The clown is down.

robbie0330 · Veteran Member

The clown is down.

Mr_David · MIP Old Timer

I'm not going to have a "good laugh" at anyone's expense: That would be downright disturbing not to mention unethical.

Now as far as sobriety goes, well, there's nothing simple about staying sober, at least not from my experience. There will always be some unforeseen danger just waiting to trip us up. The truth is, beyond every barrier is a greater reward, and one that will guarantee us some kind of victory. Whether we can see that beyond the first few obstacles is still a mystery.

My suggestion, get back on track, and start again with what you do know. That way we can take the next "steps" toward freedom.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Evil can ONLY exist when God Is NOT present ...

We've discussed here many, many times how to invite God (one of your understanding) into your heart ... without that, Evil will be your constant companion ...

-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Wednesday 30th of October 2013 12:41:10 PM

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

I repeat what I posted on the 'dog' thread ...

Hey Robbie, ... 1st ... you have to admit to yourself that your life has become unmanageable, that, by yourself, YOU have no control over alcohol (or drugs) ... ... ...

You are trying to escape 'reality' ... fact is ... NONE of us can ... face the truth Robbie ... Today, right now is the time to act ... get to a meeting, read the BB, get some phone #'s, and for God's sake ... just don't drink today ... ONE DAY ... forget about tomorrow, just do it today ... carry some candy in your pocket to help with the cravings ...

The biggest thing I had to overcome ??? ... was listening to King Alcohol in my head ... he did his best to convince me I couldn't stop ... he was wrong ... you too, have another voice in your head that you've tried to gag ... pull the gag out of the other voice and put in the mouth of King Alcohol ... You're listening to the wrong voice ... CHANGE your 'THINKING' ...

2granddaughters · Senior Member

robbie, it is all there in How It Works. AA isn't for those that need it, nor those that want it ... it's for those that do it. And we don't do it by ourselves.

All the best to you. Bob R.

How it works

RARELY HAVE we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided that you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it - then you are ready to take certain steps.

At some of these we balked. We thought that we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

Remember that we deal with alcohol - cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power - that One is God. May you find him now.

Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.
Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Many of us exclaimed, "What an order! I can't go through with it." Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we were willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.

Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:

(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.

(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.

(c) That God could and would if He were sought.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

robbie0330 wrote:
you been there.

We've been there..."been" being the key word. Keep fighting it Robbie...Fight...Fight...Fight....When you finally have to admit your ass is beat....Maybe you'll give up....And do what we did not to be there anymore. It's a pretty simple choice....Keep doing what you're doing....You'll keep getting what you're getting...Nothing changes...If nothing changes.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

The guys that came up with this solution wrote this book of directions 75 years ago..

Looks like this hasn't changed much.

Many of us have been so touchy that even casual reference to spiritual things made us bristle with antagonism. This sort of thinking had to be abandoned. Though some of us resisted, we found no great difficulty in casting aside such feelings. Faced with alcoholic destruction, we soon became as open minded on spiritual matters as we had tried to be on other questions. In this respect alcohol was a great persuader. It finally beat us into a state of reasonableness. Sometimes this was a tedious process; we hope no one else will be prejudiced for as long as some of us were.

BB pg 48

robbie0330 · Veteran Member

Well the same cure dosent work for everyone. Cant say that I tried it, Ive been fighting every day. I hate getting up and holding hands with those people and praying to the empty sky. Yeah, I'll admit im powerless when it comes to alchohol. But what good does that do? If Im powerless as everyone says, Then I dont have a chance in hell. I thought if I learned to control it then maybe I wouldnt have to fight it. All or nothing is easy, but learning to drink responsibly might have been disipline. Maybe disipline is over rated. I want out of this shit just like I did before. But I also remember how I was when I was sober. Angry, insulting, refusing to let anyone help me And Really wanting to drink. Im like a ping pong ball going back and foward between Sanity and insaninty. I dont think life's gonna be fun either way but Im quitting again. Halloween night its over. "king alcohol" The devil sent him from HELL to destroy me. Maybe the devil's not a good friend to have after all. God cant be much better though if He created the devil. And if God created Me AND the devil well...

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

robbie0330 wrote:
Yeah, I'll admit im powerless when it comes to alchohol. But what good does that do? If Im powerless as everyone says, Then I dont have a chance in hell.

