It's a well known fact that I'm a bit slow on the uptake, but I've never understood that passage in the stories section of the big book where "acceptance is the answer to all my problems..everything is as its supposed to be" I shudder when I hear it and I guess that's because I have only ever heard it used as a cop out.
Examples include an intergroup so dysfunctional as to be completely ineffective in its 12 step role. "it's just how God wants it, He'll fix it in time, no need to do anything" never mind the alcoholic who is not hearing the message we are supposed to be carrying.
A meeting where one drunk and two dry drunks put on the most incredible indivdual performances, nothing to do with carrying the message, in front of newcomers and two medical students. The chair did his best, but the group did not support him... acceptance is the answer, never mind what message we are sending to the newcomer and our future doctors.
In these and countless other situation where my conscience tells me I ought to take some action, many old timers trot out the acceptance is the answer line, which to me seems a form of denial.
Of course this line is not part of the program, it's just the opinion of a single individual, but are we misunderstanding what he meant?
Go back to page 14 where Bill says "These were revolutionary and drastic proposals, but the moment I fully accepted them, the effect was electric. There was a sense of victory, followed by such a peace and serenity as I had never known."
On reading the previous page we can see that Bill had already acted on at least, what would be today, the first 8 steps, so acceptance for him was not a passive thing. Full acceptance meant he took action to address the problem, which is a lot different to just acknowledging that it exists. He accepted Ebby's proposals by acting on them.
Another example on a more earthly plane. I am driving in my car and notice I have a flat tyre. If I acknowledge it and drive on I have in effect denied there is a problem. If that acknowledgement is acceptance, then I will also have to accept that the cost of driving on will be a munted tyre.
If I fully accept I have a flat, I will stop and change the tyre and the problem will be solved. If this is acceptance, then it is the answer to the problem.
So what message should we take from this? Does action demonstrate acceptance? Does inaction demonstrate denial?
-- Edited by Fyne Spirit on Monday 2nd of September 2013 06:59:31 PM
That is what the serenity prayer is for. Acceptance is only one part of three spiritual tools there. So...I kind of think acceptance is the answer doesn't mean to not be part of a solution or change. It's a tool for me not losing it. I accept there are dry drunks and wet drunks out there that could screw up the message of a meeting. That's just reality. Whether to change it if I can or to have the wisdom to know it's pointless is a bigger challenge but in the end, these are the tools AA has given me to live a better life and to not be angry, upset, and constantly perturbed. It all starts with acceptance and (just like in our steps) then action follows. Just my two cents...plus I realize I falter in my efforts here too and need you guys to help keep me on track.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 2nd of September 2013 07:30:50 PM
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I had a lot of trouble with that passage at first. I have since come to understand that acceptance, at least as it applies to my alcoholism and m sobriety, simply means that I accept the truth about what the situation really is - basically, that I stop bullshitting myself and get honest. It doesn't mean that I have to like everything, and it doesn't mean that I ought to do nothing when something bad is happening.
Example - during years three through eight of my sobriety, I worked at a job that started out OK but eventually became really unrewarding and unpleasant. I then wasted more than a year griping about how they ought to fix the developing problems with the company and get things back to the way they were. But until I stopped kidding myself about it and accepted the fact that the owners really didn't care about the problems (they were still making a ton of money and felt no pressure to change or fix anything), I just stayed there, stuck in a job I now disliked, filled with growing resentments. Once I got honest about the fact that this whole situation was one of the 'things I cannot change", I saw the truth about the action I ought to take - I got willing to update my resume and soon found a much better job.
Great post. IMO, the misapplication of the "everything is as it is supposed to be" is annoying. Often given as glib advice when someone else is suffering or an excuse for inactivity.
I agree with acceptance being the key. But to me acceptance is accepting my powerlessness and this new way of living. I had to accept so many things in submitting to my HP and the AA step program. But.... In following the program of AA, I found freedom and life in that acceptance and submission to my HP. I accepted, and it was revolutionary !
There are terrible tragic things happening in this world, nerve gas, rape, murder, incest... Those are not things as they ought to be. I feel that a universal application of that section of a truth, as if it is a stand alone statement, is an error. But I do not need to win an argument over it. It is one of those things that is pertinent to my sobriety. Kinda like, take it if it resonates with you, pass on it if it does not.
