Aloha MIP Family...bringing it here; the hindsight inventory of alcoholism in my life including my eldest relapsing son. It is what is is and was what it was and I didn't have near enough information and awareness as I have today about it. As I have said; which is true, when I got into program I was as dumb as a stick about the disease I didn't even know I was alcoholic. I learned 3 new A words when I got into the rooms of Al-Anon...Autonomy, Anonymity and Alcoholism. I didn't know and I didn't know that I didn't know which includes my current inventory of "my part in it" meaning my son's drinking and using behaviors. The UGH!! for me is that my son basically started off in life drinking with me. When I use to sit out in the driveway with my neighbor drinking beer my son use to run around us in diapers at the age of one and I would give him his own bottle of beer to run around with. I use to be amazed how fast he could empty a bottle and he wasn't watering the plants. He was drinking like his dad and neighbor was. This is really a progressive disease. I got turned on by my grandmother at the age of 9 and turned on my own children at the age of 1. There are 4 siblings all of whom got started by Dad...only one is still on the hook with the disease. God had I known then what I know now...wait that sounds like a "what if" statement which my sponsor taught me to balance out with a "what if not" statement if I wanted to stay in reality. Reality is my son and his family is in full blown alcoholism and all of the insanity you all know comes with it...everything. I'm back at the first three steps along with "acceptance is the solution to all my problems" and my problem now is being fair with my self and the situation...I was what it was and is what it is today...a recovering father and step mother and then the others. Serenity Prayer really helps right along with the love and support of my Al-Anon and MIP families. I am not and will not do the same things over and over again expecting different results...been there , done that, didn't have to then...don't have to now. (((((hugs)))))
Hi Jerry,
I guess it was my Dad who got me started too. But he wasn't alcoholic, just a hard drinker at times. What I got from him was an association between booze and good times, and for most people that's normal. It was my mother who was and is the active alcoholic though there was no sign (visible to me anyway) that she had any problems when I started drinking. Her drinking really took off when I got sober, and continues to this day. How she has survived so long I do not know!
My Dad also taught me values, and that is what eventually saved my life. It was betrayal of my values that was perhaps the most shameful aspect of my drinking life.
We didn't do emotion in our family. British you know! So my sponsor suggested I write to Dad, tell him how I feel about him, as part of my 9th step. It was the best thing I ever did. He wrote back and that letter is one of my most precious possessions. Through our letters we both expressed our love for each other, but he went on to say there were things in his past that he regretted also. He thought he could have been a better Dad.
Now I find myself sharing your and his thoughts. I have two wonderful well adjusted children who have never experienced active alcoholism in their family. But I know I could have done a better job for them, that I fell short on many occasions. And "if only" I could go back and correct some of that. But I know the answer to that today (I think). That's what grand children are for. It seems grand parents take the opportunity to make up for what they got wong the first time around.
When he lost his mother, my son was 15 and did not cope well. We were worried for some time that he might drift into addiction, but in the last year he seems to be getting back to his old self. His friends tell me they are delighted the old Alex is back. AA, by osmosis, has influenced his life in a positive way, and the principles of the steps are part of his values. Perhaps that will be the same with your son Jerry, perhaps the values he has, that you gave him, will eventually lead him back to safety.
Oh WOW, ... Mike, you just made me get my tissue box out ... damn you (just kidding) ... I hate when I 'breakdown' like this ... BUT man, your post hit home on sooooo many levels ... Sorry, I gotta stop here ...
thanks man, I love you and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Mahalo Mike and I understand that part of your journey also and during my recovery I gave my children the changes I was learning in both of my programs and we give them still without expectation. I had this similar relationship with my mother and my step-father like yourself the changes resulting from the steps to the 9th step. I came to understand that the program gave my parents the son that they always wanted and still the difference is that I am the one in recovery and they are not. What are my expectations? "It is what it is for what is being done and not". My son and my family continues to practice the disease as our family has practiced it for generations and I am not and prefer not to. I use to and then I stopped and have stayed stopped. I have or am amended (changed) and that is what I was wanting to be in the first place...I needed to...the others have other ideas. Thanks for your ESH.
