/months." I've heard this sort of thing so many times I'm finding it disturbing and I think it's unfair to our newcomers.
Here's my point of view on this: Any A.A. member who agrees to sponsor someone has an obligation and a responsibility to make the proper amount of regular time to help that person through the 12 Steps. We all have jobs, kids, spouses, and family-matters that demand our time. But, if it weren't for the help we've received in A.A., we wouldn't have those jobs, kids, spouses, and families, etc.. If we make an agreement to sponsor someone, we need to keep that agreement by making time to help them work the Steps.
I'd like to hear your point of view. What has been your experience? What are your thoughts? Am I just plain wrong here? Thanks for your input, Mike D.
I can tell something for the last few weeks. I made some kind of mistake, because I was resentful at my sponsor and her sponsor and I hide it. I didn't share, because I decide that this time I will try to "make it" with God, because before I've been resentful at them, too. So it isn't first time. I was starting to separate, because of this. So, we were talking with my sponsor about this, I shared with her whats going on. Now I'm looking for her on the phone, skype, e-mail. I was looking for her yesterday, too. Because I just want to talk with her. It is like an unfinished job and I need help. I am praying that she is okay. I spoke to other alcoholic and she shared that they've heard each other today, yesterday, and almost everyday. So, she is alive, which is important. But ... I dont feel good when I need to talk with her and try several times and she is not there like she is running away from me or hiding. I am the one with the mistake, I am the one that was resentful at her ... I should be running away .. hehehe. I don't blame her, because she is busy, may be. But ... now i need my sponsor the most. If I could do this alone, I would do it and I wouldn't ask for help. But now I need it, no matter that I've been doing the Program for almost a year. But .. now I feel that I'm judging. Oh, God .. sometimes it is really hard. hehe
I try to work on steps with a guy before a meeting at the clubhouse. As a key holder I can do that. I totally agree that you have to make time to work with the person you sponsor. They are people entrusting a very important part of their recovery to you.
I would typically ask the new guy to read the 12 & 12 for the step twice during the week. I ask the new guy to read two of the testimony stories in the back of the big book. That is a good balance of step and personal story exposure. It is a strange new world to the new guy. A half hour before the meeting is good to chat. We would often do lunch after the Saturday morning 10:30 big book study. There were always after meeting group chats at Shoney's or Waffle House.
If someone is playing around I fire them and sponsor someone else willing to do the work. I have had one person that was playing around that I let find another sponsor. He eventually went back out. Didn't work the steps or read, he actually picked up doing meth from some other guy playing around at meetings from the recovery center.
One guy was always needing affirmation from a female, and access to her panties. He did not make it either. Priorities.
Other than those, all others have stayed sober as far as i can tell.
That has been my way. Not perfect but seems to work.
__________________
"I spent a lifetime in hell and it only took me twelve steps to get to heaven."
"Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you."
Hmmm, yes Mike - thanks for the topic. It does seem to be a problem around here too. I had a lot of trouble even finding someone to sponsor me at all. I asked over a dozen people who all said they were "full". The lady I did get to take me through the steps was always putting me off for my 4th step work and telling me to slow down. I ended up firing her and going back to my original sponsor whom I still have today. She is retired and has the time to talk for a couple hours every week and meet with me once per week. I also see her here and there at meetings, and since we are on the board together and key holders, we end up doing most of the setting up for the speaker meeting and the potlucks and such. We are also one of 3 regular females for that club, and so - we do all the cooking and decorating for all the events. It's a fun time to gab. I originally didn't want her to sponsor me because she didn't let me do any of the talking when I needed to talk. I still need to talk, and I still don't get to do any of the talking. I know that if I'm going to call her - I better set aside 2 hours because she will not stop for 2 hrs. I have always used this board to ask questions and 'share' my own stuff. I have learned patience and how to be quiet and listen from my sponsor - and being in the program for so long - she does know a lot and have a lot to say... having someone is better than no one in my opinion. There must be a reason God has brought us together. It also reminds me to let my own sponsee's do some of the searching, and talking while we are chatting. I find myself on the same tangents quite often as my sponsor. I get to think of how to be more balanced because of my sponsors example of not being there yet. I like to guide my sponsee's toward searching for their answers from God (HP) and praying for the knowledge. That is something I learned here - and my sponsor will probably get there some day. It's slim pickin's around here for female sponsors - I'm grateful for this board for that reason, and I seek out and find what I need to because I do have the desire to not drink :)