That's a good start....That's half of step one. Praying to an empty sky won't get you anything....Faith without works is dead robbie. You need to work all 12 steps. You think I'd be wasting my time here talking to you if this didn't work?....I'd like to see you have it....And maybe someday you'll be sitting here or in a meeting helping someone just like you. That's what it's all about.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

Let me ask you a question robbie...See if you can dig down deep and be totally honest on this one...

What are you willing to do to solve this problem you have right now?

Mike B. · MIP Old Timer

Second to what the others have said! I fought the diesase for many years. Always getting beating down further and further. Goes along with what Stepchild wrote: In this respect alcohol was a great persuader. It finally beat us into a state of reasonableness. That's my experience. I finally had to give up all reservation that I could drink/control alcohol. Awareness- Yes, Acceptance- Yes, Action- ? That's were The 12 Steps come into play. I put up the white flag and said I surrender. I can't do this anymore. I stood at the jumping off point. Continue on this path or try a new one? Now, what do I do? I called my Sponsor and the rest is part of my experience(history). I became honest, openminded and willing- bottom line. Giving up my ways, for a new way of life. I hope you put the white flag up soon my friend. You won't regret it! smile

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

I relate and I finally came to own it all...It was on me because at that time I hadn't blown my mind and memory out so completely that I couldn't remember what I did to get where I was at and in front of my second attempt at the rooms I was at suicide for the 3rd time in my life...and I owned it. All that time drinking instead of learning cause learning just wasn't as easy as drinking and I didn't see any future in learning. God...yes there is a God and God didn't work for me...didn't give me what I wanted when I wanted it in the proper shape, size and color that I wanted it and so on my knees I told God "If you can't do the job, I'll find someone else who can" and so instead of looking up I looked down and knocked on Satan's door; the devil, the hot God, the ugly one and guess what? yeppers couldn't do the job either and so I fired Satan also and wen't back totally to self management and blew the whole project. By the time I got into recovery for real I knew that if I kept doing what I was doing either I or someone else was going to end my life which wasn't such a bad idea at that time and I'd leave the face of the earth wondering if there really wasn't that one space ship to give me a ride out rather than for me to leave a body anywhere for someone else to clean up. I was done. I received a suggestion when I got back in..."Sit down, Shut up, listen, learn and practice, practice, practice". Awesome that it was the voices of my elders coming thru the mouths of people 2500 miles away from where I was born. I listened and honestly for a long time I reacted with "bulllshit" yet when I listened with my eyes I wanted what they had. These recovering alcoholics, addicts, family members could walk in a straight line and walk their talk and I wanted that after a time. They were calm inside and outside and I had a nuclear thought one night...If I did what they did I wouldn't get what I was getting and that was right...I did what they did without reservation and got a different outcome...not perfect...different and it was different that I wanted...just different. I was driving me mad nothing and no one else...I owned it all. Years later my hp God as I understand God sends me home "because your soul was born there; God says" and when I set my feet down on my shores and start attending recovery here at home I meet a sister who has the clearest and most simplest description of what it is and was like for me. Magical that her name is Aloha and more mystical her message, "Hi my name is Aloha and my only problem is me and my only solution is God"; a hindsight message for me...I need simple messages...simple and easy to understand and today that is my message from my brain to my ego to my feet. I own the before, the inbetween and the present.

If you're liking what you're hating...stop it!! Do what others are doing; others who have come from where you come from and know how it worked and are willing to have it work different today. You got the 1st step down in spades now fire the manager and find a better one called a sponsor and go for the 2nd step...There is a power greater than robbie who can do a better job because robbie ain't making it happen. Robbie's drinking when he doesn't want to and drinking shit that kicks his ass and entire life when he's looking for peace of mind and serenity instead. Go figure...why can't you get what you want by not doing what you need to do to get it...go figure. I did and had to realize that I was getting what I was getting; working at; insanity.

Welcome to the Family...you can do this and you can't do it by fighting it. My first higher power was a door knob...I was told I couldn't open any new door without it. Keep coming back. smile

Fyne Spirit · MIP Old Timer

robbie0330 wrote:
Yeah, I'll admit im powerless when it comes to alchohol. But what good does that do? If Im powerless as everyone says, Then I dont have a chance in hell.

Admission of powerlessness over alcohol merely identifies the problem. It doesn't solve it, but it does help to know what the problem is because then we can consider possibly solutions.