Either way, peace.
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"I spent a lifetime in hell and it only took me twelve steps to get to heaven."
"Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you."
But to me acceptance is accepting my powerlessness and this new way of living. I had to accept so many things in submitting to my HP and the AA step program. But.... In following the program of AA, I found freedom and life in that acceptance and submission to my HP. I accepted, and it was revolutionary !
Thanks Joe, ... THAT pretty much says it all for me too ... ... ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Our experience does show that surrender,honesty and accceptance are a major part of our 1st STEP.When I took my first step toward recovery I remember that I just wanted the pain to stop, the insanity of what was going on in my life for the previous 25 years and based on all evidence from trying everthing to remain STOPPED I was finally admitting I was defeated. There was no way I could continue to pick up and not book my ticket on the Downbound train.These early principles were pretty unnatural for me .Denial kept me from surrender,my lies and deceit kept me from honesty and it wasn't until the final ACCEPTANCE of what I was, Alcoholic ,was I able to realize I needed to find a new way to live or die..The ACCEPTANCE of my addiction was something that was even beyond my conscious admission for sometime ..There were still always those "well maybe if.............The ACCEPTANCE was the real hope in my Recovery(daily)it reenforced my surrender in turn reenforcing being honest with myself.I am a believer in taking action though like in our 3rd Step.where WE make a decision but its not a magic bullet,it is an action step where although there is no uniform way for all individuals to put into place some for me were continuing to develop my understanding of my Higher Power(same ONE I always had but the relationship was changing,a prelude to our 11TH)my extended efforts to relinquish control(I thought I had)and by working the remainder of my steps,over and over and applying them in my daily application guided by my Higher Power,whom I do call God.All taking action . I truly believe ,With God ,all things are possible,but if I choose to become a rocket scientist, I believe God would have me working toward that goal,take the action, go to school,study ,do the work...WE accept the dilemma honestly and take positive action..ACCEPTANCE leads us to recovery,WE lose our fear of the unknown as we are set free..For me,I accepted my life and addiction as what is was and became willing to do whatever necessary to remain free,even doing things I didn;t think I would ever do and didn't even like doing .For years I also debated(only in my mind)the ACCEPTANCE of my addiction and continued to take the action,by doing the work,application of the Solution and giving back to the best of my ability to remain free ,a day at a time, and for me,in that situation I would be demonstrating denial that there was a way to recovery and by inaction I was choosing to continue on to the same.......... After almost 3 decades of being free from active drug addiction(Alcoholism)I have long accepted What I am as I say "'I am an alcoholic named Mike "......,always reminding myself,that if I don't remember what I am first ,who I am is not going to matter,based on my own evidence...The line is thin ,there are times for me when my inaction also represents recovery through the spirit of God that shows God's light in me and other times when I feel action is the call.We can carry the message in silence as well as in action.Kind of reminds me of some spiritual writings that I enjoy that tell me'" you have faith ,I have works,show me your faith without your works and I will show you my faith by my works.". I believe action or inaction can both demonstrate acceptance or denial in many different given situations..The ACCEPTANCE for me had to truly be an inside job, to this day sometimes inaction is the best action I could take(but I dont believe it is denial)..My stuff..Thanks Mike good brain food....
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Funny story about 'acceptance': Years ago I was at a very large speaker meeting in Los Angeles and the main speaker was asked to speak on the topic of 'acceptance'. She seemed a bit distracted and annoyed right from the beginning of her share, and after a couple of minutes she stopped, drummed her fingers on the podium for moment, and then resumed, and said: "You know what? I'm in a lousy mood. My motorcycle broke down AGAIN while I was on my way here and I just had a big argument with my partner an hour ago. And by they way I happen to know Doctor Paul, the guy who wrote that story in the Big Book that keeps getting quoted about acceptance, and he only wrote that stuff to make his wife happy. So accept THIS !!!" And at that point, she flipped off the entire room with both middle fingers. And guess what happened? Everybody immediately laughed and cheered and applauded. When the crowd quieted down, she then said it felt great to get that out of her system and went on with what turned out to be a really wonderful story about alcoholism, acceptance and recovery.
