Something I heard in a meeting today got me thinking. The speaker who opened the meeting was a rough looking gentleman with a wicked sense of humor. I tend to be drawn to these types, and generally listen very intently when they speak. He mentioned that early in his sobriety, his sponser suggested he practice telling himself "I love you". He cracked a few jokes about this, but was very serious about what this actually means. It bothered me- quite a bit, actually. My own sarcastic and sometimes caustic 'sense of humor' starts in about how ridiculous this is, and how this guy must be cracked (all in my head, of course, as I smile to myself). I'm still thinking about this as I leave the meeting and head home. I look in the mirror to fix my hair and sarcastically say " I love you"... But it came out in a very derisive manner. I try again, and realize I cannot do it. Not sincerely. Over the past 14 months, I've learned to tolerate myself, and have learned the basics of self- care. But love? I don't know. I grew up in a household where 'love' was not a theme. The actual word 'love' makes me uncomfortable. My family ran on anger, hate, resentment, and open abuse. I went to school and the kids picked on me relentlessly. I learned that I was not lovable. During my stays in foster homes, I learned that I was a paycheck - well, that was my perception. I tend towards being very cynical. This is masking a deeper sensitivity and naïveté and vulnerability that I've also always thought of as both a weakness and a liability. People that get to know me often comment on how 'sweet' I can be 'underneath' it all. So why am I afraid to let the softer sides of myself show? I don't need to be all walled- off anymore. THAT is a revelation to me. So, if I can figure this out... And figure out that if someone says something that bothers me I need to pay attention to that and explore it a bit further, then I guess I'm making progress. So maybe it's not too late to find out about this love thing.
I can relate Col. I think for the first while in sober I was incapable of love and certainly dd not understand what it meant. It was beyond my experience. Coming from a British family, we didn't show emotion, and having failed to develop emotionally due to alcoholism, I couldn't anyway. I often say back then I wouldn't have known a real emotion if I fell over it.
But the Book promises to put us in touch with a Power that will solve all our problems if we will work the steps and stay in fit spiritual condition. And that's how it has worked for me. My emotional character has been restored to something near normal, about as good as I can hope for. I have and do experience love in many ways. I probably have some self love, but I don't really understand what that's all about. I can't find reference to it in the program, so I don't think it's that important. In fact love, as it has been shown to me, is a very selfless thing, so self love in a way seems a contradiction. I often think the St Francis prayer says it all.
Wow, Wow, Wow, ... ... ... Col, you just touched a 'big' nerve in my overall growth here in AA ...
This reminds me of the time I shared about my drinking causing me to lose the ability to love ... at my bottom, I had lost that emotion toward anything or anyone ... and I certainly did not love myself, in fact, I hated and loathed myself ... I found it increasingly hard to even look at me in the mirror ... I even succumbed to spitting at myself in the mirror caused I hated who and what I had become ...
My sponsor pursued this discussion after the meeting ... (meeting after THE meeting) ... cause it was still all new to me and he knew I was still having a big problem here ... he asked when I did my 3rd step if I really believed it and meant it ... I said yes, this time I do, with all my heart (the heart of a dying man) ... then he asked if I felt that I was part of God's creation, a child of this creator? ... I said yes of course ... then he asked if I thought God loved me? ... I said don't be silly, of course God loves me ... then he asked if I thought I was better or bigger than God Himself? ... I said that's a crazy question not even worth answering, of course I am not bigger or better than God ... then he nailed me ... he asked that if I felt God's love as He loves all His children, then why can't I find it in my heart to love myself, His creation? ... he said I need to learn to love myself enough to create the 'desire' to do God's will, to show God this love by taking care of myself so I can then be of use in helping others ... he said that when I truly understand this type of love, then you get an overwhelming desire to be of maximum service to the one who is responsible for my existence ...
I walked away with a whole different attitude about self love ... and I have gone on to enjoy the love and smiles of those that I had a little part in, in their recovery ... my love today includes prayers for others that need an extra bit of help with life from the guy upstairs ... and you know what? ... it works ...