How about this? If lack of power is our problem, then the solution is to get some power isn't it? How are we going to get some power? Well that's exactly what AA is about. We can show you how to get connected to a power MUCH greater than yourself, which will solve your problem, if you are willing to make the effort that is.

If you wish to stand and argue about it, that's your privilage. But you will be arguing with yourself because I will be off somewhere else looking for someone who actually wants this solution and is willing to make the effort.

God bless,

MikeH

davep12and12 · MIP Old Timer

robbie0330 wrote:
Well the same cure dosent work for everyone. Cant say that I tried it, Ive been fighting every day. I hate getting up and holding hands with those people and praying to the empty sky. Yeah, I'll admit im powerless when it comes to alchohol. But what good does that do? If Im powerless as everyone says, Then I dont have a chance in hell. I thought if I learned to control it then maybe I wouldnt have to fight it. All or nothing is easy, but learning to drink responsibly might have been disipline. Maybe disipline is over rated. I want out of this shit just like I did before. But I also remember how I was when I was sober. Angry, insulting, refusing to let anyone help me And Really wanting to drink. Im like a ping pong ball going back and foward between Sanity and insaninty. I dont think life's gonna be fun either way but Im quitting again. Halloween night its over. "king alcohol" The devil sent him from HELL to destroy me. Maybe the devil's not a good friend to have after all. God cant be much better though if He created the devil. And if God created Me AND the devil well...

Wow, Robbie this sounds so much like me when I first got to AA. I felt ALL of that stuff. The trying (and failing) to drink like 'normal people', the anger when I was in a period of not drinking, the reluctance to accept any help from others, the confusion about what "powerless over alcohol" meant (it does NOT mean we can't get sober, it means we can't successfully drink like people who are not alcoholics!)..... I don't want to alarm you, but dude, it sounds like you have alcoholism. All of this stuff is the insanity of alcoholism. I know. I had all of that too.

Think about this - if you had a badly broken leg, and had not received any medical treatment for it, would you just keep trying to walk on it over and over again, knowing that each time you did, it just made it worse? Would you refuse help from people in the emergency ward who were trying to help you by putting a cast on your leg and explaining what you needed to do to heal it? Or would you accept the fact that you have a problem with your leg that you can't ignore, and can't fix on your own, and that you need some help to deal with it?

There is a really good analogy in chapter 3 of the Big Book about a 'problem jaywalker', and it describes people like us. Most people can jaywalk occasionally without any serious repercussions. But there's this one guy who just can't do it like everybody else. He gets hit by a car, then tries it again and gets hit by a bus, then tries it again...each time, his mind is obsessed with the insane idea of trying to figure out how to successfully jaywalk, instead of admitting to himself that he is obviously just one of those people who cannot jaywalk like other people.

This is all about Step One, Robbie. We need to reach that point where we stop trying to figure out how to drink and use successfully, and start learning how to NOT drink and use successfully. And that does not just mean white-knuckling it and feeling miserable and wishing we could drink. If that's all there was to sobriety, I doubt any of us would stay sober very long. And that's what the other eleven steps are for.

I'm not trying to 'preach' at you, really. I'm trying to give you some encouraging news - that there is a way to REALLY RECOVER from this condition. We can live happily, without drinking or using, and without even WANTING to drink or use, and without feeling like we're missing anything. But it's extremely unlikely to achieve that on our own, without help, just by personal willpower. And it's insane to try to do something as important as this 'the hard way', when the stakes are so high. I encourage you to find some people in AA who have achieved the kind of sobriety that you want for yourself, and ask them to help you do what they did. That's how it works.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

By the way....I went to over 180 meetings in 90 days...And worked the steps in those 90 days...That's how bad I wanted it....I haven't had a drink in 2 and a half years and I'm happy today....My Red Sox just won the series....Life is good.

-- Edited by Stepchild on Wednesday 30th of October 2013 10:51:06 PM

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

That's cool...Be safe robbie.

And Jerry...That's an awsome fricken post!

-- Edited by Stepchild on Wednesday 30th of October 2013 11:09:21 PM

Sober Strummer · Senior Member

When you are really ready...

Do it how the book says.

It is that simple. No need for long pleas for you to sober up. No arguing. No BS.

