I posted awhile back that my SO was going to a wedding which is out of town. Been worried a lot about being alone--I haven't been by myself much at all over the last couple of decades. I had an invite but since there was going to be drinking, and I haven't been sober but just a few months, I didn't think I could be around alcohol without wanting to drink. He is a newly recovering alcoholic too and I have been worried about him drinking, but you guys told me that was his sobriety and to take care of my own. Good advice and it helped me change my thinking. Anyway, for the last week or so, I have been really down about being by myself so instead of posting my woes here, thought I would try and help others to help me not focus so much on myself. Not sure if it helped anyone but it helped me by doing so. Well, here I am posting my "woes" again, but this has a good ending... so here goes....
my SO told me to call him anytime (except the wedding/reception times) as he knew this weekend would be hard on me. Well, I called him today and he has his phone turned off. He never turns it off here, not even to charge it. Another time he had an out of town convention to go to and I couldn't reach him at all for two days because he turned his phone off the whole time. So of course my mind goes crazy thinking the worst when it happens again. (This hasn't been a healthy relationship and lots of things have happened but I still feel like I am in love with the guy.) So that is one thing that happened today. Then a person who has several years of sobriety in AA and who has been really nice to me has blocked me on their cell. I have not unloaded much at all with this person and have told you all more than this person. In fact, this person has told me much more about what is going on with them and told me more than I really wanted to hear. Since I don't know this person all that well, I am careful not to tell too much about me. But I am a good listener and didn't mind a bit. I don't know what I said or did and am very hurt about having my number blocked, which made me more depressed tonight. So what does this have to do with drinking? Well, nothing to anyone else but a lot to me, because any one of these things--being alone, boyfriend issues, rejection--would be enough to send me to the liquor store. I have been very very down and that's why I was trying to contact this AA'er. They told me to contact them at any time and I just wanted to "call before I was thinking about drinking". Actually I texted them because I didn't want to call them that late.
Anyway, after this all happened today, I was really worried about making it to 12:00 am, as that's when they stop selling alcohol here. I made it until that time, then thought oh no, the bars are open until 2:00, so was worried about making it until then without going out and getting a drink or two, three, etc. I did make it until then after praying and asking my HP to give me strength to get through this without drinking. I did make it until 2:00 without going out to get a drink. It is past 4:30 a.m. here and I haven't slept a bit.
In all of this, and sorry for my long-windedness, but I am tired and not making much sense, I know.....but anyway, in all of this I realized that as much as I thought I might do it, I didn't have to drink to get through it. And I am going to an AA meeting at 9:30 and another one at 6:30 tonight which I am looking forward to.
Thanks for listening and I think I can hear some of you snoring....:)
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Sunday 13th of October 2013 04:10:26 AM
I was snoring when you wrote this. I guess Pappy doesn't snore anymore - so that's good lol!
You know... there is a lot of goodness in this post because you're so open and honest and wiling to just make it through the hour or the minute if that's what it takes. I used the serenity prayer and I did a lot of shouting to God in my back yard to get me to the next hour PUUUUULEEEEASE!!
So we do what we have to do to make it through.
That whole being blocked thing is kind of crappy - but in reality - if you're trusting that a HP has you where he needs you and wants you, then you weren't meant to be buddies with this person anyway. That is fine - there was another lesson in store for you! You could use HP anytime - anywhere - and you are NEVER blocked! We can stay in the light of the spirit if we make good choices - and you have. So be proud of that. We are.
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Don't worry about the 'small stuff' BTY, cause it's ALL small stuff ... let the peace and serenity that comes with the program become your 'way of life' so that you can enjoy being you ... don't concern yourself by the way others act or react ... ... ...
Tash is right, I do not snore anymore ... in fact it took my wife a while to be able to sleep at night cause she kept waking up to extreme 'quiet' ... then she'd have to check to see if I was still breathing, LOL ... ... ... my new CPAP machine is fabulous ... (I can't believe you worked that into the post Tasha, LOL ... you just try'n to stir somethin' up , aye ???) ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Sounds like you did well...Just remember one thing...We don't drink no matter what! I too had to ask my HP for help a lot early on...Til I had this solution they talk about in the book....I also found that just reading that book tended to take my mind off of drinking and steer it more in the direction of what I had to do. I don't know if this person that blocked you is a guy or not...Or why you were blocked...I would suggest loading up with some more numbers....Preferably women...And using them....Other than that...Pat yourself on the back...Thank your HP for another day sober...And keep moving forward.....And don't forget that sponsor you have.
All of this sound like the makings of a good program developing. Life will feel dramatic and crazy for a while but you have a good step 1 going when you know drinking will just make it worse.
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
All of this sound like the makings of a good program developing. Life will feel dramatic and crazy for a while but you have a good step 1 going when you know drinking will just make it worse.
Hey guys...