I do understand how this passage can be interpreted the way that you have. I interpret it differently but I am not suggesting that I am right to do so, only that my interpretation works for me. For reference:
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
This passage is important to me but is not used as a stand alone; it must, for me, be used in conjunction with the serenity prayer. By way of an example: Human trafficking bothered me. I accept that human trafficking goes on in the world. It is however, something that I can do something about. So I got involved. So in this sense, I didn't concentrate on what needed to be changed in the world but what needed to be changed in me and my attitudes. I went from complaining impotently about the state of affairs in the world to becoming part of the solution. What needed to be changed in me was my attitude that someone else would fix it - or that it would just go away...or that the situation couldn't be changed.
Life's terms don't mean, to me, that everything will be as I wish it to be - it simply means that if I want to change something in the world, I need to get active into service.
I was thinking along the same lines as PC with the serenity prayer. You are correct IMO, acceptance can be used as a cop-out to never drum up the courage to change what we can or putting the effort into working toward being wiser regarding what we can change and what we can't.
Very early in recovery, accepting whatever is going on might be the best we can do.
Guys like you and I have the wisdom and experience to help make significant changes at the group level and beyond. It's up to us to share our experience and suggest improvements and set expamples. A new person or someone with even 5 years sober could almost never make an impact. I've seen and have been part of a number of changes, so I know it is possible.
The above said, I never like to see or hear about these "performances" around newcomers, but I truly believe that God will help them retain what they need and discard the rest in early recovery....If they are looking for a reason to leave AA and go drink they will find that also.
The saddest think to ever hear is a "longtimer" in AA say he doesn't go to meetings because he doesn't like the content or the way groups are being run anymore. So the person with the wisdom and experience and influence to change a group for the better decides to leave?? I don't beleive that to be God's will for me. We need to never stop caring and trying.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
It was explained to me thus.
Acceptance is the answer. Not the solution.
I accept the things I cannot change. I cannot change facts. Fact. I am an alchoholic. Fact I did bad things. Fact others were hurt. Fact some others can't or won't forgive.
Then there are things I can change.
I am an alcoholic who doesn't drink alcohol. That's a major change and I accept the outcome.
I can plan and work to change me. That's all. And I have to accept that the end result may not be what I thought I wanted.
Put it this way. I heard tell of a member who's car got paint strippered. Acceptance og the factseant he didn't stamd giving I don't believe it. He saw the fact and took action. Cleaned off the car. Made a police report. Had the car repaired. Accepted that no one was ever caught. In other words accepted the facts. Took action. Accepted the outcome of his actions.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
It was explained to me thus. Acceptance is the answer. Not the solution. I accept the things I cannot change. I cannot change facts. Fact. I am an alchoholic. Fact I did bad things. Fact others were hurt. Fact some others can't or won't forgive. Then there are things I can change. I am an alcoholic who doesn't drink alcohol. That's a major change and I accept the outcome. I can plan and work to change me. That's all. And I have to accept that the end result may not be what I thought I wanted. Put it this way. I heard tell of a member who's car got paint strippered. Acceptance og the factseant he didn't stamd giving I don't believe it. He saw the fact and took action. Cleaned off the car. Made a police report. Had the car repaired. Accepted that no one was ever caught. In other words accepted the facts. Took action. Accepted the outcome of his actions.
WOW BB, ... what a dynamite share ... you said what I would like to have shared but couldn't find the right words ... Excellent. IMHO ... ... ... ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Yup - I just wrote about this in my thread where Tips questioned it. I can say the serenity prayer. Accept that something crappy has happened. Ask God to help me/guide me into action. Accept the outcome is in his hands. Accept all of my feelings around the crappy thing that is unacceptable to me, accept I may not do it right, but I take actions using step 11 and to the best of my ability move on to healthy thinking for me - for you - and ultimately, to be as useful to my HP as possible. If I'm all pissy and cranky constantly - I'm not good to anyone. So acceptance MUST be the answer to all my problems if I want to carry the message that I've accepted here in the 12 step land.
Thanks for the topic - good thread for me : )
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I guess the bigger question would be: How do we accept things as they currently 'are' instead of how we 'like' them to be? And how does denial fit into the equation? Good question.
