24 years last week and for the pass 4 years I been engaged in alcoholic behavior the (ism) lying, cheating not being honest . This is all passed me now and I have made some amends the problem is forgiving myself it was hard to see how easy it was for me to be that addict again without alcohol or drugs. what was I getting out of it ? I knew if I did'nt stop I was going to use again. I been trying to let it go but it keeps haunting me daily. I been talking to my sponsor going to meeting just need to find a way to forgive myself and move forward . I don't like what I became.
Welcome rhood....I know for myself....I didn't like what I became either. I had to work those steps...In order....As laid out in the Big Book. I wanted what these guys promised....And they gave me clear cut directions to show me pricisely how they did it. It's a process....And in that process...I learned to forgive myself...The way I look at it....If God can forgive me....Who am I not to forgive myself.
I felt the same way, like crap. I kept listening to "The Promises" at the end of the meetings and believing that they would come true for me. I felt a lot of relief after finishing my 5th step. I did it twice, once with a sponsor and also with a Priest I knew that was in the program. Not taking this in a religious direction, it just worked for me. Working the steps, and building a "Sober Identity" changes us mentally and spiritually, we become a different person. We no longer feel attached to the guilt of what that drunken person did. Sure we are responsible for the "wreckage of the past" and work to make amends where we can, but the awful feeling about what happens goes away for the most part. We forgive others and we forgive ourselves for being human and a sick alcoholic.
24 years sober I did the steps again last year but my alcoholism kept me from seeing the truth in me. After all I was not drinking or using so now could this happen
24 years sober I did the steps again last year but my alcoholism kept me from seeing the truth in me. After all I was not drinking or using so now could this happen
There aren't many questions I haven't been able to find answers to in the big book....I'd start here...And read through to page 88....See if you are missing something.
It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. "How can I best serve Thee - Thy will (not mine) be done." These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.
Much has already been said about receiving strength, inspiration, and direction from Him who has all knowledge and power. If we have carefully followed directions, we have begun to sense the flow of His Spirit into us. To some extent we have become God-conscious. We have begun to develop this vital sixth sense. But we must go further and that means more action....
The common theme with folks of our vintage falling of the wagon seems to be we won't work with anyone. I pay close attention to this stuff because the outlook for us if we fall is usually pretty grim. You know the passages in the book..nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking......perfect and enlarge spiritual life through self sacrifice and service to others...staying in fit spiritual condition...a price has to be paid...the destruction of self centredness... You are obviously on the right track.
On forgiveness, we can forgive another their wrongs to free ourself. But if their is no contrition, no corrective action on their part, we would be a fool to trust them again. There would be no miracle of reconciliation From that, logically, if we ever want to be able to live with ourself, we must not only forgive ourself but, by way of contrition,take corrective action. This might look like. Trust God, clean house, Help others. The miracle of reconciliation will be that we are as one, with the God of our understanding.
I only have 18 years, but I can share my ESH on 'The Drift'.
For me it starts as a little thing. Some little thing I know I should not do. I gradually choose that thing over my relationship with my higher power. Since I am a drunk of the powerless type, I need a solid conscious connection with my HP. As time goes by and I keep closing other things over my HP, I'd find myself drifting.
It always gets back to that. Lack of power has always been my problem, and there is one who has all power. I need to keep my dumb ass tightly connected to him!
I hope you find what is causing your drift from being the person you know you need to be. The answers are in the book.
Peace.
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"I spent a lifetime in hell and it only took me twelve steps to get to heaven."
"Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you."
on the subject of 'forgiving oneself, I think Stepchild said it best: ... It's a process....And in that process...I learned to forgive myself...The way I look at it....If God can forgive me....Who am I not to forgive myself. ...
It was nice seeing you post, keep coming back ...
God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I'm 24 years sober. I did the steps again last year but my alcoholism kept me from seeing the truth in me. After all I was not drinking or using so how could this happen?
I agree with Dean: There's only one common denominator that prevents us from moving forward, and that is "pride". But we can't do so until we uncover our true motivations. That's the only way our lives can evolve.
Take my situation for example: I'm a perfectionist, and because of my disability I often find myself overly critical. That was until a good friend gave me some sound advice, he said: "write it down". So I made the usual list, not leaving anything out, and when I was finished he asked "why" do you feel that way? My response: "I have no clue". Then, he said: "Now, we need to find out why".
What I quickly discovered was staggering: I became my own worst critic. And what was equally astounding was how deeply rooted those emotions actually ran. Eventually, it became clear as day: I was covering up my past. And the only way I could move forward was by letting that all go. So, the next time I find myself over worked or underappreciated, I need to write down 'how' I feel and 'why'. Then I can substitute the usual negativity with something more powerful, like a positive anecdote. That, in turn, can lead me to a place where I'm no longer angry. And what a relief it was, knowing "I did nothing wrong". I can be just as successful as everyone else, and do so without regret. I hope you can do likewise. Onward.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 7th of September 2013 08:34:16 PM
