I have come to post something 3 times now.  

 

It is good I having nothing to say I suppose!  Reading back through the early posts got me appreciative for the lack of drama and chaos in my life.  It's amazing how HP works.  A close friend of almost two decadeshas recently come out of her shell.  She was the friend that was the vehicle for my bottom.   I don't know where I'm going with this, but have you ever felt like someone was meant to be in your life for divine reasons?  I have always had very strong feelings in any direction about her.  Sometimes deeply connected, other times deep resentment.  Sometimes unbelievable joy and understanding.  We are in that season again.  Much like when we met in our freshmen year of college.  We play music together, write - our personalities are almost too alike.  We can rocket creativity if in the same room.  We have performed music together so intense that the room disappeared in the complexity of a silent moment.  

 

She has 'come out' this year- to her husband of 10 years, and her younger children.  In some ways I am not surprised, in others I'm shocked.  She has gone from being the most religious person I know, to being agnostic and spiritual with a sense of a HP and the open mindedness to explore it in a new way.

 

She has taken on a rather 'butch' look.  Having tea with her seems too pretty now.  Yet I don't know that anything has really changed.  My brother is gay.  He thanked me for accepting him back when he came out to me.  So did this friend when she came out.  I said the same thing to her as I did to him, because it's never been more true.  "Thank you for accepting me for being straight".  I said it a decade ago with as little inflection as I did this year.  To me, it's just not a big deal.  

 

Persecuted people are not a big deal?  I may need to re think some things.  It is a big deal to them.  Just like someone accepting me for being alcoholic, another persecuted group of people, is a big deal to me.  In fact - I rarely come out to my girlfriends at the mall, during play dates, or otherwise.  In my 'regular life' I keep my addiction issues a secret.  Why?  Fear?  Lack of faith?  Worry for persecution of sorts I guess, like for gays, much less than years ago - but still out there.

Maybe everyone doesn't have to understand me - maybe it is enough I understand myself.  I suppose this could fall under the thinking that everything is about me - everyone is paying attention to me... I'm most important?

 

If you have insight here - please share.  I'm listening.  

 

 

You say at the end of this post "Maybe everyone doesn't need to understand me - maybe it is enough that I understand myself" .
This resonates to me.
For so long, I ran and hid from myself, my truest, deepest self. Until I had no clue who Kelley was. It has been through this program that I am beginning to explore my true self. I can acknowledge things I like and things I don't. I don't readily accept those I dislike anymore. And the best part, I have a means, Step 7, to be rid of them. When I am freed of character defects, it opens up room for positive and loving traits to enter.
Am I being selfish, keeping it all about me? Maybe.
But I no longer run and hide from myself. I am learning instead to embrace myself. I cannot attempt to understand the world, everything and everyone in it. But as I become more aware and understanding of Kelley, I become more kind, loving, and accepting of others.
As for sharing my alcoholism and recovery with friends, I didn't have many in the depths of my disease, and those I did have knew without me telling them. I do share, on a general level, such as, " I had developed some unhealthy coping habits that I no longer use" with people and situations I am compelled to. For me, these situations are usually when I'm out, exploring or volunteering in my community with my son. Something I thought about doing for years, but only acted on once I became sober.
Be gentle with yourself, give yourself permission to learn and grow as time goes on. You don't have to be perfect, you are beautiful just as you are. Thank you for sharing your journey here at MIP. I learn much about you, more about myself, by being beside you. ((((hugs))))

I didn't chose to be an alcoholic?

not sure i have the right perspective for this thread.... i did not choose to be an alkie, but when i drank, i did not want to stop. choosing to drink or to stop drinking were not choices for me. i drank alcoholically - and i drank because it was the first thing i thought of in the morning and the last thing i thought about at night or before i passed out.... not too much choice involved, except where i would get my next bottle and if i had enough to last me a couple of days. yes, it was a lifestyle, but more accurately, it was really my whole life that revolved around alcohol. if i could not do it with a drink in my hand, i did not do it. Tasha, i appreciated your saying, thank you for accepting me (for being straight). and thank you Mike D for your statement, when i am judging i am not loving, and while loving not being able to be judgmental. who the heck am i to judge anyone? LOL!! my life was unmanageable and by the grace of God i am no longer an active drunk, but a recovering alcoholic that could not even quit on my own. it is a daily reprieve granted me by my higher power. because of His intervention and this program, i am the happiest i have ever been. i no longer hate mornings, blow chunks from the hangover/headaches, lie about how much i had to drink, drive under the influence, get extra cash so i can buy booze with no paper trail, hide a dozen wine bottles under the guest bed, hate those who interrupt my wine time, and live to drink til i pass out. i live one day at a time because that is all i can handle. and i also try to keep my nose on my side of the street, my shortcomings keep me busy enough without looking for others shortcomings. others who have been where i have been are my closest friendds. keep coming back.