This weekend I will be the speaker at the club. My sponsee's and I will do a cookie bake together and probably giggle and cackle a lot before hand. I like to do that kind of stuff and enjoy life - and bring treats to the meetings ;) We also sit down weekly after the meeting (again I have this luxury as a key holder) to read literature and work on the step work together. We talk on the phone often, and I do make it a priority to be there when they need me. I let them know ahead of time that I have kids and a family, and that is a priority too. I usually tell them to call me anytime, but I also give them my schedule so they know when I can't be there for them, and then of course, they get the numbers of my sponsor and my other sponsee's so that they always have 'grandma or their recovery sisters' to call. I try to make it a family ordeal, as if we are all family and important in each others lives. I don't take on sponsee's that I wouldn't feel comfortable having in my home because I have to think of my kids and I have been stalked already and followed home. As an adult child of an alcoholic - who can get easily addicted to excitement, I have to be careful I don't get too wrapped up in drama (even on this board) and detach from lots of the crazy making. I get lots of practice letting things go and moving on to where I'm more useful to HP. It's a joy and a blessing!
I usually show the ladies the ropes on service work, and try to remember that as their trusted friend - I will be there by their side until they have grown to not need me at all. Then I will be there as a recovery team mate and we will continue to grow and learn together because we WANT to be. It's fun to see that flip in thinking, and just like with my students in the studio - we are here to make mistakes together and grow from them. Say thank you for them... and continue on. Let it begin with me - as they say in Alanon. I don't need to distract myself from myself by worrying about what everyone else is doing and how they are doing it... as an ACA - I do - but I know in time I'll outgrow it with practice and that HP has me where He needs me today.
Thanks Mike xxxxx
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I can tell something for the last few weeks. I made some kind of mistake, because I was resentful at my sponsor and her sponsor and I hide it. I didn't share, because I decide that this time I will try to "make it" with God, because before I've been resentful at them, too. So it isn't first time. I was starting to separate, because of this. So, we were talking with my sponsor about this, I shared with her whats going on. Now I'm looking for her on the phone, skype, e-mail. I was looking for her yesterday, too. Because I just want to talk with her. It is like an unfinished job and I need help. I am praying that she is okay. I spoke to other alcoholic and she shared that they've heard each other today, yesterday, and almost everyday. So, she is alive, which is important. But ... I dont feel good when I need to talk with her and try several times and she is not there like she is running away from me or hiding. I am the one with the mistake, I am the one that was resentful at her ... I should be running away .. hehehe. I don't blame her, because she is busy, may be. But ... now i need my sponsor the most. If I could do this alone, I would do it and I wouldn't ask for help. But now I need it, no matter that I've been doing the Program for almost a year. But .. now I feel that I'm judging. Oh, God .. sometimes it is really hard. hehe
Can I ask you a question? What step are you working on?
When someone's asking me what step I am working on its like a "OMG, I really don't know". I've finished (whatever it means) my fourth step, shared with my sponsor, continue to take personal inventory everyday, not finished with all amends, because I can't find some of the people and obviously i'm not a saint, yet (I know that I'll never be hehee) because at times I continue to be resentful at someone (which I really don't know anymore if its normal). Every morning - prayers, meditation. Some days I really have difficulties with the first step (usually when I've hidden something), I mean - at times I can accept my alcoholism, but after that its like - I forget everything - about the alcoholism, about life and so on. Its like - What is this Program? I don't know anything about it? My sponsor told me that it will take years - 3-4-5 years the things to be different in my life and to let go some of my old ideas which at times is creepy.
My sponsor believe its too early for me to sponsor someone, but I'm trying to be helpful for the newcomers with what I can - I mean what I can do, i just try to do it.
-- Edited by myownhell on Sunday 8th of December 2013 05:35:52 PM
Its like - What is this Program? I don't know anything about it? My sponsor told me that it will take years - 3-4-5 years the things to be different in my life and to let go some of my old ideas which at times is creepy.