Today, I love me for being a tool to help bring others to know what 'life recovery' is all about ... self love the way I see and show it, has nothing to do with self importance, and everything to do with self humility ... ... ... did that make any sense ??? ... I'm not very good at explaining this kind of thing!!!
Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
It's all growth and progress, you where at a meeting doing something good for you. I think that is a step toward loving/being kind ourselves.
For me it started with not hurting myself anymore. How can I love or even like someone who is killing me with alcohol and other destructive behavours?
Working on self via the steps to improve us and getting our house in order, I think is a action in loving and caring for ourselves. Even the process of getting out of self and growing a interest in others helps us feel better about ourselves.
It honestly took me a couple years to get really comfortable with and liking the sober me. At this point I totally lost any interest in alcohol and wonderful statement from page 85 came true.
We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.
__________________
Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Thanks for the feedback! I guess the best way to approach this new territory- or the only way that seems to make sense to me- is to show whatever rudimentary concept of love that I now have towards others. I figure if I treat others in a caring, compassionate, respectful manner maybe that old broken record of critique and judgement of self will quiet a bit. I dunno- just a thought. It's difficult to focus on how unworthy I am when thinking about others. What you said, Pappy, about the 'if God loves you' is something I've been thinking about lately. Like- if I sincerely believe that my HP spoke to my soul on my last night of drinking (and I believe that more than anything I know) and has given me the strength needed thusfar, then why is it such a stretch that I may NOT be the piece of crap I've always thought myself to be. And another thing? Why do I treat myself in ways, and say things to myself that I wouldn't ever treat someone else. I have more respect and care for others than I do for myself- like they deserve it and I don't. Yet, I've cared enough to not drink for over a year so I must care on some level... Whether I like it or not lol.
-- Edited by Col on Friday 2nd of August 2013 10:40:32 AM
I grew up in a regular home with patents who had married in 1939 and were still together when they passed ... but I usually FELT no better than a foster child.
I shared at the meeting last night that I will be 70 yrs old next birthday and it's damn near time I decided what I wanted to be when I grew up .... and do it !!
I didn't have a happy childhood but I've certainly had a long one :0)
When you decide what you want to be when you grow up Bob, let me know ... I might want to be the same thing when I grow up ... I'm only 9 years behind you ... LOL
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I know for a fact that I hated myself enough to 'end it all' when I was drinking ... once, I put a 'cocked' 357 magnum in my mouth and was ready to pull the trigger ... all chambers loaded with magnum cartridges ... one shot and the whole back of my head would have disappeared ... (I've seen pictures, and it ain't pretty) ...
Similar to your experience, I heard a voice of reason asking me who would find my body and what would happen after that? ... ... ... I thought maybe my 14 y/o might be the first, then thought of my wife, or perhaps the neighbor would come over and find me after hearing the shot? ... I thought of the mess I'd make and the amount of work it would take to clean up ... then I thought my family would surely have to move after such an event ... Then I thought what if it's more cowardly to kill myself or to keep on living the way I was ... then I called and asked my wife at work to come take me to a rehab center ... my first one ...
Ya know? ... after my last drink this time, it did take me a year before I learned to start loving myself again ... it took practice for me ... I needed the help of others to coach me along the way, just like we are here for you, but after a time, I did notice that I was gaining the ability to love again ... and that included the ability to love me again ... I have been so close to death, that I don't even fear it now ... I consider each and every day a 'gift' ... and if I'm to meet my higher power tomorrow, then I win ... either way, as long as I don't drink or use, I win ... what do I win you ask? ... all I'm going to say is that the 'Good Book' has a set of 'promises' too ... and I have learned to look forward to those promises just like I do the ones from our Big Book ...
Love you dear, more than you realize, and God Bless you, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Hey Col,
It always sends me through the roof at how much the program brings to our lives. The greatest part of the program to me is how easy it is for you to at least respect the "new" you. At most to "love" the new you. Whats not to love? A humble person of integrity, service and passion for the truth. I hope the next time you look in the mirror, you give yourself a smile and a wink!
Tom
__________________
"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
