Unrealistic Expectations

DebbieB · Newbie

Unrealistic Expectations

myownhell · Veteran Member

I have other alcoholic in my family, too. Its difficult and strange.

In my experience, I just didn't talk with him much, because both of us hated each other.
I saw in me, that it wasn't only expectations. I just had one view of what must be my father, and my father was nothing i wanted him to be, so in past i just wanted he and my mom to divorce and to see him never again - to disappear from my life - to die. I just didn't want to have the father i had.
I was praying a lot, after that, when I started to see my alcoholism, my hate, my expectations, my anger, and to see that I want to kill him all the time I saw that it was all about fear. Its only fear and its always fear. With me ... in me.
So .. when I made my 4th step, I realize that he is driven by fear, too like me. And when he is driven and when i am driven ... its a mess. But when i start to pray for him, and when i realize that i can't change him - he has his God, with his experience, with his things and so on .. its not so scary. Not its even fun.
He is only a child, too. Now, when I can see my alcoholism, I am not so cruel with him. Now, we are helping each other and i love it.

DebbieB · Newbie

Thank you so much. After reading your response, I now realize it's fear too. Crap! LOL It's simple, not easy... right? wink

Zoomtopz · MIP Old Timer

Onya Debbie , welcome to MiP & done Great on Your 89 days .

You might consider this - What , We see in others Is a Mirroring of ourSelf .

I believe early in sobriety , we only get to see things of ourSelf , in hindsight .

And we don't usually see what others see in us , so do you think a mirror effect is in

effect here , you are expecting Too much of yourself , so you expect it of others .

Accepting , I believe , yes to Accept things as things are , does not mean you have to like it .

I learnt this little exercise for Me in early sobriety -

"So what , you have got over this & worse things before getting sober , get over this . And , Rick ,

stop taking yourself so seriously . Get over it & get On with it" .

myownhell · Veteran Member

You might consider this - What , We see in others Is a Mirroring of ourSelf .

Amazing right. I still remember, when I was sharing with my sponsor things about my father - I hated him so much - he was so selfish, he didn't think about others, he didn't think about his family, he thought only about himself, he was sooooo ... blah. The worst father. Hahaha and she told me - So, he is these things, and you are an angel? And I was shocked, because it was the moment, when I felt that he is me - what am I, with all my pain, anger, hate, so fatal "loves" and so on - he is me with the same things. It was amazing. And I was scared, because when he is not the person i wanted him to be, something in me was affected - self-esteem, emotional security, the things with money, personal relationships - because when i was with him i felt shame. After that I saw that there were affected and sex relationships, too. Months later I understood that sex relations in BB are not about sex. Its about my relationships with men at all, because I used to put them on pedestal and so on. Fear from rejection, fear that all will understood how stupid i am, fear that someone will laugh at me and so on and other fears, too. But these 12 steps are really adventure and it is amazing.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

I snapped at everything in early sobriety....I was mad at the world....I needed that solution. I think this makes sense....

Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.

pg 62

What do they say about expectations?....That they are resentments under construction. I had to make an honest effort to work on lowering mine. Still do.

Welcome to MIP Debbie.

betterthanyesterday52 · MIP Old Timer

I get hurt and upset at times by others too.I have started to pray to my HP to help me get it off my mind, because things usually eat at me until I have wormholes in my mind!

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Welcome!

tomsteve · Senior Member

steps 1-12.

also, the story doctor,alcoholic,addic( or acceptance was the answer in the 4th edition) has some great advise.
www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_theystoppedintime16.pdf

down on pg 417 and on. great advise.

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Great honest humble thread for me and of course I've been there and done that even including the awarenesses and chances which have been mentioned here. "Unrealistic" expectations seemed to be the only kind I had back then an my 4step process showed me that the problem was attached to my tap root condition "EGO" ...I had the right and the ability to expect beyond and always came up lacking and unfulfilled. That moved me over to anger, drama, trauma and tantrums.

I also did a 4th step on my emotions and the tap root emotion for me was also fear. I was beyond grateful to learn from my sponsor that the evidence that drove and supported my fear was false and that my mind manufactured the pictures I reacted to. False Evidence Appearing Real. I keep my mind managed in part with the question "Could I be wrong" about.... and have never ever been able to answer that question with a "no". I was tempted the first time and then dropped it cause my sponsor was just too alert and ready.

Standing by and listening for more responses. (((hugs))) smile

RubyTues · MIP Old Timer

Welcome, Debbie!

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Welcome to MIP Debbie, ... glad you're here ... and thanks for sharing ...

DebbieB · Newbie

Thank you all so very much. I'm feeling much better today. Took it to my HP and talked it out with my sponsor. Thank you so much for all of your advice. And you're all right... It was a mirror effect. Hard to look at, but an opportunity for me to grow.

betterthanyesterday52 · MIP Old Timer

Glad you are feeling better Debbie and sounds like you turned something which was bothering you into a growth experience and that is a good thing. And you didn't drink over it, and that is a better thing.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Ya know, Expectations are nothing more than future resentments ... ... ... they can be a form of our desire to 'control' everything ...

John · Admin

DebbieB wrote:
Today I became frustrated and disappointed in a family member.

Frustrated and disappointed in... wow.. at 89 days sober you are doing great!! Owning our feelings, instead of running to bottle to get away from them is growth! I remember when my definition of being frustrated and disappointed was converted into homicidal thoughts about them! LOL

You are on the right path.. let go, let God, and try to pray something good for those you feel ill about. As time goes by... I had to take people off the highway in my mind, because I stopped wanting them to get run over! :)

John

betterthanyesterday52 · MIP Old Timer

"You are on the right path.. let go, let God, and try to pray something good for those you feel ill about. As time goes by... I had to take people off the highway in my mind, because I stopped wanting them to get run over!"
LOL...John, and wonderful way to deal with those who seem like they go out of their way to get under our skin.

Mike D · MIP Old Timer

When I was 80-some days sober I was totally focused on my feelings from one minute to the next. It was all about me and my feelings feelings feelings all day long, 24-7. However, once I began the fact-finding and fact-facing process of my 4th Step inventory, that changed everything for me. I started focusing on facts rather than feelings. My feelings never told me the truth anyway. The facts did. Don't worry, it'll get better as you take action. Thanks for letting me share. Blessings, Mike D.