The crickets enticed me into some late night peace.
As I lay and stare out the window of change, the dark unknown is not so scary anymore... just interesting. There are moonlit images resting on hopes and dreams; starry clusters pointing out wonders not forgotten; reflective eyes that see me... so I'm real!
I'm happy to be a part of my life a little more each day. It feels like I'm slowly slipping into it, like a ballroom dress and sparkly slippers, that only stay alive until midnight... reminding me to make the most of each day, and that life truly is meant to be lived - just one day at a time.
I visited my mother for her birthday today. The kids were so well behaved and it tickles sometimes when it's this good.
It was my birthday a week or so ago, and when she called to wish me well, I said "Thank you Mom, for my life".
What was so amazing about it was that most of my life I spent blaming her for my misery. Most of my life, I hated my life and myself... and her... so I thought. But that seems to be gone for good! What a revelation!
There were some things that sang to my heart like the chirping of the crickets tonight... when I took a moment to listen.
The first was that because it spilled out of my mouth unexpectedly to thank her... I must really truly deeply, under all the fluff and stuff, really love my life. Sometimes I had wondered if it was all just a big phooey of another thing that wouldn't last... like the latest diet trend... or the newest hottest superfruit. But this recovery through the 12 steps is real - and deep - and wide - and complete.
Then It came a few chirpy nights later... that the forgiveness that I was praying for and working the steps on... was internal now toward her and myself around it. Even though it's been a year since I worked my 4th and 5th step on this, I still didn't have the right frame of mind or forgiveness to do a proper amends to her.... and she was the big one... but I couldn't see how I could do it with so much resentment still lurking deep deep down.
But I prayed about it - and I knew it would come. I waited patiently and faithfully... and here it is... only a year later! Through nothing I really did other than stick around... and keep it simple... I have been given everything I need to move forward with my amends from a place of love and acceptance for what is - and what was.
Today I stayed calmly at the table and watched my mother play with my kids, and eat her cake, and worry about this and that, and stop herself, and busy around with strange mannerisms that the universe would so miss if it didn't get to express itself as 'her' for a while. I'm so grateful I get to see her again. It's been a while. 25 years or so. It's been a long time since I've felt calm around her.
I'm so grateful she gets to see me again. It's been a long wait for her too... I'm sure. I couldn't imagine losing my daughter to this disease so young... but I've been gone from myself for almost all of my life. My thinking was thwarted into this disease LONG before I ever got hold of the alcohol. I was sucked away, and sickened like a hollow shell of myself... feeling hopeless, worthless, selfish and confused... WAY before the addiction pinned me to the wall and ripped apart my life, while I watched in a haze of bewilderment.
I'm glad to be back. I'm grateful the peace has returned. I feel things can only get better from here... no matter what is happening around me. It seems to be that way at least for today... and yesterday... and I don't know how many days before that now...
I'm still bewildered... but only because I know now, that It was all worth it.
This is real.
It's not just a coat of paint.
-- Edited by justadrunk on Friday 16th of August 2013 11:14:54 PM
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
The crickets enticed me into some late night peace.
As I lay and stare out the window of change, the dark unknown is not so scary anymore... just interesting. There are moonlit images resting on hopes and dreams; starry clusters pointing out wonders not forgotten; reflective eyes that see me... so I'm real!
I'm happy to be a part of my life a little more each day. It feels like I'm slowly slipping into it, like a ballroom dress and sparkly slippers, that only stay alive until midnight... reminding me to make the most of each day, and that life truly is meant to be lived - just one day at a time.
I'm so grateful she gets to see me again. It's been a long wait for her too... I'm sure. I couldn't imagine losing my daughter to this disease so young... but I've been gone from myself for almost all of my life. My thinking was thwarted into this disease LONG before I ever got hold of the alcohol. I was sucked away, and sickened like a hollow shell of myself... feeling hopeless, worthless, selfish and confused... WAY before the addiction pinned me to the wall and ripped apart my life, while I watched in a haze of bewilderment.
