My mouth was never ending fountain "little white lies" about where I was going, what I was doing, who I was doing it with. I feel a lot of shame about it now but at the time it felt so normal. In my mind if want to go on a bender you concoct a story about a business trip and go stay in a seedy hotel for a few days. It's just what people do right? No...no it isn't what people do...not anyone who is well in the head. I looked at my loving trusting wife across the dinner table tonight and I felt like bursting into tears. That example is just one of my reoccurring special occasion lies. There were hundreds more just like it and thousands of the everyday run of the mill type lies. Sometimes I feel like the guilt is eating me up from the inside out.
You just gave a description of me and part of my experience there BF ... ... ... I thought I'd never be able to unload the guilt ... but the AA steps did just that, felt light as a feather after my 5th step ...
One thing my sponsor told me is that the first thing I had to do is get honest with myself, then all else would start falling into place ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Yes - I knew this guy who got banned on the board and then tried to come back and tell everyone 'he just found it' using and hiding under a new username. I felt really sad for him, that he was still lying.
When we are dishonest with people, we are hurting ourselves even worse than the others. We are not treating ourselves in a way that create health and happiness and self respect within. We might feel smooth as butter for a while - but pretty soon we realize we are just giving ourselves the finger again - and there is nothing to do them but... drink it away again... and again... and again...
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I think it is good that you are opening up and admitting you have had a problem with it. The guilt is probably your conscious letting you know that is not who you really are. We all tell little white lies. I have caught myself do it to keep from hurting someone else's feelings if they ask me if I like something they are wearing, or agree with them about a certain matter and I don't want to deal with a confrontation, which has happened in the past when I was honest with myself and them. And the lies I told when I was an active drinker--I won't even go there and they weren't what I would consider to be "little white" ones. I have felt quite a bit of guilt over those. I could continue to feel it, but I asked my HP to forgive me and asked forgiveness to ones who I have been able to. I have let the guilt go as much as possible as I cannot undo anything I said in the past--it's already been done. But I can continue to work the steps and make my amends to those I have harmed in any way.
It sounds like you are really aware of it now and are wanting to change which is a part of sobriety--discovering and admitting our character flaws so we can make changes in our lives. Try and let go of the guilt, ok?
Great Post, Butterfinger!
I don't have the slightest idea what you're talking about justadrunk but if I had to guess I'd say that maybe this guy you speak of felt really bad about how he'd behaved and wanted to come back and start fresh. Maybe his not being 100% honest wasn't meant to hurt anyone but because he missed you all and just wanted to be friends. It's still lying I guess but hey, what do I know...I'm not a mind reader.
The foundation of our disease of alcoholism is dishonesty and deception. One of the most significant things that was revealed in my 4th Step and 5th Step was what a fraud I was. Thanks for telling my story. Blessings, Mike D.
Tipsy never snapped of on me and said I had a community college education....It can't be the same person lol. Hey, I like tipsyfingers anyhow. He is funny and has a particular pattern of thinking and behaving that I recognize and identify with (that being alcoholic thinking).
Butterfingers - just work on your most glaring character defects first then the subtle ones will follow. Hopefully you find a sponsor and get this all done via some serious step work. You can do it!
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
If that were true you wouldn't have any reason to say things like "Sometimes I feel like the guilt is eating me up from the inside out", would you?
When we get sober and the fog starts to lift, we become aware of how we have harmed ourselves and others, and it can feel awful. And without alcohol to help us keep ignoring those facts and how they make us feel about ourselves, this condition becomes intolerable. Unless we take certain steps to address the situation, we drink again in an attempt to get some kind of relief.
There are 12 of those steps that address this situation. They are the difference between uncomfortable white-knuckle abstinence, and true recovery from alcoholism. They are the difference between simply trying to endure the guilt of our past, and actually setting things right so we "do not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it".
-- Edited by davep12and12 on Sunday 24th of November 2013 05:22:28 PM
Whatever pattern you think takes you out or the ones most harmful to you and others. I don't know what those are for you BF. I was not trying to take your inventory. Just trying to suggest first things first.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
The only baiting I see going on has been from you. Perhaps you should just stick to worrying about yourself and be less concerned with others. Nobody forces you to read my threads and you certainly aren't required to partcipate in them. So if you have nothing of value to add do everyone a favour refrain from posting in them.
AH - you can't MAKE anyone feel anything. They always have a choice in the matter. You didn't cause it - you can't control it - and you can't cure it. The 3 c's apply here.
Alco - when dealing with alcoholics who are particularly deep into the disease, I find it helpful to read the courage to change meditations from alanon.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
If that were true you wouldn't have any reason to say things like "Sometimes I feel like the guilt is eating me up from the inside out", would you?
When we get sober and the fog starts to lift, we become aware of how we have harmed ourselves and others, and it can feel awful. And without alcohol to help us keep ignoring those facts and how they make us feel about ourselves, this condition becomes intolerable. Unless we take certain steps to address the situation, we drink again in an attempt to get some kind of relief.
There are 12 of those steps that address this situation. They are the difference between uncomfortable white-knuckle abstinence, and true recovery from alcoholism. They are the difference between simply trying to endure the guilt of our past, and actually setting things right so we "do not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it".
-- Edited by davep12and12 on Sunday 24th of November 2013 05:22:28 PM
That's a great post Dave....Having quit once on my own....I made it about 9 months...As an ultimatum from the ex wife. I was so fricken miserable...It was intolerable....She urged me to start drinking again. I did. She left. I needed six more years of repetitive ass whippings to finally get this thing.
Guilt is a difficult state to be in. Some of us have a much easier time dealing with resentments than dealing with guilt. What is it that makes it easier for us to forgive other people but so hard to forgive ourselves?
Guilt is a difficult state to be in. Some of us have a much easier time dealing with resentments than dealing with guilt. What is it that makes it easier for us to forgive other people but so hard to forgive ourselves?
Boy, you said a mouthful there Alco ... ... ... I had a HUGE problem with this one ... ... ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
