Hi everyone! I'd like to share with you a question that I've been asked many times by many sponsorees: "Will Step 4 be emotionally painful for me?" The only way I can ever answer that question is out of my own experience with doing a Fourth Step inventory myself. To begin with, we must establish the fact that no human being likes feeling emotional pain. It's only natural for anyone to want to avoid feeling it. All those normal people out there try to avoid it as much as possible too, just like you and me. However, when emotional pain does come to those normal folks, they tend to react to it much differently than we do. Most of them will usually just face it, and feel it, and walk through it. But, there's one thing they don't do that distinguishes them from us alcoholics: They don't live their lives in a crippling fear that they might feel something painful.
However, an alcoholic is a person who lives in such great fear of emotional pain that he'd rather not feel anything. We all drank to keep from feeling any pain, didn't we? The trouble was, though, we couldn't feel the pleasure of real joy and happiness in life either. It's pretty easy to understand that it was our fear of feeling bad that prevented us from ever feeling good.
Reality is that Step Four does present us with the possibility that we might recall particular events, or see certain facts about ourselves, that might be very uncomfortable or even painful. Of course, we're going to react to that possibility of pain in the normal alcoholic way -- we'll fear feeling it. Which could certainly cause us to run away from Step Four. But, what is it that we're really so afraid of?
Truth.
Yes, it's Truth we actually fear. At Step One, we learned that an alcoholic is a person who is allergic to alcohol. But, an insane alcoholic is a person who is actually allergic to two things. One of them is alcohol, and the other one is Truth. In our alcoholic minds, we associate Truth with pain. That's why we're so afraid of Truth. Our insane minds tell us that Truth gives pain, and we think if we see some Truths in our Fourth Step, we might feel some pain. However, I've discovered that Truth does not give pain. Truth takes pain away. I always tell my sponsorees that they have nothing to fear by beginning to honestly embrace Truth in their inventories. They can consider it to be the beginning of the end of all their years of fear and pain. Truth is the antidote -- not the poison.
At this point, my sponsorees usually want to know if they're supposed to do Step Four without having any fear, since the Step reads, "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." They ask, "Does that mean I'm expected to do this Step without having any fear inside me?" My answer is always "No! Absolutely not! You surely will feel some fear about writing your inventory. But, you don't need to worry." I then go on to explain that the word "fearless" really means that they've made a decision that they're not going to allow fear STOP THEM from doing the inventory. There's no doubt that they'll have some fear. Big deal. The point is, they're just not going to let fear prevent them from taking the action-Step they need to take in order to get well. That's all. That's what fearlessness really is. Yet, there's even more to it than that.
Here's the most amazing part of all this: Once we decide that we're not going to allow fear to stop us from moving forward, we're reacting to fear like a normal person reacts. We aren't running away like a sick insane alcoholic does. At that point, we're standing and facing things and feeling things, just like a normal sane human being does. If you ask me, I think that's a pretty big deal....especially for an alcoholic like me. Thanks for letting me share this. Looking forward to your experience with dealing with the fear surrounds Step Four. Blessings, Mike D.
Great post Mike D...I know I had no shortage of fear going into this step...I also know this is the step for me where fear faded and faith started to grow for me. I had to pray a lot in this step..Ask God for help...For willingness...Honesty...What is honesty?....Facing that truth.
Some examples in the directions for step 4.
We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."
We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one.
BB pg 67
Perhaps there is a better way - we think so. For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity.
We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear.
BB pg 68
We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.
In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test - was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.
Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. We must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing. In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it.
BB pg 69
If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson.
To sum up about sex: We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing.
In this book you read again and again that faith did for us what we could not do for ourselves. We hope you are convinced now that God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you off from Him. If you have already made a decision, and an inventory of your grosser handicaps, you have made a good beginning. That being so you have swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself.
BB pg 70 - 71
This is just a personal opinion of mine...Take it for what it's worth...I think this step takes more alcoholics back out than anything else....And not only it's that fear of facing the truth....It's also a fear of asking God for help....And once again doing it the sick alcoholic way...By ourselves.
YES, but it's the door through which we pass to discover exactly who we are ... and that, my friend, can be very painful ... and a necessary step in the healing process ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I remember doing Step 4 with my old sponsor, Jim. He said when it comes to doing step 4 there's nothing we need to fear except the truth. I agree. So I guess F.D.R. was right after all: " The only thing we have to fear is fear itself ". Besides, step 4 has a more to do with acceptance anyway then fear, and that includes responsibility also. Once we atone for past mistakes the less fearful we become.
I call AA's 4th step my 'pressure release valve moment': When all that steam comes pouring out there's no denying its destructive power, kind of like my frustrations. It can either shackle us with fears just as powerful or release us with one broad stroke, just like acceptance. For me, it was the only way to approach step 4.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 12th of October 2013 07:25:19 PM
