Have been lurking for a while, viewing the posts, attending meetings and just thought I would check in and give all an update.
Things on the homefront seem to be getting a little better. Though we are separated right now, the wife has asked me to call her once a day just so that she can hear my voice and have some piece of mind that I truly am doing what I say I am doing (another good form of accountability? I think so but I don't think that she realizes it lol). So far so good. Not talking about anything deep right now......just getting to know one another again. We have been separated for a little over a year, but there 'might' be some hope on the horizon. Just not asking for anything right now and not trying to do too much. We will be having lunch today......
Just keep me in your prayers. Keep praying that I stay on the path that I am on and continue to work on my recovery without getting in over my head trying to save my marriage. If my God wants the marriage to be saved.......he will do it!!
Prayers that things turn out exactly as they should ... and that we see. accept and be grateful.
One of Abraham Lincoln's generals asked Lincoln if he thought that God was on their side......
Lincoln replied that it was more pertinent to ask if they were on God's side because God is always right.
In alanon - they would say that you're keeping her from her own bottom. If you want her to heal - she's going to need to do it for HER - on her own, not with the 'help' of you allowing her to control you. She will need to learn to let go of control issues. It's the same thing in reverse for us. We can't do it for THEM, with the help of them making sure we do the deal all the time - blow into this, take this pill, do xy&z to be worthy. Nope - we have to find a way to do it for us and for our HP and because we truly have the desire to be a different and new person than what we were. When we get to do it alone - we get to feel the self esteem that we were so lacking. Self worth, self respect, self love - all the good stuff we need to have so we can give love in a relationship. Support is about letting people be responsible for their own feelings, reactions, fears, expectations or learning how to develop a lack their of etc etc.
At this point now you are rescuing her.
Once she no longer NEEDS you to call, and just WANTS you to call - and you no longer NEED to call her, and just want to - you guys might have a fighting chance at a healthy union. Until then, it could be that you're setting yourself up for another round of trouble. But that is just my experience since I've done it both ways now. Take what you like and leave the rest.
My husband came home from an alanon meeting the other night and discovered this concept in this wording:
When you 'hope' for someone - you are just wishing that person well and if things don't go the way you hope - you are not devastated.
When you 'expect' something from someone - you are going to be setting yourself up to be devastated or disappointed or whatever.
You can tell where she's coming from easily if she 'expects' you to call - or if she just 'hopes' you do... ultimately just wanting the best for everyone no matter if you do it or not.
I hope things turn out the way you're expecting ;) xxxxoxoxoxxoxoxoxo
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
In alanon - they would say that you're keeping her from her own bottom. If you want her to heal - she's going to need to do it for HER - on her own, not with the 'help' of you allowing her to control you. She will need to learn to let go of control issues. It's the same thing in reverse for us. We can't do it for THEM, with the help of them making sure we do the deal all the time - blow into this, take this pill, do xy&z to be worthy. Nope - we have to find a way to do it for us and for our HP and because we truly have the desire to be a different and new person than what we were. When we get to do it alone - we get to feel the self esteem that we were so lacking. Self worth, self respect, self love - all the good stuff we need to have so we can give love in a relationship. Support is about letting people be responsible for their own feelings, reactions, fears, expectations or learning how to develop a lack their of etc etc.
At this point now you are rescuing her.
Once she no longer NEEDS you to call, and just WANTS you to call - and you no longer NEED to call her, and just want to - you guys might have a fighting chance at a healthy union. Until then, it could be that you're setting yourself up for another round of trouble. But that is just my experience since I've done it both ways now. Take what you like and leave the rest.
My husband came home from an alanon meeting the other night and discovered this concept in this wording:
When you 'hope' for someone - you are just wishing that person well and if things don't go the way you hope - you are not devastated. When you 'expect' something from someone - you are going to be setting yourself up to be devastated or disappointed or whatever.