I have to be honest with you here...I don't think you're sponsor is doing you any favors here. I think if mine told me it was going to take that long I would have said...Screw this...I'm going to drink. I also don't like the fact you can't get ahold of her. Have you considered finding someone else?...Telling her what you've said here...? Where you feel you are at...And where you'd like to be? Something is not working...And it sounds like it might be your sponsor.
There was a fellow the other day at a morning meeting sharing about how hard his 3rd year is.
My oldtimer buddy, Jim B., was sitting next to me and said under his breath that year 30 is no cake walk either.
I'm coming up on 25 and know just what he is talking about.
It will take years for notable improvements to come to pass. Ask the oldtimers in your group .. they'll tell you. The compulsion to drink will likely leave you in the first year then we begin to grow up.
There is no cure, only a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition.
As the years go by I find it gets easier and a lot of the fear/anxiety/depression/delusion/blindness etc subside. I get comfortable in my own skin.
AA will comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable.
I'm with the sponsor on this one but I will add 3-4-5 yrs ONE DAY AT A TIME !
How can you be with a sponsor for a year and have no idea what the program is about Bob? Either someone is not teaching...Or someone is not learning.
As the years go by I find it gets easier and a lot of the fear/anxiety/depression/delusion/blindness etc subside. I get comfortable in my own skin.
Maybe I'm different...But I experienced those things in my first year....As promised...Not sure I could have handled a three to five year wait. I know I'll always be learning....But I'd lost the obsession between the three and six month mark. Not sure exactly when...It was just gone....As was the fear, anxiety and depression...Which I was riddled with when I came into AA.
-- Edited by Stepchild on Sunday 8th of December 2013 07:08:23 PM
I see lots of variety in structure. The only step that took more than a month was amends, usually. I was done with step 5 in 6 months. It got to feeling much more normal and real. The freedom of making amends. The riddance of so much baggage in step 5. I can't imagine a slow boat ride of a few years to do the steps.
I still have moments of memories coming back, but they are related to suppressed childhood abuse. Not drinking. But the tools of AA help deal with things.
Being on here makes me wonder if AA is significantly different in different areas. In the southeast, I think it may be more typical to jump on the steps. There are definitely people that don't work the steps, but they are often the ones that are unfortunately picking up white chips. With the real life meetings being what I have grown up with, I am taking that as the norm. Maybe there is a bit of difference between online and face to face recovery people?
I can totally relate to 3 years feeling different, and at 5 years feeling different, and now coming up close to 20, it still feels a little different. Ad I'm glad it does!
I'm glad you are so concerned about your recovery and helping others. Yay You!
__________________
"I spent a lifetime in hell and it only took me twelve steps to get to heaven."
"Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you."
I've lost count of how many times I've heard someone say, "I'm ready to do my 4th Step inventory, but my sponsor doesn't have time to meet with me right now. He/she has to put it off for a few weeks/months." I've heard this sort of thing so many times I'm finding it disturbing and I think it's unfair to our newcomers.
Sorry I got distracted with that other post...Here is my point of view Mike. In all fairness to sponsors out there...I've had 4 sponsees...One was recommended to me by a friend that couldn't take him on...I talked with him on the phone...Gave him a little reading to do and set up a meeting for the next day. He didn't make it...He was in jail. The second one I talked with after a speaker meeting...He asked me to help him...I said I'd be honored to...Set up a meeting with him...He called me the next day and said he wasn't willing to do it...At least he had the honesty to tell me that. One had been coming into the same meeting I went to for about 2 weeks straight...He'd share every time and introduce himself and follow with..."I'm not an alcoholic but..."...Then one day he came in and introduced himself and said..."i'm an alcoholic." I talked to him after the meeting and said...You might have just got the first step. I went out and bought him a Big Book and brought it to the meeting the next day. I handed it to him and he said...I'm not really an alcoholic...I just wanted them to take me seriously. I told him to keep it in case he becomes one. The fourth one talked it all up and I never saw him again.
