About a year ago I read a book called Undrunk: A Skeptic's Guide to AA by A.J. Adams. At one point in the book the author writes that once you have spent time working the AA program, any remnants of fun you had drinking is pretty much ruined. I was intrigued by that idea at first and now am pretty sure I understand what he was talking about.

For me, anyway, talking to alcoholics and coming to terms with the reality that I am an alcoholic really turned a light on in myself. I got to see a side of myself that I hadn't seen in many years and I really enjoyed being with that person again. It was like being re-united with the shy but good person that I was before alcohol turned me into a liar, sneak, and total asshole. In AA, I processed my strengths and my weaknesses, and connected with my higher power to utilize the former to help others and the ladder to learn from my pain and shortcomings. It's one of the greatest gifts I have ever received.

As I wrote last night, I recently picked up. It was AWFUL. A few people commented that I am lucky to have been able to acknowledge what I was doing and come back so quickly, and it's true. I am incredibly lucky for that. But I think for me it is true because this time drinking felt like a whole new level of self-betrayal that I had never experienced before. The denial was harder to muster. Prior to AA, I would get drunk, feel horrible while hung over, and then talk myself into thinking that I was exaggerating my bad feelings and would reach for the inevitable "one or two" and play the scene over and over again - for years. This time, popping off a cap made me feel intense dread because I had a greater internalized sense of what was coming next. It felt sinister. That's not to say I didn't give in, because I did and I can completely understand how easy it is to get sucked back in at full force. But for me, THIS time, waking up hung over was about 50 times more anxiety-producing than it ever was before.

It has made me realize that the days of fantasizing about being moderate are ones that need to be over, because I feel like I have one of two choices now:

1. Stay sober, connect with my HP, and continue on the path of self-worth, honesty, and compassion. And, ultimately, happiness.

2. Or I'm going to have to drink so much more to deal with the deeper pain of drinking that it'll be overwhelming.

In that sense, yes, AA has ruined any lasting fun in drinking for me forever because it gave me a taste of liberation and freedom from the suffering. At any rate, I don't recommend picking up again. The entire time I kept thinking back to Pappy writing months ago that recovering from a relapse is way more difficult than the initial decision to get sober. I know I have a ways to get before getting full back on track, but I'm committed. I don't want to go back to that place of darkness and foreboding. Like I said last night, hell is still very much there - and very skilled at temptation.

-Adam