When you admit defeat and are willing to do it the AA way with no reservations, then a new life begins.

robbie0330 · Veteran Member

The first thing I feel when I walk into those groups is a sence of dread. I dont want to talk. I hate it when it comes my turn to introduce myself when I dont say anything and they just stare at me. I get the feeling that I dont belong here. I dont ask people for help. even if I need it, just As I dont ask people for money when I need it. I understand that the service is here for those who want it, but I need to be to honest with people. Alot of people get through life because they lie or they hold back. Im the type of person who refuses help because I like being rejected. I walk up to a stranger a say "I dont like your shoes" or "whats with your faggot ass hair cut. do you think your cool or somthing?" I have gotten to the point where rejection and repulsion has become somthing that is just so normal that I try to embrace it. I like being cast out. And when people are nice to me I get REALLY uncomfortable because Im afraid that I'll do somthing to hurt them. I'll be listening to you talk and in the back Of my mind I'll be thinking about throwing a glass of water in your face and breaking your nose not because I want to, but because I cant help but think about it. Somone told me I was Manic Depressive. I sure dont know, but if thats what Manic Depressive is, Thinking about things that sicken and discust you then yes I am. My problems go FAR beyond alcohol. Even when I sober (and im not as of this moment) Im angry, confused sitting in a corner grinding my teeth listening to GG Allin and wanting sick revenge on the world that I Never asked to be a part of. I view life as a curse. I cant seem to wrap my head around the whole "life is wonderful" thing, and All I can think about is that someday Im going to die. Someday Im going to have to watch my mother die. Someday soon my grand parents are going to die. I wake up in the middle of the night, and im still alive knowing that one day Im not going to wake up, that I will die. i will DIE one day. Life then becomes not so much scary, but meaningless. Im not suicidal. I have never been. But the thought HAS crossed my mind. Why not? I'll tell you why not. Cause im to much of a pussy to be a man and put one in my head. I have 2 dogs. they are all I care about. After they go (and they will) maybe then. just Maybe. but if I am lying to myself, I'll make sure im given the punishment I deserve. Am I trailing off? yes i am but you see THATS ME. Thats what I do. Thats what I am. I have no Idea who I used to be, but the guy I am now is pretty bizarre and if you think a day with me would be an unplesant day just remember that I have to live with the son of a bitch.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

robbie0330 wrote:
I dont ask people for help. even if I need it,

I can relate to that....You know what my problem was robbie? Fear. I was riddled with it. It touched every part of my life...Fear of rejection...That was killer....Fear I'm not good enough....Fear that this shit was taking my life away....You name it...I had a fear of everything. When I honestly looked at myself...And faced those fears....In the fourth step actually...And became willing to ask for help.....Things started to change for me. You hide behind this bad ass image you have of yourself....I see someone that's frightened....I know...Because that was me. You mentioned the guy you used to be....Did you like that guy?

robbie0330 · Veteran Member

Yeah, that guy was cool. I mean he had personality flaws but who dosent.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

I bet he was...I bet he still is. Personality flaws.....Charactor defects....Call em what you want. You know you don't have to say anything in meetings right?..."I'm just going to listen today"....Is fine. If I gave you a challenge that was given to me...Which I accepted....And it helped me....Would you take it?...You can think about it.

Do you think you could go to 90 meetings in 90 days and not drink between meetings?...And study that book of directions while you were doing it?....Simple yes or no....I'm curious if you want this or not.

robbie0330 · Veteran Member

On november 1'st I'll do as you advise me. tomorrows halloween. I have just one more thing to do and it does involve alcohol, I wont lie. Its not a party, its not a social event. After this last thing i do, I'll begin again. I'll talk to you friday night and let you know how I am. Its hallows eve though and I gotta go. I have to say goodbye to some friends. give me 48 hours. you have my word. dont respond, I'll get back to you.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

He'll make it...I think there is a plan laid out for him. I didn't think he'd make it back from the last time he was here....But he did. I know when I was drinking I said I was going to do a lot of things....Only to wake up to the fear of what it was I said....My answer for that fear was to drink it away. I guess my only hope is that he sticks to what he said....Faces that fear. Rather than just drinking it away. You know Pappy....I think we all got here not much different than robbie...I needed to learn to listen....Never did that before...My sponsor told me...."You need to grow the 'F' UP!......I needed to hear that. He was right...Again. They say we stop growing emotionally when we start drinking....There I was...A 13 year old kid stuck in the body of a 51 year old man...Terrified of life as I was living it...If you call that living. I just needed to start listening....And doing what was suggested to me.