It's kind of funny for me because I asked an oldtimer speaking in the rehab I briefly attended what I should I look for in a sponsor...He said someone that has had a spiritual awakening as a result of doing the steps...With a sponsor....Someone that talks about the solution in meetings...The steps...As laid out in the book...And someone that has at least five years of continuous sobriety. I put this in God's hands...I only have two and a half. Can I take someone through the steps?....Sure. Has it happened yet? No. I don't go hunting them down...I have faith it will happen in God's time. But I'll be ready.
As far as needing my sponsor to do my fourth step goes...I didn't. I needed him for my fifth step....And for guidance on my ninth step. I sought out a few oldtimers...As well as my sponsor for advice on certain amends...And then I put them in God's hands and did them. I knew the book because it was clear to me they were directions...I thoroughly followed them...I listened to speaker tapes on what step I was working on...I searched AA sites for info on what step I was working on...I'd ask questions in meetings about what step I was working on....I covered every base. Then I'd run it by my sponsor....He would tell me where the answer was...In the book.....They were always there. I couldn't come up with one question pertaining to the steps that book couldn't answer.
So I guess my take on people not working certain steps because their sponsor doesn't have time...doesn't fly with me. What length are you willing to go to? If I was getting blown off to do my fifth step I would have been pissed....That didn't happen. That was beautiful....As was the amends phase. I was amazed before I was halfway through.
What a great post. I could add my own 2 cents, but am just enjoying reading and will wait until I have more experience with the steps myself and just learn from this.
If a sponsor doesn't have time for the critical 4, 5 and 9 work there are two possible reasons. he has not taken those steps, which seems a common problem, or his sponsorship practices with others are too involved and taking up too much time. i.e. advising the sponsees on other areas of their life not connected with AA, like what job to have, what relationship to be in, how to fix the car etc.
To my mind the work of sponsorship has a finite objective which is to enable the newcomer to have his own experience with God. This is accompished by taking the newcomer through the steps with the help of the Big Book and the sponsors own experience.
The workload is not regular or constant. It will be busy at the start, frequent communication, possible support and discussion with the newcomer's family, being a listener to those crises that crop up in the early days, and of course getting underway with those first few steps as rapidly as possible. In my case a lot of time was spent with me around steps 4, 5 and 9, wise counsel and guidence being essential in those areas. Step 9 sometimes involved meeting the sponsor and making a plan for an amends, then meeting him directly after to review how it went. These are critical areas where time ought to be invested, somethimes a considerable amount of time.
My sponsor seemed to be available almost 24 7, and while I was considerate to some degree, it only occured to me much later how selfless he had been.
As time went on and the desire to drink was lifted, my relationship with the God of my understanding was pretty much the focus of all sponsorship activity. I would go to him with some life crisis, he would direct me to God, I would pray and we would discuss the solutions that came from prayer and meditation. Gradually my dependence (time demand) shifted from my sponsor to God, and the day came, after about two years, where he said "Michael, you no longer need a sponsor" and he became my good friend instead. He had taught me to sponsor, so now there were two of us available to sponsor newcomers where before there was only one.
I have not had a formal sponsor for over 30 years and have no need of one. I have trusted friends both in and out of AA to whom I turn when I need to consult about something. Possibly a lot of time is wasted sponsoring people who don't need sponsoring. Bill's writing about emotional sobriety tends to support this. His conclusion was that stability comes from giving (sponsoring) not receiving (being sponsored).
God bless, MikeH.
-- Edited by Fyne Spirit on Sunday 8th of December 2013 10:11:37 PM
How can you be with a sponsor for a year and have no idea what the program is about Bob? Either someone is not teaching...Or someone is not learning.
As the years go by I find it gets easier and a lot of the fear/anxiety/depression/delusion/blindness etc subside. I get comfortable in my own skin.
Maybe I'm different...But I experienced those things in my first year....As promised...Not sure I could have handled a three to five year wait. I know I'll always be learning....But I'd lost the obsession between the three and six month mark. Not sure exactly when...It was just gone....As was the fear, anxiety and depression...Which I was riddled with when I came into AA.
