yet to be done. Elite's post created a bit more urgency because I've been waiting for assurance or maybe a guarantee(?) that "them and others wouldn't be hurt". I contacted the fellowship in that country for support so that I can start and then hand it back to HP for review and suggestion. "Place me where you want me...tell me what to do" is my conversation with my HP. I need information about departments and people and records if they exist because the law was broken and penalties and fines (I'm sure) were not responded to. I left when they wanted me incarcerated and after they received threats of violence. "Instant Asshole...just add alcohol". I am responsible and want to make it right. Patience time with a bit of anxiety...don't want to stir up the old pain and hurts others went thru or may have gone thru. Experiences welcomed. Mahalo (((hugs)))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 10th of September 2013 03:40:12 AM
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 10th of September 2013 03:40:42 AM
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 10th of September 2013 03:41:36 AM
Maybe because it's early, but I'm not sure I understand this post Jerry ... with my simple mind, I can't seem to put it all together, sorry! ... I'll check in later to see if anything 'clicks' ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Hi,
My first sponsor spoke to me saying, " You cannot make yourself feel better at other peoples expense. "
I rang some bells that cannot be un-rung.
The torching of a car-- to collect the insurance money --- never to repay the car loan --- bought a motor cycle instead.
Jumped bond on a couple of felonies I collected on the West Coast---- Was looking at 3 strikes your out----- Stole everything I could ---from who ever I could ----
Left in the middle of the night---- Ran like hell for 6 years ---- Lady who posted bond almost lost her book store.
The guy and gals I hurt in a physical way ( Beatings ) To much time had passed --- To much of life had moved on --- I could not get relief by grave robbing. Yes--- I was sober now
Yes-- I received the coveted "psychic change" Yes-- the obsession to use and hide and hurt and pillage was removed. For me to go that far back to gain relief for myself was not right.
The list is long. The shame I feel is valid. I own it.
"Instant Asshole...just add alcohol".
My amends today are simple-- At times I find a way to give away money with out getting found out. ( Repaying my thievery)
Being open -- Honest --- and --- Truthful -- ( Stop being an asshole)
Realizing the universe does not center around Toad and how he feels. ( Get over yourself Toad )
Allowing myself to grieve and cry. ( Rather than smash and hate )
Jerry ----The spiritual world which we have entered is fascinating. Some of the decent things I do today get to travel backwards in time and heal in some measure the folks I have hurt.
I can find gratitude in that. ( God doing for me )
Someone once told me --( Don't be stupid honest )
Oh and by the way-- Don't drink ---- works well in keeping the asshole in his cage where he really belongs.
This is the only story I own. More is being revealed.
Ride Easy Brother.
Toad
Hey Jerry,
I think it's awesome that you are looking at some major amends anew. I think sometimes it takes a while and then we are just THERE. I look forward to hearing how it all goes! Thanks for the inspiration.
I have made amends in the past that I would not make today. It was right for me then; would not be so now. My higher power carried me through the first one. They were both grateful and gracious but warned me not to continue because they feared for my safety. I ran their advice past HP and it was agreed; the amends for that part of my life was done. I too had to leave the country for those amends.
Yeah you do know Toad and I am grateful for your reply, the wisdom and guidance of your elder sponsors and the amends you do today. I also live that way along with the memories as you do of what it was like then and my part in it. I understand cognitively and see the picture you offer me with your first sponsor's words. And I have to look at it that way also. I hadn't looked at it as making myself feel better and at helping my victims feel that it wasn't their fault. My last major amends was to a father and son I had violently attacked. I knew that they didn't know what caused it and that they would be concerned that it was their fault. They relived that attack for 22 years until I showed up with my amends. Because I was born and raised in our disease and I was also victimized and blamed and because I always wondered; until I got into recovery and counseling, what was and wasn't my fault I knew that this family and others would do the same. It took me two 5200 mile round trips to finally finish it and when I did both father and son said that they would never imagine it happening. Both answered my phone call as if it were the afternoon of the assault. They were still living it. The amends set them free of the burden of "what did we do to deserve that"? which was how the son answered my call as a grown man at 34 years of age. I learned from my own experiences as a victim and an out of control alcoholic If the resentments I take can be toxic...so can the ones I leave.
My former sponsor have me a caveat regarding amends and it was simple with high contrast. "When ever you discover that you have made a mistake with all possible go back and correct it".
I know intuitively and intimately that my Higher Power is in on this one with and for me and for my victims. I've been led back to it ever since I recognized what the program is all about...the walk, not the talk. For me this is a do thing and not a think to do thing and when I do it my experiences become more real as does my recovery and what I pass on to others...sponsees or not, is real with real consequences.
Mahalo Toad for understanding. I'd like to hear more.
Below are a few suggestions from the Big Book which I am sure you know about.
These are good guiding principles, but it is my experience that prayer and a good discussion with a trusted friend are invaluable in finding a path forward.
I cannot find anything in the book that says this step is about making ourselves feel better, in fact there is a high risk that it will be painful, uncomfortable and inconvenient, but we are told to expect that.
There is only one reason we do this. It seems to be essential in order to find a spiritual experience which in turn will bring about recovery from alcoholism. Our sole purpose is to develop a conscious contact with the God of our understanding, and this is all about doing His will for us to make things right where we can.
"Now we need more action, without which we find that "Faith without works is dead." Let's look at Steps Eight and Nine. We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends. We made it when we took inventory. We subjected ourselves to a drastic self-appraisal. Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past. We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves. If we haven't the will to do this, we ask until it comes. Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol.
