Hi, I'm just looking to see what a recovering A has to say about what my A is going through right now. He is going through outpatient treatment far away from myself and our kids, so we haven't seen him for awhile since he relapsed so bad that he had wanted to die. He is and was so scared from his last relapse that he says he wants nothing more in the world to stay sober, no matter what it takes. It's been almost 3 weeks since he got out of the hospital and two weeks since he started outpatient therapy, so it's still very early for him. He is still very emotional and upset. He is absolutely frightened to see me because he says he knows he will just want to go back into my arms and start over which he definately believes will lead him to drink again. Today, he feels as though he can't be with me anymore because he is so scared to get emotionally comfortable with our lives again, and once again, will lead him to drink. He feels as though he will never be able to deal with the pain of what he has done to me, and how i've cried and re-acted in the past to his drinking, and this is why he is afraid to work on our marriage because of the overwhelming guilt he feels.
Has anyone else gone through this? The feeling of terrible remorse that you think you won't beable to face your family, or ever be with them again for fear of hurting them again. So you feel they are better off just leaving you so you don't have to worry? Looking for some real good insight.
I would suggest you keep using the tools AA gives you and work the program so you will get stronger and healthier.
There is no telling what the future has to offer. He could possibly get a firm grasp on the program and return to his family. Or you may have to detach and let him go. Only that power greater than us knows for sure.
Keep your faith because the BB tells us the promises will become reality.
You can, if it doesn't affect your sobriety, still be his friend and pray for Gods' will in his life.
I understand. It is very difficult to feel so helpless when a loved one is suffering and there seems to be nothing we can do to make it better.
Please, take good care of yourself and those who depend on you.
Thank you also for trusting us with your situation.
I guess I have my own thoughts on this...and they are mine only...
This is a family disease...and involves everyone..in the family..
As much as he needs to do what he needs to do..for himself..one day at a time
He is also responsible to the family also...and its a together thing..
On your side... Alanon, is a program for you..as AA is a program for him..
And while two people work on them selves..individually...they can meet in the middle..and work on the relationship...and all of its one day at a time..
Im not any authority..re your questions and concerns..
Just sharing how I feel with you..as a recovering alcoholic.. All the best..
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Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
I didn't really get a feeling from you about who you are, are you an Alcoholic, or is your husband the only drinker.
As mentioned above, if you are married to an Alcoholic, then Alanon would be the place where you could get more of the support you need, regarding your difficult life situation.
We are mostly Alcoholics, (I understand that this MIP Board is open to any and All) .
I feel the painfulness of what you have expressed, and will say a Prayer for you and your entire family.
In Recovery, things do get better, but sometimes they just get different, before they get better.
We are all here to help you with our own limited, little bits of info. you might want to get a copy of the book of AA, to get an understanding of what your husband is going through. There is a chapter dedicated to the Wives, in the Book.
My own recovery began with an excutiating amount of fear, guilt, and shame for the hurt that I had caused others, people that loved me very much, but did not have a clue as to this being a Disease, and a deadly one at that.
Please stay right here and let us know how things are going.
Hi, I'm not the alcoholic/addict. My Husband is, but to better understand what he's going through, that is why I posted something on this board. I've let go the hurt he has put me and the kids through in the past. I've been working my own program, which has helped me alot, especially to let go of that hurt. And I'm so happy he is so committed to his sobriety. I just can't understand why he feels that seeing us will bring about so much of his remorse that he fears it will lead him to drink/use again. Which again, is why I was asking if every recovering A goes through that horrible feeling of the damage they've caused to loved ones, and how they go about getting through that, if they ever do?
Thanks so much for those of you who are so caring and understanding.
It may have to do with that fact that to stop drinking is not enough since drinking is only a symptom. I know when I get back with my family it is just the same ole , same ole,,, we just fall back into the same ole stuff,,, and that leads to more of the same ole stuff part of which is depression and drinking.
The first part of recovery is to stop drinking,, and then the second part is the real recovery work.. the changes in thinking and behavior. And it is early for him... it took me a year before any changes in my thinking could be maintained under the pressure of being with my family and the same ole stuff.
I think it is helpful for alanon people to do their separate self-improvement program. But a marriage takes two people working together. There needs to be changes in both people,, the whole family really, so that the totality of the family dynamics is better. You have to give him credit that he doesn't want to just come back and fall into the same ole stuff. Are you two considering marriage counseling? That may be helpful in changing the patterns of behavior you have as a couple.
There is a saying about a person who does the same things while expecting different results. Hey, I walked down the street, like I always do,,, turned left at the corner like I always do, and then stopped half-way down the block like I always do..... now,, why am I at the liquor store? I thought the liquor store would have moved since I am now sober. We have to do different things to get different results.
love in recovery,
amanda
-- Edited by amanda2u2 at 17:23, 2006-01-19
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Hi, Thank you Amanda! I finally realized this time that yes, major changes in our lives have to be made so that we don't fall back into the same ole comfortable pattern. I'm ready for a move, new friends, new things, everything, a fresh start. I'm definately up for marriage counceling to as well as to continue working my program.