-- Edited by Stepchild on Sunday 8th of December 2013 07:08:23 PM
I can identify very well with myownhell where it was posted "I mean - at times I can accept my alcoholism, but after that its like - I forget everything - about the alcoholism, about life and so on. Its like - What is this Program? I don't know anything about it? My sponsor told me that it will take years - 3-4-5 years the things to be different in my life and to let go some of my old ideas which at times is creepy." I could well have posted the same text repeatedly over the years.
As "The Promises" say "sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly". I know many 'slowly' folks ... many of us fall into the "there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders".
Truth is "It takes as long as it takes" and we certainly have no better place to be than committed to our program.
That's a great post Mike H. Just a quick question...How did your sponsor help you with step four? I guess for myself that's the step I really started relying on God's help more than anything else. I'm just curious if he went through it with you when you were writing?....Mine didn't see my fourth step till I met with him for my fifth.
The mental aspect of the disease may have hit me harder than most, my IQ was about my shoe size. I did not understand the meanings of the words or how they might be applied to me. I had to have everything explained until I could understand. We spent together about 4 hours on a saturday writing the fourth, and on the sunday we spent a similar time on the fifth.
With me, God's help was making me see the need to take a step I could see no possible benefit in doing. I had no conscious idea about God at that point, though I was praying everyday. My prayers, which were childlike and more in the nature of just doing it because it was strongly suggested around AA, seemed to have the effect of changing my attitude. My first conscious feeling about God came after the 5th step, where I experienced what is written in the Big Book p75.
I am aware in the old days, sponsors often wrote the 4th step because the subject was shaking too much. Sometimes, I am told, it was on the back of a business card. From what I can tell my line of sponsorship was quite old school.
I suppose the main thing is I needed help with the 4th, I could never have done it on my own. I meet many newcomers who feel the same way. We even put on 4th step workshops for them these days, because it is so important yet seems to be a stumbling block for many, possibly because it looks like a daunting undertaking.
That's pretty awesome you did it in one day....I spread mine out over a period of 3 weeks....Hourswise...Not much more than you...Probably a total of 15. I was learning to pray myself....But I was getting results....I wasn't drinking. It was beginning of faith for me...The pen was moving...You know?. I also experienced those fifth step promises.....I loved them...
We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.
That was the step I found relief...I needed it bad.
-- Edited by Stepchild on Sunday 8th of December 2013 10:52:38 PM
Hey there Stepchild....thanks for your insightful input on the topic of sponsorship. And, of course, thanks to all the rest of you who joined in with the discussion. Loved it. Thoughtful conversation is what I was hoping for, and it looks like we got it. Good stuff. Hope it continues. Yes, Stepchild, you're right about all the new people we try to help and they don't show up at an appointed time....or, they blow us off in other ways. I've been asked to sponsor guys and I never saw them anywhere again. It's happened to me plenty of times over the years. No big deal for me. That has never bothered me. Nope. Not at all. Here's why. That just tells me that they're not ready to take action yet. I expect that sort of thing from new people. Having once been a newcomer myself, I know how irresponsible and uncommitted a newcomer can be. Again, that's to be expected. However, I do not expect that kind of irresponsibility from those of us who have been sober long enough to be able to make a commitment and stand by it. Newcomers count on us to be there for them....or, at least, we tell them they can count on us. Any one of us who agrees to sponsor a newcomer should be able to be counted on to keep that agreement. New folks need help and want help to work the Steps. But, the fact remains, plenty of our newcomers are still languishing between the Steps because their "sponsor" can't seem to make the time to help them. Feel free to disagree. That doesn't bother me at all. But, making excuses for irresponsibility doesn't fly with me. Well, there you have it. That's my point of view. Peace and blessings, Mike D.
However, I do not expect that kind of irresponsibility from those of us who have been sober long enough to be able to make a commitment and stand by it. Newcomers count on us to be there for them....or, at least, we tell them they can count on us. Any one of us who agrees to sponsor a newcomer should be able to be counted on to keep that agreement. New folks need help and want help to work the Steps. But, the fact remains, plenty of our newcomers are still languishing between the Steps because their "sponsor" can't seem to make the time to help them. Feel free to disagree. That doesn't bother me at all. But, making excuses for irresponsibility doesn't fly with me. Well, there you have it. That's my point of view. Peace and blessings, Mike D.