The rule is we must be hard on ourself, but always considerate of others.
Although these reparations take innumerable forms, there are some general principles which we find guiding. Reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience, we ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be. We may lose our position or reputation or face jail, but we are willing. We have to be. We must not shrink at anything.
Usually, however, other people are involved. Therefore, we are not to be the hasty and foolish martyr who would needlessly sacrifice others to save himself from the alcoholic pit.
Before taking drastic action which might implicate other people we secure their consent. If we have obtained permission, have consulted with others, asked God to help and the drastic step is indicated we must not shrink.
Jerry, I am sure you have much experience with this step. I really posted the above because this step is so important, and I can take advantage of your post to highlight this stuff for the many others who will follow this thread. But also, I hope there is something in it that you can use.
Hi,
Tears are flowing as I type.
My trust in you Jerry, and the willingness you have to shoulder -- Your -- responsibility in matters is valid. It goes way beyond the norm.
It enters the spiritual world. Bill spoke of entering the 4th dimension ---- The world of the spirit.
I need to weep a bit now. The Grace of it all is overwhelming.
Deep in our inner most self ----- the scent of Freedom ----
You ain't alone
Toad
WOW, ... the power of this program and way of life is nothing short of astounding ... Great shares Toad and Jerry ... ... ... ((((Toad)))) ((((Jerry)))) ... (Tasha taught me that) ... love youse guys ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
It was pointed out to me that the step says "wherever possible" not "whenever possible".
Many of my amends were not from seeking out the ones I have harmed, but my HP guiding me to them...
My HP created opportunities for the amends to unfold and for me to take captive, in the wherevers...
in the grocery store, at a gas station, at a family event, etc.
When something was really bothering me, I went to my sponsor and sometimes he suggested that a verbal amends would not be necessary, or beneficial to either party. He would say, "for that you make a living amends" A living amends is made in the change by which you now live your life on a daily basis."
To amend something, means to change, alter or modify it, to take it out of its original status and bring it under a new status.
I was a thief, today I amend that each day by not stealing, I am honest.
I was so reckless that I did many things that could and should have resulted in me going to prison, and if I owned that stuff, in the legal arena, and ended up in jail or prison in early recovery, who would have paid my child support, provided for my children, met my financial obligation to an ex wife? They would have suffered, as a result of my self centered amends, and as such it would reflect that nothing in me, that my spirit was not amended (Changed). I would have still been ol' self centered me.
I ran up more financial debts than I will ever be able to pay back in a life time. I will never make as much as I once owed to others. Today, I don't buy what I can't pay for, and if I say I will repay something I do. Another way my living amends is made is that when I see someone is truly struggling, and that they need help, I do not give them a loan. Loans do not help someone get out from under the burden of financial distress, it just makes it deeper. I give to them what I reasonable can that will not take away from my creditors, family, or other financial obligations. In short, they get whatever I have to offer without any strings attached.
One situation, which I do believe had and would have continued threatening my sobriety and/or serenity because I was unable to live comfortably with myself leaving it unattended to is in my story on the speaker video I posted yesterday, regarding the police officer. My sponsor was very very useful in helping me cross that bridge when I didn't think I could. He showed me how to make an in road towards it, and it turned out to be one of the greatest spiritual experiences I ever have had.
Jerry, I don't know what you are up against, but I will tell you what my sponsor once told me... "do not ask for or seek forgiveness from others, for that which you have yet to forgive yourself for." (don't ask from others, what you have yet to do yourself). He was right, for when I tried to do that, they all turned into bouts of greater depression, self loathing, self degrading, low emotional bottoms. I struggled enough in those area's and didn't need any help or assistance. As I embraced my HP's forgiveness, and was able to forgive myself, I was able to start putting things in a much better, more spiritually lighted perspective and then proceed accordingly.
Today, I know if there is a amends that needs to be made, the "amendment" will come before the approach.... the change, the modification of behavior, thought, and attitude. Then I am making a living amends, and that is what I can present... not how sorry I am. And my HP will guide me to "wherever" it needs to be made. Right time, method, and person(s).
Here is how the 12 Steps were summarized for me.
Step one, we are introducing you to your disease, the mere untreated alcoholism.
Two we are introducing you to a variey of people, places and things that are likely a power greater than yourself, that together can be the strong arm of your recovery.
Three, we are introducing you to the God of your own understanding, not selling you ours, but helping you define or re-define your own.
Four and Five, we are introducing you to YOU. For outside your name, those in early recovery, know much about what they are, and little about who they are.
Six and Seven, what is discovered about the change needed in the "who" is often outside the scope or ability of AA, therapist, clergy, science, medicine, etc, so we guide you right back to God... Entirely and Humbly... He can do what we can't... (you, I or "them")
Eight and Nine... is where we start stepping out in faith, and begin the process of introducing the new man or woman to the world in which we live, crossing many old bridges on that journey. Some are stable (go get r done!), some are shaky (be cautious)and some should not be crossed at all. (Find a safe way around it)
Steps 10, 11, 12... provides us with a means to ensure that the old man or woman doesn't ever return.
Through this, we find much of the freedom from the bondage of self and true spiritual alignment with the Universe.
John
-- Edited by John on Wednesday 11th of September 2013 03:01:49 AM
You see it clearly Toad...It is the Grace...the mercy and margin we have been allowed to have so that we can stay and make it right and help others that they might not enter the doors we have to pitch black rooms that seemed to have no light, no windows and no way out. Grace...How sweet the sound...