In my opinion, acceptance and sobriety are equally important. I've learned the precious art of 'letting go', which by all accounts has made life that much easier. It's only 'when' we overstep our boundaries that trouble usually follows. So why go there. Besides, the last thing anyone needs is another resentment.
I also understand how frustrating life 'could' be, knowing we could prevent certain things from happening. But as you already know it's not always that simple. All that worrying will lead us nowhere and it's only through acceptance that my serenity flows.
For me, serenity began the day 'after' my last drink. I finally understood what A.A. meant by the word "powerlessness" and how that applies to every situation and not just alcoholism. I had to admit that I was powerless over everyone and everything, and sometimes over myself. That's how I practice acceptance, today.
I also learned that everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, and to learn from them as well -without any outside interference, including my own. And when we apply that same principle in step 1 to every powerless situation we encounter, then we can understand the word 'serenity' in its simplest form. And that's how we remove ourselves from any sticky situation.
So to answer your question: Yes, their right. The key to my serenity is acceptance. When I am able to distinguish between the things I 'could' change versus those I 'can't', those problematic situations that haunted from the beginning began to lose its power over me. And what followed was this incredible feeling of peace. But "acceptance" doesn't mean non-involvement, like condoning or even ignoring certain behaviors. No. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it... and in some situations it's how I practice acceptance.
I hope this helps. Onward.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 7th of September 2013 11:41:39 PM
The above said, I never like to see or hear about these "performances" around newcomers, but I truly believe that God will help them retain what they need and discard the rest in early recovery....If they are looking for a reason to leave AA and go drink they will find that also.
The saddest think to ever hear is a "longtimer" in AA say he doesn't go to meetings because he doesn't like the content or the way groups are being run anymore. So the person with the wisdom and experience and influence to change a group for the better decides to leave?? I don't beleive that to be God's will for me. We need to never stop caring and trying.
I understand your thoughts on this, but I am not sure we can always be certain of the effect of these "performances". I.ve read some real good stories of off the wall AA meetings on this and other sites and I'm pretty sure I would not have been attracted to them any more than the person posting was.
But there is something I have noticed in my new location which may be more than coincidence. In my old town with the dysfunctional intergroup, AA's access to hospital detox patients is heavily restricted. By that I mean two AA speakers are allowed to attend a single facility once a month. That's it.
Where I am now the first thing that struck me was the unity among the groups. They really do practice "I am responsible". We have meetings and pretty much free access to all the detox hospitals. There is tremendous cooperation with the medical fraternity.
I love the meetings here, but they do make sure the meeting stays on message through their preambles and group consciences.
Apparently, the groups in this area accepted some time ago that they had got off the page a bit, and took action to put it right. They are not frightened to take a group inventory. The result has been that the mesage is carried very effectively.
In my home town it would also be accepted that some things are not what they should be, but no action is required as things are just the way they are meant to be.
Absolutely, we should never stop caring and trying.
Mr_David wrote: The key to my serenity is acceptance. When I am able to distinguish between the things I 'could' change versus those I 'can't', those problematic situations that haunted from the beginning began to lose its power over me. And what followed was this incredible feeling of peace. But "acceptance" doesn't mean non-involvement, like condoning or even ignoring certain behaviors. No. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it... and in some situations it's how I practice acceptance.
I hope this helps. Onward.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Wednesday 4th of September 2013 02:55:50 AM
Thanks Mr David, it certainly helps.
The purpose of my original and subsequent posts is not so much to express an opinion but to stimulate and and hopefully improve thinking and understanding around the subject, having seen such broad interpretations of this principle.
"The key to my serenity is acceptance" is an interesting proposition, but to understand it we would need to understand what serenity is. Some consider its a smooth, untroubled feeling, a buzz if you like where we are unaffected by the turmoil around us. Sociopaths experience this as well.
Another view is that is is the inner peace that comes from knowing that each day we have done our best to carry out the will of our Higher Power as we understand it, even when it has been painful and disturbing for us. We are never powerless in these situations. It's just that we use His power rather than our own. We pray for His will for us and the power to carry it out. The first example we usually experience is the 4th step. It is not usually a pain free process, but we have accepted that it is necessary for our recovery so we get on with it.