I couldn't agree more Mike. I think ultimately, it is the "reluctant sponsors' who miss out on what this deal is all about. Just taking yourself and Stepchild as examples, you've both fronted up to those committments and the protoges have not stayed the distance. Today you are sober, they are not. It seems we can try to help others, but whether we suceed or not with an individual is entirely in God's hands. We turn up and do our bit, and our efforts may have little or no effect on the newcomer. But our lives are rocketed. To keep it we must give it away.
Everytime I hear of an oldtimer or someone with a few years up falling, the common thread is they stopped giving it away, they were not working with anyone, even though many were still attending meetings. We can't rest on our laurels, we are headed for trouble if we do.
Mike D, I agree with you completely. When I sponsor someone, I make sure we have a commitment to get together on a specific, regular schedule just one-on-one to go through the steps. Not just a few minutes of chit chat before & after a meeting, not just on the phone or emailing (unless face-to-face is temporarily impossible like when someone is traveling).
At least a full hour, at least once a week. Some sponsees get through the steps pretty darn fast, some may get stuck for a bit until a light bulb goes off, but we stick to our commitment and schedule. And I make sure I don't flake on these commitments. After everything that my sponsors and AA have done for me over the years, it's the least I could do. That's pretty typical of the way sponsors/sponsees work in the places where I have lived throughout my sobriety.
I heard early on this isn't a program for people that need it...It's for people that want it. Since then I've heard it's not a program for people that need it or want it...It's for people that do it. That seems to ring more true for me. Being a sponsor is a committment...I was taught by my sponsor we don't break any AA committments or turn down any AA requests...If possible. It doesn't bother me when people aren't ready...I know how long it took me to become reasonable...And the beating alcohol gave me to get there. If someone is holding a sponsee back for any reason...I find that unacceptable...And good reason to find someone that will take you forward...There is a solution you know?....Doesn't it make sense the sooner we have that the better off we are?
Mike H - thank you for that last post :) I love the part where you say we give it away, and stay sober, the sponsee's are in God's hands. My thoughts around this exactly.
I always think of what Dean says "My program could get you drunk". I like to move sponsee's quickly through the steps. That is how I was taught to do it here. I sometimes forget about grave emotional and mental disorders. I appreciate being reminded here thank you Bob. I was fortunate to not suffer from anything other than alcoholism, but I see others who are suffering from depression and other things or other addictions even... and I don't have experience with that so I leave it to others who do (if possible) again - slim pickins around here and if someone needs help, I give it until we find someone better suited for the job... that of course is something I do and can help with. I don't really know what's best on that actually. Do others agree that people with certain extra addictions or problems are best matched with people similar - or doesn't that not matter at all?
I have one sponsee with anxiety - depression - other addictions and an eating disorder. She gets professional help for most of it, and I introduced her to another lady who is recovered from anorexia to talk to, but can't sponsor her because she's 'full'. This is a lady I've been working with a year and a half who keeps coming back but the longest she's strung together is 5 months. I also can't get her to finish her steps 8-12 and she is on some shot to lessen her cravings, and takes some other stuff for drinking too. Not sure what it is... she takes lots of meds for lots of things... I never know if I should let her get to a whole separate bottom with other stuff or what. It's hard to even focus on AA 1/2 the time because she's so codependent and only wants to talk her husbands issues constantly... to which I do have experience but at this point I know she just needs to stick to one thing at a time which is getting sober and getting her step work done. She's always wanting to jump ahead to other 'addictions' like her control issues and coda stuff and things she could work out in other programs, but I know from experience that this stuff has to come WELL AFTER we get the AA thing down - my sponsor told me to wait one year. I waited one year exactly and LEAPED through the door to the other rooms on that day - to which yes - outside issue and she's not even close to ready for all that! First things first!!! Can't get her to see that, and then I wonder how much is really in my control if she's not willing and remaining teachable anyway. My sponsor said what I should do and I did it! She had control because I was sick and tired of being sick and tired and willing to do ANYTHING! This woman I'm sponsoring has been through all 4 stages - she has seizures and DT's with her detoxing - I never got that far either. STILL she goes back. Maybe it's a whole other stage of alcoholism that I have no experience with and that is the reason I can't help her? What do you guys think?