Wow Tasha, ... you DO have a unique and intriguing way of expressing your thoughts ... I couldn't sleep tonight and that is odd for me, so I thought I'd check out the board and see if anything was up ... The night here is VERY unusual cause the temp. is in the low 60's ... mid-August and it's like Fall already ... for middle Georgia, that just never happens ... and I have the door open and the crickets are so loud it's incredible ... so you hit home with me tonight with your description of what you were seeing and hearing ...
You made the comment that your 'thinking' was thwarted into the disease long before you ever got to the alcohol ... hummmm ... I know what you're saying but I tend to think that my 'thinking' prior to my intro to alcohol, was simply 'misguided' and without a good 'spiritual foundation' ... after coming to AA and working the steps, I feel that the 'missing element' in my life was the lack of spiritual guidance and it is here in AA where I found a power greater than me that I never really knew ... and with God leading the way now, I only strive to do His will, which means to try and do 'right' in all areas of my life ... and with that, there is NO room for alcohol ...
Would I have still become an alcoholic with the proper 'spiritual connection' before finding alcohol ??? ... I don't know the answer to that question ... All I can tell you is that my parents had alcoholism on both sides of their respective families but their 'religious convictions' were stronger than most anybody's I've ever met ... (don't ask me why it didn't take with me back then as a kid, I cannot answer that one either) ... it was so strong, that neither of my parents ever drank a drop of alcohol because they felt it a sin ... so even though they carried the 'gene', they never 'activated' it ... so do we call them alcoholics ??? ... who knows ??? ...
I guess my point is that I was 'spiritually sick' and alcohol took advantage of that and took me to new lows ... very near death ... and since being in AA and finding out I was sick, I was given new life which included being healed spiritually ... and I feel that when that happens, all kinds of problems, both mentally and physically, can be healed ... and I think that 'stinkin' thinkin' doesn't always include alcohol, but alcohol always includes 'stinkin' thinkin' ... so there ya go ... this is the way it went for me ... SO, I ain't sure I was 'alcoholic' before I put alcohol down my throat or not ... am I making any sense here ? ... it IS late and my two brains cells have wandered off again ... I'll try to find them later on this a.m. ... LOL
God Bless,
Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Wow, Tasha. That's a lot of stuff to take in. And to think you spent all this time praying for some sort of breakthrough. Now its happened. I can't wait to see what tomorrow might bring. I hope it has a happy ending just for you. Onward.
You let us stand with you like spirits disconnected from you early life yet allowed to watch as you point this scene out and that one. The transparency of it all is graceful with a whisper now and no further echos from grunts and screams that accompanied your journey here. The weight of it all is left in the past far behind you yet you know where it lays and how to drag it still the choice is change today and yesterday and the yesterday before it. This is no longer an act or an attempt to struggle thru and old scene on a small familiar stage. You have no desire to sit within the audience and watch that play just as I balked at watching mine. A while ago you were handed a different script as you mounted that stage to act out the part which remains with the weight; back there and the whole play is different and still it is real and deep and wide. Watching the old play is familiar. Watching the new scene is exciting. Mahalo for allowing me to attend. ((((hugs))))
I'm going to the cabin next weekend and plan to do the amends there, hopefully at sunset - it's so beautiful over the water, and as the sun goes down for it's rest... I hope too, I will finally put this season we've had to rest and move on to a new and colorful sunrise : ) I'm looking forward to it. Thank you my family of choice here at MIP for guiding me up to this point and helping to get me here. I appreciate all of you so much!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Good for you Tasha ... you've grown by leaps and bounds since you first arrived ... you are a great example of why I stay with the program ... there's just something about seeing another alcoholic come and learn to stay sober, and beyond that, to find a spiritual meaning in life that will provide them with an enriched life while here on earth ... Col is another great example of growth when everything seemed so bleak to start with ... I love this program and I love all you guys ... thanks ... ... ... and God Bless ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