-- Edited by Stepchild on Thursday 31st of October 2013 09:09:17 AM

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Lord I hope Robbie makes it through today ... he reminds me of me at one time ... I had to stop embracing the shame and pain and start 'listening' ... ... ...

Mike B. · MIP Old Timer

Me too Pappy! We all have our own journey and path.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Yeah, me too Step, ... ... ... reminds me of the 'cotton' analogy ... My sponsor told me to take the f'ing cotton out of my ears and stick it in my mouth ... LOL ... I thought, how crude ... damn, he was right , ... AGAIN ... ... ...

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Sounds like you really love your mom and grandparents... xxx

robbie0330 · Veteran Member

this had to be done. It diddnt go the way I wanted it to, but its done nonetheless. Alcohol intake was moderated quite well today so tomorrow is gonna be real easy. Bed ways is right ways now. so Im off.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

What's the plan?

robbie0330 · Veteran Member

Well, I got through today, right now the plan is to go to bed early. maybe you can set me up with a plan.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

Good job on today...How about we start with this. Don't drink...No matter what. Go to a meeting tomorrow....Two if you want to. You don't have to talk...Just listen. It doesn't hurt to show up a little early. Meet some people...Say you are new. First reading lesson....

Read this...Then read it again. Write down any questions you have....See if it makes any sense to you.

http://anonpress.org/bb/docsopin.htm

Then come back tomorrow...Same time and we'll talk about what you learned in the meeting and what you read. Pretty simple....Think you can handle it?

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Get up...shower...take a bite to eat with you to the meeting...when it comes to you to introduce just say Robbie be honest with what you tag to that and then listen for the similarities shared by others in the room.

On what you said earlier about not wanting to be there...I know that one very well and when I finally went to my first "real" AA meeting and it came to me to introduce myself I couldn't. So with the grace of God they stopped the meeting at me until I got over it and said..."I'm Jerry F and I'm alcoholic" and when I did that they did the next best thing...went on with the meeting. I knew everyone in the room and they all knew me and I was afraid to say out loud that one thing they already knew.

Keep coming back and learn from others. smile

betterthanyesterday52 · MIP Old Timer

Good to hear from you Robbie and it sounds like you are on your way to wanting to change your life. I can tell you I haven't been happier since I stopped drinking. Still have a lot of work to do on myself, but I didn't get this way overnight and no way I can change overnight either. Congratulations to you as it shows a willingness and openness on your part that I haven't heard up until now.
(((((hugs))))

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Today is a great day to make a change in your life Robbie ... great follow-up shares already ... just do it ... it will turn out to be one of the best decisions you've ever made ...

We simply had to change the way we 'think' ... the rest was easy ... !!!

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

Well robbie....Maybe you needed one more Saturday night......There was a guy I had watched going in and out of AA for about a year and a half that I was there.....He had what I'd call a yo yo program going on....In and out and up and down...Drinking not drinking...Going to meetings not going to meetings. One night he came up to me after a meeting...He told me..."I liked what you said."... So I asked him...."How would you like to take these steps?....Actually work this program." You know what he told me robbie? He told me "I just don't think I'm willing to do the work." I had to admire that....I told him...."At least you don't have to worry about the honesty part."

From How It Works...Chapter 5.

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

-- Edited by Stepchild on Sunday 3rd of November 2013 01:10:31 AM

robbie0330 · Veteran Member

Well, im sorry if I cant be on the internet 24/7. Last night was saturday night. I went fine without it. Thanks for your concern. Im doing ok. so far....

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

Cool robbie....Alkies that talk about dying always concern me...Why? I've been there. If you're going to muxcle this thing out on your own...I wish you luck. It's hard enough to do when you have help. I was just curious what kind of willingness you had.....How hungry you are for it. I'm glad you are doing OK.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

When the 'pain' outweighs the pleasure !!! ... maybe action will be the 'order of the day' ... (it's usually, never 'before')

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

That is the truth Pappy.

robbie0330 · Veteran Member

Im NOT suicidal if thats what your asking.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

I wasn't either....I didn't have the balls for it robbie....I just felt like dying was a better option than living....So I continued to drink....I knew that was killing me.

These guys talked about it in the book....Maybe you'll read it sometime.

Faced with alcoholic destruction, we soon became as open minded on spiritual matters as we had tried to be on other questions. In this respect alcohol was a great persuader. It finally beat us into a state of reasonableness.