My sponsor told me to let her go... but to who? She's used most people up. Another thing I remember Dean saying is "I try extra hard with Mom's with young kids". So I do find myself not leaving her out of some sort of living amends to my inner child - and the child of the alcoholic I am.
It's a lot to sort out. Most days I just turn it over because I know God could and would if He were sought - and I can't seek Him for her. She tells me she gets more out of church than AA. I don't have that going on either. No experience with that. I don't know what's best - anyone else have idea's?
Sometimes I wonder if it's just not her time. She was sober 18 yrs and relapsed. Back to drinking around 7... sobered up in AA then did it on her own for that whole time really young. Any suggestions would be helpful - she's in a slip right now again.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Sounds like she has some amends she doesn't want to attend to JAD...I've seen people get stuck there before. Talk to her about it...Go through the directions in the book with her. There is a reason those promises come after step 9. If she's not willing to move forward with it...Then we find someone that is.
Hi Justadrunk! Great to hear from you Tasha. Wow...didn't this topic of sponsorship stir up a lot of stimulating discussion!?!? I very much like and agree with everything you've said, and I hear you loud and clear. Over the years, I've sponsored a good number of men who were just your basic garden-variety addicts/alcoholics who seemed to have all the normal crazy stuff that the average alcoholic usually has going on. Oh sure...they pose their own challenges and problems from time to time, but we always get through those things and they get through the Steps. If they say that they're ready to take the actions, and I see willingness, I methodically take them through the Steps...one Step at a time. I don't believe in wasting time. Comparatively speaking, those guys are pretty easy to work with.
However, I'd also have to say that the majority of guys I've sponsored are men who would fall into the...special needs bracket. These are the guys with all sorts of strange side-issues and difficult troubling situations that appears to have them pretty well stuck. As soon as they arrive at my house and sit down in their chair....we PRAY together out loud. Of course, I do this with every sponsoree anyway, but I especially bring God into the room when dealing with my special needs guys. It never fails to calm them down and help them listen, concentrate, and sort out their thoughts. But, one particular thing that almost always happens when we're talking and reading from the Big Book is that, because of all these crazy side-issues they have going in their minds, they usually want to change the subject. They want to talk about their issue-of-the-day instead of the Step we're trying to work. I don't let them do that....it's non-productive and it wastes their time. As a sponsor, I know that, if they let themselves get side-tracked, they'll never get through the Steps and they'll never get well. My job, as a sponsor, is to keep them focused on the Step they're working. The Steps are where the healing happens. My experience is that no person is ever as simple as they seem...and, no person is ever as complicated as they seem. It's exactly the same with all the different issues and special problems that people have. When I deal directly with their alcoholism by working them through the Steps, all these weird side-issues seem to disappear for them....or, get taken care of in the process. If and when I run across something that needs psychological treatment, I encourage them and help them to seek it. As a powerless alcoholic, I'm well aware that I'm a powerless sponsor. As a powerless sponsor, I also know that nearly every recovering person is experiencing something like a "civil war" inside themselves. There is that part of them that really wants to get well....and there is also the part of them that wants to stay sick. My hope is that I can help make the part of them that wants to get well a whole lot bigger and stronger....or, at least, give it a fighting chance. When I see it happen...that brings me joy...and I thank God for His awesome help. There's lots more to say on this, but my wife needs the computer. LOL. ;) (((hugs))) Always love hearing from you. Blessings, Mike D.
I agree with you 100% Mike D. But not only does a sponsor have an obligation about step work, a sponsor has an obligation to Alcoholics Anonymous about teaching the sponsee about 12 step work and service. Not only did my sponsor take me on 12 Step calls from the beginning, he got me involved in Intergroup, took me to Area meetings. Stressed the importance of taking institutional commitments to detox's, prisons, and rehabs. He stressed the importance of having a Home Group, and taking a service position in that group. A great guide to what a sponsor's responsibilities is the pamphlet, Questions and Answers on sponsorship.
