I am writing this almost reluctantly, but her goes.
When I joined MIP, I talked a lot about how difficult it was to lose a llitle friend of mine, Annie, my Kitty of 15+ years. I talked about it a lot, cryed a lot, prayed and prayed about her.
Then I began to feel some relief from the excuiating pain I felt when i lost her suddenly to a terrible disease, that came on suddenly, and it was recommended to me that it would be best to put her to sleep, she was in the Docs opinion, one of the sickest cats he had seen. So with only giving myself 40 hours to digest this info. I did that, took her in, and held her as she went off to sleep, forever.
I think back now to how I found her in this breeders house, 4 months old, and it was Major Love at first sight. I adored her, and she was my little Recovery Kitty, she came into my life in my first year in Recovery. And was a constant source of Joy and Comfort thoughtout my years in Recovery.
Well last month when I joined MIP, and found all the love and support and met some of the wonderful people that I now stay in touch with, my thinking was something like this. I felt that God had led me to a source of comfort. and I thanked Him, it made the Grief I was carrying around with me almost bearable.
Then last week, out of the Blue, it started with thinking about her a lot 24/7 and I was back there, as if it had been only yesterday. Started feeling this unconsolable grief, and trying to deal with her loss again. I have been asking God to give me the courage to move forward, she was a family member, she lived with me, and I really never developed any other Relationships with men after that. (They all end up so painful and dead end- I made a decision a long time ago to let go of trying in that area, just gave up.)
So maybe the reason I am having this Major Relapse in griefing for her, and the fact that I can never again see her, that little constant adorable and loving little creature, is more difficult than any other losses I have been through, I lost my sister to a horrible brain injury, that left her with an athophied brain before it took her life. That was hard, but it was over a period of 7 years, and when she died, it was very final, made me sad for her that her viable life ended so abuptly 7 years ago. And I lost my youngest son to a Ravaging Mental Illness, that left him alive, but took his life in a different direction ,straight down the toilet, when he had his whole life in front of him, he is still living and actually is starting to get better slowly, but is in a State Prison, Medical facility for something that happenend 6 years ago, because he refused to get help, added major drugs to the picture, and a Real tragedy occurred, before he got the help he needed. So he will not get a chance to start his live over, now being treated, for another 10 years.
So I do understand loss, and I know what it means to keep Praying to God that you can hold on to your sanity through some really tough times.
But, what I don't understand is how the loss of my little darling, seems to me now to be the most profound loss I have ever gone thru.
I watched a television show many years ago, about people losing older beloved animals, and in the Program it said many people will experience that loss more deeply than that of another human loss. That's seem to be the case for me.
I know I feel safe here talking about this, but anywhere outside this program, people would say some pretty unkind things about someone suffering this much "Over a Cat", I'm sure you know what I am talking about. Even my immediate neighbors, didn't even acknowledge that I had a right to feel anything much. Well she was an old cat, and cats don't have a log lives, etc,
F--- Them. I even think some of you on the Board might be saying to yourself, Toni, get on with it. your life.
I might edit this whole thing off, but may not because I need to get it out and that's what this board is for. i have not felt like drinking over it, I just feel so stuck in where I am at.
I read in one of my favorite little books this morning "Blessed are they that mourne, they shall be comforted" From the Beatitudes, in Prayers of the Cosmos. I will stay with that thought and will continue to believe that. I do Trust God, and I love God with all my Heart, and I do believe that everything will get better. Then I think of Patience, oh yeah, that thing that always stumps me the most.
Just had to get this out of me today, and face the reality of her never coming back, and I'll never see her again. Those are real facts that I am having a real hard time with, I mean a Real Hard time With.
Love to all, and to anyone that finished reading this long (Whatever you call it) Thank you.
Toni, sweetie. I am sooo sorry you are feeling this pain again. I know how it is, I lost my pup a few years back, and sometimes, even now, I can get sad over that loss.
This is what I believe and although it doesn't make the pain stop, it does comfort me. This is MY PERSONAL belief;
In order for us to keep from becoming too attached to this earth, God allows us to feel hurt, and discontent in life, longings that will never be fulfilled on this side of eternity. We're not completely happy here, because we're not supposed to be. We're only passing thru.
Feel what you're feeling. I was told by the folks here grief comes in 5 (?) stages, wish I could find that paragraph. Somebody, post it.
Anyway, you're in my prayers. And I love you.
