It's so sad to hear stories like these, but then again it doesn't surprise me either. It seems like a trend lately, the number of relapses I mean. In fact, a friend of mine and I were recently talking about the same thing, relapses. I guess some things never change.
The number of relapses in our area has nearly doubled within the past 2 years, not to anyone's surprise. It's been a bone of contention for some time now, so I don't give it much thought. One in particular stood out for me, which after much deliberations I have to say came as no surprise. He drifted away from the program among other things, and as we all know it can only lead to one thing, disaster. I hope your friend's situation has a better outcome. One could only hope.
There is good news, though, and on the flip side of that coin we find people, like yourself, who have seen the light of recovery. It's only through your eyes that one could honestly say 'recovery does work, just as long as we work for it'. I hope that trend continues. Onward.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 12th of October 2013 03:03:16 AM
I have 3 close friends in AA - we all came in around the same time. One has a young girl the same age as my daughter, and we did many play dates this summer. One has been off and on sober. One I found out has pretty much never stopped drinking, but was hiding it.
Anyway - they all crashed and burned last week. One in treatment - one in the ER - one fallen off the face of the Earth completely.
I visit the 2 I know the where abouts of and it's scary and very in my face that I am a sucker and a fool and I gave my heart to people, and trusted people, who can't care right now how much it hurts to be on the back burner.
I had been hanging out in Alanon a lot more anyway lately - it was as if God knew I was about to REALLY NEED IT and prepped me. But if you do believe in coincidences that is fine too.
There is part of me that doesn't want to know any of you any more. Too risky.
The other part of me knows I have to know, and love you, and accept for exactly who you are - to live.
They told us what we needed to do to live - they didn't say we needed to like it.
This is worse than wondering from afar how much my dad is drinking - because people are nearly dying right now as I type this. My dad is just slowly dying. I don't like it when they are pedal to the medal because I know how close I came to dying many times in that mode.
I think my amends will come from a new place to those I have hurt. I am very grateful for the lesson. Still it sucks.
Alcoholism sucks - and I'm so grateful I get to be here as a result just the same.
I'm glad Ro is back. That helps.
Random thoughts on a night back from olive garden where they asked if we wanted to sample the wine - and my friend said yes, and I said no - and I meant it with all my heart. Please no. Please don't let it ever be me again.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
The AA community is large and while work with newcomers is good to do, it's safer to make friends more closely with folks that also have over a year...preferably even more. Out of many many folks I started this journey with counting days together, I can only think of about 5 that I reached 5 years with this year.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
"T" this was where I got lessons on tweaking my expectations for myself and also for others. My expectations for myself are based upon what I do in and for my sobriety. I work it because I don't ever want to die as that sick, confused, crazy person I was when my HP drug me out of insanity and plunked my butt squarely and early in the middle of the first meeting I didn't preface with "I don't want to be here and I don't like it or you people". LOL. My expectations of others is often like "they want the same thing I want"...however it's none of my business how they work it or even if they work it at all. They get the consequences of their choices...not mine. The Al-Anon philosophy of detachment with all of the experiences of how to work it and why allow me to love without expectation or ownership. I'm not anyone's Higher Power and they're not listening anyway. Hug'em, pray on 'em, let'em go(d). Keep coming back. (((hugs)))
Hi Tasha, as I'm reading your post, I can see the disappointment and heartbreak your feeling right now. It hurts when people we love are hurting. So, right now, you're feeling pain because loved one's are feeling pain. You obviously have a lot of love and compassion in your heart. The fact that you have love inside you probably seems pretty much like a "curse" to you right now because of the hurt you feel, but I'd like to invite you to embrace it as the greatest blessing that God has ever given you. Just imagine what sort of hard-hearted person you'd be if you had no love for anyone inside you -- you might not feel pain, but you certainly wouldn't feel the joy of loving and living. As you have embraced God through the 12 Steps, He has re-made you and blessed you with a huge capacity to love. The love that He has given you is exactly what is giving you life. I encourage you to thank Him for the fact that you can love. It's your life-line! Hang on to it tightly. That being said, how do we deal with the pain which can come from loving? Well, I've found that the Serenity Prayer holds my answers: It reminds me that I have NO CONTROL over what other people do. So, about all I can do is accept them and love them as they are right now. This places me in a position where I can be most helpful to them. Yes, sometimes it hurts a little to love, but not loving is a living hell. Thanks for allowing me to share about this difficult topic. Blessings to you and your friends, Mike D.