You can tell where she's coming from easily if she 'expects' you to call - or if she just 'hopes' you do... ultimately just wanting the best for everyone no matter if you do it or not.
I hope things turn out the way you're expecting ;) xxxxoxoxoxxoxoxoxo
Very good point. Never thought of it that way. Maybe I just need to call when I want to call......NOT when she wants me to call. I know the truth. I KNOW the program that I am working is working!! Truthfully, she has always been the dominant one in our relationship. Maybe I just need to back off a bit and slow down. God has a plan. I know that. Can't force the issue if its not his will. Thanks for the post. Something to think about...............
Standing I know where Tasha is coming from because that is my experience also. Alcoholism touches all it comes into contact with; the drinker and the drinker's family, friends and associates. The body reacts abnormally to the chemical and everyone reacts abnormally to the body...we all go crazy. The last word of the 2nd step is Sanity...and we rely upon a power greater than our selves to bring us to that which it first separates us from our addictive relationship with the chemical alcohol and then with that gone we can work on the other damaged parts including our relationships and marriages and then since my family and spouses were also affected they need to make changes also to arrived at a more healthy life...cunning, powerful and baffling; this disease is.
You get the prayers and you get to keep coming back and remaining in your program because it all put together assures you of a life much better than the one that got destroyed. Your wife will need a higher degree of understanding what this disease is and is all about and about the Higher Power greater than her own self will. Will pray for that also. Stay close to your sponsor and your fellowship and MIP because that is your source of understanding....we have been there and have done that.
Lunch?? Went off without a hitch :). Nothing serious was discussed, just spent time together. She did tell me that with everything else going on in her life, she HAS been attending Al-anon meetings............she looked me square in the eyes and said 'I am starting to understand'........baby steps right now. One day at a time. Thanks for the prayers......
WOW ST AND Tasha ... what a great dialog ... Tasha, YOU, my dear, have graduated to a whole 'nother level of recovery ... you're making me cry tears of joy over the maturity that I've seen in you from this time last year .... all I can really say is 'WOW' ... Way to go ... both of you guys ... Great stuff here!!!
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Hello to all of you who have posted on this topic. Hope you won't mind if I join in and share how things went in our marriage before recovery and in the early stages. During the early years of our marriage, my wife never complained or even mentioned how much I drank, or that I was drunk most of the time. Not sure why. Maybe it's because I was never belligerent or violent or created any household drama...I was just tanked all the time. She used to buy my whiskey, drop me off and pick me up from the bar, and bring me shots of whiskey when I was in the bathtub. (I couldn't drink in the shower, you know.) All of this with a sort of detatched smile on her face. It went on like that for years. Then the night finally came when I was so depressed and in so much drunken pain that I asked her if she would please take me to the local treatment hospital. After she'd called the hospital and made the arrangements for me to be admitted on the phone, she told me that she was ready for me to get dressed and get in the car. "They're ready for you", she said with a smile. As we walked outdoors toward the car, I stopped to ask her, "Hold on...do you think we should wait until tomorrow and make sure our insurance will cover this??" Her immediate reply was, "No Mike! Shut the hell up and get in the f*****g car!!!" I noticed that she wasn't smiling anymore, so I just got in the car. The next day was my first day of sobriety. I found out later that she'd been attending Al-Anon meetings for quite a while. Whodathunkit! I believe that A.A. saves us alcoholics from death. But, I also believe that Al-Anon saves our marriages. Thanks for letting me share this......Blessings, Mike D.
That's some powerful post, Mike D. Good for her for attending Al-Anon and trying to help herself. Good for you for attending AA and helping yourself. And good for both of you for saving yourselves as well as your marriage.
Done! Just keep in mind that relationships are "one day at a time" also. Even though she is your wife, don't get caught up in that "forever and ever" BS. That what ****s us up with relationships.
Just be grateful for each day that the person is sharing their day with you and make the most of it. It's all that you have.