__________________
* We eventually realize that just as the pains of alcoholism had to come before sobriety, emotional turmoil comes before serenity. *
toni, i rescue labrador retrievers....i have 3 "pound puppies" living with me now!! they are keepers, i wont' THINK of placing them...one is 11, the other two are 7 and going on 5.....
i rescue them, place them, some i keep, i nver have less than 3 "keepers" and the "keepers" are with me for life...
i had an old lab i finally had to put down cuz his hips were so bad, and i STILL grieve over that great lab...he was the only "mixer" i had but like U it was love at first sight when i got him..he was a baby, unwanted, and i gave the lady $40 for him and i had a friend for 9 years till his pain was so bad, i had to "send him home"
the night B4 i put him to sleep, i had this BIG party for him.....i got all his doggie friends that he knew and i had gone to the market, and got all kinds of bones/ stew meat, the works....even pizza..with tons of cheese...
well the "party guests" had a blast!!! they ate till they were ready to pop, played with toys that i had bought for the "send off" and "bob" the party boy loved it
next day i took him in and handed him over to the vet....i didn't watch him die becuz i just couldn't do it......i drove home in a daze......had the diahrea for 2 weeks, and cried for i don't know how long
the pain was horrible, but i would go through it again in a heartbeat becuz the love i got was worth all the pain...
soon, within a couple of years perhaps, i'll have to give "zoe" my eleven yr. old yellow female who is my lil buddy....shes been with me all her life.....and she is a "one man dog" i can't even go to the toilet w/out her and teh others following me.
but one day i know i'll have to "take care of her" i'll cry...i'll have ibs for 2 weeks or so.....i'll want to lie down and turn my heart inside out to shake off the pain.....but i wouldn't have it any other way.....
these creatures give me more love than i'll ever deserve from them.....they don't care if i come home with toys / treats or not....they watch me go through my grief anger cycles and suppport me 24/7 NO exceptions...i don't have to do anything to receive their affection/ loyalty....all of them would tear someone apart if they threatened me.....their love is the truest and purest kind of unconditional love......they are "all over me" when i come home.....they have loved me through my recovery....they are my best friends.....as long as i can walk, i'll be "surfing the pounds" to rescue as many labrador retriever dogs as i can.....i help german shepherds too!!! there is NOTHING that gives me a "rush" like saving somebody from being "put down" and being able to place them in a loving home......
so i KNOW how U feel....been there---done that!!!!!
people who deride or don't understand the deep love between a human and his/her pets do not have a heart...and they are NOT in my life.....anyone who doesn't TREASURE animals and children , i stay away from...there has to be something wrong w/folks who aren't in awe of their true lovliness......to be honest??? i sometimes think i love my "critters" more than people......NO critter ever caused me to need a life time of recovery.....no critter ever betrayed me/ turned on me....i could go on and on as to why i trust/ feel comfortable around animals more than i do people..........YES, i adore them...i dated a guy who didn't like my dogs, and did NOT want them in the house......i dumped him!!! my "girls" sleep in my house, on thier own rugs next to my bed...i almost trip over them in the night when i have to go to the bathroom, but thats ok...
i also rescued 3 homeless chickens who thank me with the nicest brown eggs i ever tasted...
i rescued 2 tortoise shell kitties, who keep the mice away...
i also rescued 2 lovely black and white rats-- they are so loveable and cuddly.....they are in a "cat safe" cage, and i play with them regularly.....and oh yes, 4 garage sale parakeets, and 1 garage sale cockatiel......
U cry and grieve all U need to.....U are NOT alone............peace and light/ rosie
Toni, You are in my thoughts and prayers. You talk about it, grieve all you need too...this is the right place to share your feelings.I cat sit for a friend when she goes out of town...they are her babies and each one has his or her own unique personality. They are like humans.Thanks for trusting us enough to share how you are feeling.
Do you have any other little companion(s) who are sharing your life right now? It can be difficult at first, but it is good to find a new kitty or puppy to care for/share your space with.
You may feel that you don't want to go through that pain again, and/or that it is somehow a betrayal to your feelings for the little friend you just lost. Those are normal feelings, but, trust me when I say from experience, God gave you a big heart so you would have enough room to love, hurt, and love again.
My wife and I had to make the decision to let a male siamese go that we had for 20 years. She didn't have the strength, so I was the one who had to hold him and pet him to soothe him as the vet administered the euthanasia. We both knew grief that comes with losing a companion that grew up with our children, and was still there for some years after the youngest was off to college.
We now have a 2 year old female Siamese(Meiko) and a year old, yellow and white tabby(Molly) who do crazy things, and chase each other around the house. We also have Ming's picture on our hutch, and occasionally reminisce(with a little twinge) all the funny, crazy Siamese cat things he did.
Hello Toni, i am a new member and dont really know how I can talk to other recoverying alcoholis maybe you can give me some advice about using this email service. I have two children aged 3 and 2 and I would lke to talk to other mothers. I find the site confusing as I would like to read the latest messages but dont seem to be able to find any posted in 2006. Maybe you could reply to me to let me know how best to use this site. thank you Trudi.