I am sorry about your friends and their relapsing. I hope you keep in mind that there are newcomers that don't relapse who you do help and you are an inspiration to them. I guess it works both ways and even with people that have sober time under their belt there is still a chance that they will go out. There was someone who had several years of sobriety and I missed him when he stopped coming to meetings and I hoped he was going to other ones. He came in to one of the meetings last week and picked up a white chip. Then there was this woman who has several years of sobriety and I loved her shares. I was considering asking her to by my sponsor. I noticed in one of the meetings that she was not the same. Very spacey, eyes darting all over the place, and she slurred her words and I really couldn't understand much of what she was saying. I am not sure if she was drinking again or maybe it was some kind of prescription. She was like a different person. I realized that I couldn't ask her to sponsor me. Then there are people who come to the meetings, pick up white chips, 30 day chips, etc. and stop coming to meetings and I look for them and get sad when they don't come back. I did the same thing when I would try to get sober. Stopped going to meetings, drank and came back. I hope I never go through that again and hopefully reading your post will help me realize that there are people out there cheering for me and who care.
I had a group of five of us that got together for football games and BBQ last year...All with more time in AA than I have. One is dead...And three are out testing the waters....It hurts. I've reached out to them...I pray for them...If they make it back I'll be there for them....Most importantly...I've learned from them. For me to drink is to die....I have to keep doing what I've been doing.
Drinking is what we do. It took an act of God to get us sober.
At some point they had a failure. It is not a debatable thing. Alcoholics choose to get drunk. We do not relapse. That is total BS. A cancer patient has a relapse. They do not go buy a bottle of cancer and drink it. We alcoholics make selfish choices and get drunk.
I am feeling for you on the choices of your friends. I have seen a few friends do the same thing. Some have died. It is a harsh cold, in your face reminder of how alcoholism kills you.
Tasha, you are a survivor. You are in control of your wonderful life. I treasure your friendship. There is no risk, only reward. Take care of yourself and it will all be ok.
Your post reminds me. It reminds me of the wonderful gift of life I have been given.
But for the grace of God, that would be me. Today I choose sobriety.
Vaya Con Dios. Go with God.
Peace my friend.
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"I spent a lifetime in hell and it only took me twelve steps to get to heaven."
"Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you."
I visit the 2 I know the where abouts of and it's scary and very in my face that I am a sucker and a fool and I gave my heart to people, and trusted people, who can't care right now how much it hurts to be on the back burner.
There is part of me that doesn't want to know any of you any more. Too risky.
The other part of me knows I have to know, and love you, and accept for exactly who you are - to live.
I think my amends will come from a new place to those I have hurt. I am very grateful for the lesson. Still it sucks.
On one hand, it does suck to learn to know 'true love' like we have (it can and often IS painful) ... On the other hand, it REALLY suck to know NO love in life ... think I'd rather be on the love side of the fence !!!
Now the BIG lesson here for me ? ... I never fully understood the hurt and pain I caused my wife until I experienced the disappointment of someone I love chose alcohol over our friendship ... WOW, what a rude awakening that is ... ... ... I always told her that my drinkin' ain't hurt'n nobody but myself, WRONG ... it was hurting everyone around me and I never saw it ...
What these friends of your did Tasha, was return your love for a while and it gave you 'hope' and then perhaps expectations, depending on time ... it is a natural process ... and like a mother wanting the best for her child, we want the best for our brothers and sisters in the program ... If we are to be upset with any one thing, let it be at the disease, not the person ... and let us learn from others mistakes rather than experiencing them ourselves ...
Only going to say one more thing ... to RISK loving another is WORTH it ... cause to live without that love is a miserable way to live ... to wake up years from now NOT knowing the friendships that could have been is NOT something I want to go through ... I rather live giving love, and if it returns to me, then I'll have something to be grateful for ...
I do Love you you know ... and I'm willing to risk it if only for the friendship we enjoyed already ... I'll of course pray for it to grow, but I am super happy to know you and your family ... looking at the pictures you sent me every day brings a smile to my face and reminds me of the benefits of being sober 'today' ... God Bless,
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
if there were 20 of you at the beginning, statistically, only one is going to stay sober long term. Think of this process like a marathon race of 1,000,000 miles.
Hey Tasha! I'm glad to hear you say you're feeling better. I don't know too much about you, but I had a feeling that you're a very spiritually grounded person and that you'd be alright. It looks like you have a lot of good friends here who care for you and are ready to help. Again....glad you're feeling better now. Blessings, Mike D.
I had 7 years last Thursday. I can count on one hand the people who haven't relapsed from my regular meetings. It used to shock me, now I'm just grateful they came back.
1/2 measures - and I was only willing to look at it 1/2 way honestly. Selfishly - I wanted friends, so I overlooked their 1/2 measures. Though I saw it glaringly come to think of it - I told myself I was being judgmental - and that was my excuse to keep going with the friendships.
However - I did know what I was getting into. Being friends with anyone is always a risk. Like Pappy said - it's better to take that risk and take what's good from it while you can.
I'm happy with what I have. And I always have you folks here at MIP that I LOVE!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