Thank you all for responding. I wish I could respond to each one of you individually for your kindness and support, but between not ever going to bed last night, breaking up with my SO (which I did during the night), and getting reprimanded by an AA'er after the meeting this am, I am even more depressed. Someone told him that I said something which I did not say. He was so upset he wouldn't even let me talk and kept telling me to "Be Quiet", "Don't Talk" and "Don't Defend Yourself". I broke down and stood there telling myself not to say anything and started crying. People leaving the meeting were walking by and looking at me. (This isn't the first time I have cried at a meeting and it is getting ridiculous.) This is probably why people have been snubbing me, as I mentioned in a previous post, because this guy is very well liked and respected in AA. I have only tried to be nice to everyone and have no idea how someone could be so cruel as to start something about me. I guess I am a big hypocrite trying to help the other newcomers on this board and me being overly-sensitive and all this happening to me and I cannot even handle my own stuff. I don't even know where I am going to go as this apartment is in my ex-SO'ers name, my credit is shot and I don't think anyone is going to rent to me. thank you all for trying to help me, but I guess I am a big mess and apparently it cannot be everyone else's fault so there must be something really wrong with me.
"worsethanyesterday52"
Aloha Betterthan and good test results...you didn't drink over it all. That's the solution to the test. I was told by an early sponsor "Don't ever forget that everyone in the room comes from the same broken insane place you do" and that took the edge off of face to face thrashings that others tried to put over on me. Beside that I had my old Oppositional Defiant Disorder tools to fall back on which allowed alot of unuseful stuff to just blow past me. Early on some old timers use to try to power trip me and then I also use to be good at it and it came to nothing. I did learn a major slogan tool called QTIP...Quit Taking It Personal and that gave me a huge fresh breather of air.
You didn't drink whether you had to or not...awesome. Keep coming back and show us how to do that also. ((((hugs))))
Whew! That was a close one! Ok, I have to remember that "HALT" thing before I react.....I was all of those things and apologize for that last posting. You're right, I don't need to take things so personal. Hopefully working through the steps will help me with that. Haven't met with my sponsor yet. Yesterday, after that morning meeting, I did consider quitting AA and just trying to stay sober by myself without help from anyone (LOL). I am tired of getting hurt feelings, tired of crying and getting embarrassed in front of others.Than the sorrier I kept feeling for myself I thought about giving all this sobriety stuff up, that I was just helpless and hopeless and how much better I would feel if I just got a bottle of wine and maybe I would just have a couple of glasses....(which is a bigger LOL). Then I got ready and went to another meeting and talked with other members there (didn't get into all the personal stuff above) and had such a good time and thought how much I would miss all of the many people who have been very nice and supportive and even the other ones who don't understand me or vice versa. Alls well and I can't wait to start working on those steps to improving myself and being more equipped to handle the small stuff, because Pappy's right, it's all small stuff, except staying sober because that has to be my main focus and not letting this other carp have any affect on that.
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Monday 14th of October 2013 10:23:40 AM
Alls well and I can't wait to start working on those steps to improving myself and being more equipped to handle the small stuff
This might be something you want to consider sharing with your sponsor...I'm glad you went back to another meeting...Sometimes we just have to pause...And pray...And the right answer will come. Good job BTY...Forward we go.
I am always disturbed when I here stories of AAs treating other so poorly, then I am reminded that my sponsor told me years ago that AA wasn't a mutual admiration society, that I am going to meet people I don't like.
He frequently reminded me that people, including him, have feet of clay. Sooner or later, with or without intending to, they will let you down. And I see from your posts that you have crossed paths with a few clay footed people.
I think you are on the right track. You said something along thelines that you questioned whether you should be trying to help the newcomer when you can't fix yourself. Well, none of us can fix ourselves - if we could we would, and we wouldn't need AA -. What we learn in AA is that it is by helping others that we get well ourselves. "Nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail."
The main strength of our sobriety, and the solution to clay footed people comes from God as we understand him. "Your Heavenly Father will NEVER let you down". The steps are a path to a conscious contact with God, and He keeps us sober.
At the Big book study last night we were reading the last part of There Is A Solution. It is interesting to note on p29 the personal stories are not introduced as being about getting sober, but rather as stories about how each individual established his relationship with God.
Years later, Bill W wrote a piece entitled Emotional Sobriety. In it he discusses various forms of dependence which he has found to be unhealthy. Dependence on other people, even on AA itself, must be broken at depth, in favour of dependence on God. His final conclusion was that "stability came from giving, not receiving"
You seem to have this understanding. If you keep trying to help others, and work those steps to develop a conscious contact with the God of your understanding, I am sure you will be amazed at the result. And the turning point may be closer than you think.
Thanks so much for all of your responses and support! MikeH, I never have heard "clay footed people" and will have to watch my own feet. I sure don't want to cause anyone hurt feelings and eventually I hope that I can help others as so many of you have helped me. I am going to read p29 of the BB which you mentioned and I want to find the Emotional Sobriety Bill W. wrote that you also said. Thanks so much for your post!
(Pappy if you check this post again....hahahaha....I didn't get the witches picture until you explained it.....Been a lot slower in the mental department with this last sobriety period. I thought justadrunk was celebrating Halloween a little early and the witches were just using the mixers to mix whatever they were brewing in their pot. Woe is Me!)
