Hi to all of you at MIP. I'm Mike and I'm an alcoholic. I'd like to share some things I've learned about myself regarding forgiveness at Step 4, and the things I share with my sponsorees that seems to help them. In the process of dealing with resentments at Step 4, I always point out that keeping a resentment is a choice we make. So, that means forgiveness is a choice we can make, as well....if we are willing. My sponsorees always like it when they discover they have choices they didn't know they had. But, they always ask me, "Yeah Mike...I do want to forgive, but how do I go about forgiving all these people who have hurt me?" This is where I share what I learned about forgiveness that worked for me. Here's the shortened version:
The number one obstacle that makes us unable to forgive an individual is the perception of that person which we construct in our own mind. When we get angry, and stay angry at a person, we go through a very deceptive and dishonest process inside ourselves. We go through a process of de-humanizing that person. Without even realizing we're doing it, we gradually take away their humanity. In our minds, we reduce them down to almost nothing. We make them something like sub-human in our perception of them. We even call them names like "jerk", or "idiot", or "piece of crap", to help the process along. And, before long, we don't see them as human people anymore.
The truth is, if you want to hate a person or stay angry at them, you've got to stop seeing them as a human being.
So, how do we get to the place where we can actually forgive people? Well, it's not as difficult as you might think. All you have to do is consciously reverse the de-humanizing process in your mind. You simply give them back their humanity. You will need to take each individual on your list and go through this reverse-thinking-process, and return their humanity back to them....one person at a time. Some will be more difficult than others. We know that. Yet, what you will find is that, after you've dealt with the first one on your list, the second one will be easier. The third one will get even easier...and, so on with the others. It's going to take some rigorous honesty on your part, but your honestly will grow as you go along.
When I was at this juncture in my inventory, I said to myself, "If I'm honest, I must admit that I've made a lot of human mistakes in my life. I'm a weak, faulty, mistake-making human being. If I'm a weak human being, then I guess all those other people are weak human beings too. They've done wrong things, but I've done plenty of wrong things myself. They have a lot of faults, but so do I. I'm no better than they are. If I've made mistakes because I'm human, then it only makes sense that they'd make some human mistakes too."
Essentially, I raised them back up to a human level where they belong, and I lowered myself back down to a human level where I belong. I had to humble myself quite a bit. Once I allowed them to become human beings again, I found that it got a whole lot easier to forgive them and forget their wrongs.
Going through this reverse-thinking process and giving people back their humanity (which I had no right to take away in the first place) was what made it possible for me to forgive, and makes the difference between forgiving and being happy, or living with the pain of resentment for the rest of my life.
You might have some experiences with the process of forgiveness yourself. Please share! Blessings to all of you, Mike D.
Thats what I tried to explain just the other day. I make mistakes all the time how can I then expect someone else to be perfect and not forgive them. Especially when God forgives all of us.
Thank you
The absolute best description of 'forgiveness' that I've come across, was in the book called 'The Shack', by William P. Young ... ... ... I learned more about spirituality from that book than I could ever possibly describe ... I wish I hadn't already packed it up, cause I have a ton of notes and 'hi-lights' in there ... oh well ...
Basically, my thoughts on the power of forgiveness, stem from my first year in the program where I had to face the hardest test of all, forgiving myself ... ... ... Once I dealt with that, that opened the door for me to proceed with forgiving the wrongs done me by others ... I really felt that if I could not forgive someone else, then how in the world could I expect God to forgive me ??? ... ... ... So, I learned that it is a two-way street ... (between me and God) ... that if God saw fit to forgive me, then I should believe that is part of His 'will' for me ... kinda like the 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you' sort of thing ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
One of the best lesson sequences I went thru with my sponsor was about "the opposites" He was leading me thru and from the toxic negative feelings I was constantly having and didn't seem to be able to loose. I hated being assaulted by hatred, anger, envy and jealousy and resentments and more. One night he told me simply that if the feelings I was "entertaining" were causing me trouble then if I felt the opposite ones I'd get away from the trouble. Interesting idea and so along the way with the feeling of resentment I learned that the opposite of it was forgiveness. "You cannot feel both resentment and forgiveness at the same time" he told me...the are diametrically opposed. He was right and so we then worked on "permissions". He gave me and then I gave my spirit the permission to feel forgiveness exclusively. Often now a resentment turns out to be a short itch...and falls away very quickly. I have now another way of looking at forgiveness in my life which is "How can I not forgive"?
-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 6th of October 2013 07:37:09 PM
Interesting post Mike. I concur with Pappy re "The Shack", an amazing book.
Looking back on my early sobriety, where the charater defect of resentment was a life threatening problem, I found I was unable to do much about it on my own. I suppose this was partly because I was seriously mentally ill with alcoholism and could not grasp even the most simple concepts to do with my relationships with others. For me the answer to resentment and the intense emotional pain it caused, was prayer, trying to follow the suggestions in the Big Book. Once in a while the answer to the prayer was that I had to take some action. When I saw where I had been wrong I found it was me who needed to ask for forgiveness. Through recognising my part and doing my best to put it right, I was freed of the resentment.
"We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.
This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."
We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one.
Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man's.......
.....Perhaps there is a better way - we think so. For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity."
Hi Mike: Hey, thanks for your excellent share on letting go of resentment and getting to the point where we can forgive. Humbling myself and getting my big ego out of the way was what made it possible for me. Until I honestly examined myself at Step 4 and looked at my own faults and failings, I had no idea how I had vilified people and made them subhuman in my mind. God Himself helped me see those things. Blessings, Mike D.
Great post! These examples can also be used during our Step 10 inventory. I'm human and make mistakes all the time. Why can't I allow others to be imperfect? With the Grace of God and the power of AA, I can. I can step back and take an honest assessment of the situation and admit when I'm at fault, and forgive when others are at fault. I can forgive today for MY peace of mind and serenity. How important is it to be right? In most cases, not very important. The EGO is on an AA diet. So simple, yet so hard until I went through the 12 Steps.