I was thinking of a movie I saw of few years ago, about a family torn apart by Alcoholism and a pretty accuate description of the difficuties and adjustment that needed to take place in order that both adults could come back together, with a little different, but stronger love for each other. And a very new understanding of each others respect for those changes. It does take time and there is a lot of confusion in the beginning.
I personally don't recommend any movies, that Hollywood stuff, but in this case, I feel you might be able to relate to the husbands' confusion. (In this case the woman was the Alcoholic) The name of the Movie was "When a Man loves a Woman" Some might bulk at my recommendation, but it is just that, My own little recommendation to you. I get a sense that you are feeling SO confused right now, and wanted to offer any support - from the other side.
We would all like to know how things are progressing. and when your husband is finished with his Outpatient Treatment, he might also want to join our MIP group here. There is a tremedous amount of very genuine support and caring that pours from so many here.
My prayers go out to you and your entire family, at this difficult time. But on the Good Side, remember, he is Making Great Progress, (as opposed to No Recovery, total denial) sound like those two things are being delt with, and it is a 24 hour a day program in here. With 24 hours being the Record, for all of us. Including some of us that have had many good sober years,we do that with God's help, on a 24 hour basis. (that's where our One Day at a Time, slogan comes from.)
My own marriage took a 6 month period of living apart, gave us both time to grow and change,we were both afraid of falling into familiar negative alleys, so to speak, We did get back together and stayed together for two years. We ended up eventually going our own ways, because we had moved to the Pacific North west, where he ablsoluting loved the new envirornment, and I cound not overcome my homesickness, I had to return in Sobiety to my own children that were both starting college. They had a good life with their father in California, but I was plaugued by feelings of guilt. Children leave the nest, the nest does not leave the Children, and I could not handle those heavy rainey days (about 310 per year of the Pacific North West. He has remarried three years ago, and we are still good friends. There is a lot of hope and to quote MLK, "Keep HOPE Alive", for youself and family, hope for a new happier life together for you both, and your children.
love in Recovery, Toni
I want to add a P.S. When i was Detoxing from Alcohol, i was just doing that, Detoxing, and anything that came out of me was really confusing, even to me. God bless!
Thanks so much. In regards to When a Man Loves a Woman. I have seen the movie. We watched it years ago. I should try to find it again and watch it. Although I do remember the guy in there always feeling like he had to fix everything for Meg Ryan, but in our case, I wasn't always trying to fix him. He took care of us, when he was sober of course (he's a binge drinker) so it'd be few and far between sometimes. Now, at the end of his binges, he'd end up coming home, and then I'd nurse him back to health, but while he was that way, I was like "get the hell away from me"
I stayed home with the 4 kids and worked part time over nights because we were so involved in their lives and their sports. We sacrificed so that I didn't have to work a full time job. He coached and was a board member last year for our youth football.
But yes, I have learned a great deal about what he goes through. It's just been confusing on the different things he says while in his early stages of his treatment, and how sometimes he doesn't remember saying all of it. From what I hear, this could be his dry drunk stage? I'm not quite sure I really know what this is???
But the most confusing is his tremendous fear of coming back to our home state. He fears this more than anything, other than his fear of seeing us and relapsing again because of the guilt he's feeling about being away.
Thanks again, for all your input. It's very very appreciated.
When I was Detoxing, I was so full of fear, fear that I could never make it WAS ONE of the Big ones, somehow, in Detox, we hear, and some of it gets thru, (I emphasise Some of it) but we look around us and see true progress in others and start to feel, a glimmer of hope for our own messed up lives, that we have created, and the new information about this being a Disease, not a Moral issue, helps. When I began to realize i was suffering from a disease, like any other Disease, i could get the Concept of putting the Disease in remission with Treatment, and theTreatment Plan was simple, Go to a meeting, get a Sponsor, Work the 12 Steps in AA Recovery, it was a big order, but if i could see it as a way out, and understand that those people in meeting rooms, had overcome this horrible Disease that I now Owned, then I could begin to see, listening to some of the stories, that were really much worse than my own, and would hear people say things like "if I could make it back, then so can you." I started to believe in myself, little, by little. With God' help, I give Him the credit for my Recovery, and I have not had to go back and pick up a drink in over 15 years.
God Bless You, you are really an amazing and loving wife that is asking all good questions and hope we can continue to help!
A 'dry drunk' is when we don't drink but we still go through all the thoughts, feelings and behaviors that we do when we are wet drunk. It sounds like your husband is trying to avoid that. Dry drunks are when we do the same ole stuff even tho we are not drinking. The confusion we go through in the intial phases of recovery are just that ,,, confusion. If we don't do what we usually do,, then what do we do? we don't know yet.
About both spouses, or more than one family member being in the same group,,, including this one,,, sometimes that doesn't work. We are affected about who is going to hear or see what we say and how they are going to respond. Her husband may not feel comfortable coming here and need his own space.
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