BB pg 48

I just had to get reasonable.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

Reasonable: 1. (of a person) having sound judgment; fair and sensible.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

I got soooo sick from the alcohol that I honestly thought I was going to die ... and it got so bad at one point, I was afraid I wouldn't die ... I just wanted out, and short of pulling the trigger of the 357 magnum I had in my mouth, I simply broke down in tears ... I quit for a while on my own ... but then King Alcohol started telling me I was okay so I went along with him ...

then I got really bad again at some point and finally come to know what surrender was all about ... I didn't just ask for help, I became willing to receive it ... I've had a couple very close friends here on this board, and in my home group, that couldn't or wouldn't surrender themselves enough to accept help ... and they are 'DEAD' now, and they were younger than my sons ... ... it saddens me to know how many others they could have helped recover if only they themselves had done so ...

This disease is SO cunning and SO powerful, it still baffles me to see it control the active drinker ... and Stepman is right on the MARK with his BB quote above ...

You are in my prayers Robbie, as are we all in this group of drunks here trying to help each other ... (one guy in our group is frequently sharing that this 'group of drunks' was his HP ... his g.o.d. ... it worked for him ...)

You are loved, God Bless,
Pappy

robbie0330 · Veteran Member

Jesuc christ! whats with all the suicide drama? Why does everyone say they were gonna kill themselves? That thought has never crossed my mind, no matter how bad I was. Im more about getting back at people. I NEED TO WORK ON THAT I think.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Sorry Robbie, don't know how we got off on that other than to say that it isn't unusual to go through that thought process ... and at this point you must have a million things going through your head ... as for 'getting back at people' ... that is definitely something you need to work on ... that comes from resentment and not being able to let things go ... but the thing is, my sponsor said to try and get others back for the wrongs they did me was like carrying around a 'red hot piece of coal' to throw at them ... he said you're the one that ends up getting burned ...

Finding 'forgiveness' is one of things we learn in this program ... we cannot survive without it ...

robbie0330 · Veteran Member

Thats ok. I actually forgot that it did go through my head ONCE. I drove out to the desert one day with some booze and a dinky 4-10, but I dont think I was ever really gonna do it. I diddnt even drink the booze, I just shot it, LOL! But besides that, I have a difficult time with people. Not every one, just some people and I want revenge so bad somtimes its like blue balls. It really does feel like a waste of energy somtimes, but its like you said. change the way you think. Im going to have a tough time with that. I've already brainwashed myself to think like this. I wasnt always this bad. I was A nice kid. I nice kid who got bullied until he was 19 and then he snapped...sorta. Started drinking and doing all sorts of ungodly drugs and shit and thats what happened. If you saw my childhood you would probably look at me with a strange look and and ask "why? why are you so upset? you had it made!" people are people I guess, no matter what the upbringing.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Yep, ... I never thought I was too bad a person ... I'd stop and help people broke down on side the road 'n stuff, but it was those I worked with and family that I learned I had lied to and cheated and a number of other senseless acts that showed me I was no saint ... and here in AA when working the steps, all that started coming out ... ya know, I learned I couldn't fix a damn thing if I didn't know what was broke ... in AA, I learned what was broke, and like you pointed out, it was my thinking ... I Finally realized just how 'self-centered' I really was ...

I think I really got lost in my addiction at some point due to 'self-pity' ... ... ... I really felt I deserved better or maybe 'more' than I had ... then when things didn't work out like I wanted or planned, I drank even harder ... I knew every excuse in the books to use to justify my drinking ... even told my wife, 'Hey, I'm a drunk, ... it's what I do' ... I was good at it and I knew how to stockpile and hide it and all that good stuff ... I even learned some neat tricks in AA for hiding my drinking (at a time I just wasn't ready to try the program) ...

But I'm here to tell ya, the sober life is soooo much better than I could ever have dreamed it would be, that's why I wish for you all the success we've had ... stick around man and enjoy the ride ...

robbie0330 · Veteran Member

i will.

betterthanyesterday52 · MIP Old Timer

Good Morning, Robbie...
Just checking to see how you are doing. Some great advice here from folks that really care about you. I have found that AA is like that too, only face to face and I owe my life to people on this board and AA members.

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

xxxxx

betterthanyesterday52 · MIP Old Timer

Hey Robbie, just wanted to see if you are still checking this board and wish you a good morning.