The more time I spend with myself sober the more I feel like I am connecting with a beloved old friend that I have not been in touch with since the day I found out I could drink away my anxiety. Unlike a lot of people, I really liked the person I was when I was a teenager. I wasn't cool, but I was big hearted and loved the world. I was kind and empathetic; I was sensitive and really appreciated music; and I used to spend an inordinate amount of time in my head contemplating the good things and the bad things about life.
When I started drinking heavily I immediately began to change. People started to annoy me, I developed a false sense of confidence, and I started to believe that when I was drunk I was the "real" me, and that anyone who was going to judge me was not worth my time. Within a year of heavy drinking, I had turned into a total son-of-a-bitch. I started saying horribly judgmental things about people behind their backs and continued to develop extreme levels of egomania. I also developed the extreme individuality symptom.
The worst part was tricking myself into thinking I was brilliant. Despite being a so-so student who barely read, I thought that my drunken idealism gave me an unusual perspective of the world that allowed me to "see" things in a way that sober people couldn't. I had the audacity to think that I was the sanest person I knew and it was the rest of the world that was nuts. I remember literally wondering what was wrong with people who would rather bear their pain than just drink it away and have good conversation.
Meanwhile, I was engaging in ridiculous and incredibly risky behavior. At best, I was humiliating myself on a regular basis. All the while, that guy I enjoyed being so much as a teenager drifted further and further into the darkness, as did his friends and family. I was either drunk or incredibly hung over and at one point my stomach got so bad that I had to go to the doctor. I of course lied and said I didn't drink, and so the doctor diagnosed me with a stomach bacteria that he felt was giving me an ulcer. For a week I washed antibiotics down with booze.
For the past five years or so I just became sneaky about my drinking. I like to think that I learned how to behave better or "mellowed out," but the truth is that I just hid it better. I passed out regularly without my own partner knowing I had even been drinking, and when I was home alone I would drink throughout the day. I developed complex systems of drinking that involved filling mugs with wine, pretending vodka was water, quietly chugging beers while bent down in the refrigerator, and creating "mixed" drinks only the color the liquor.
For the last year or two, I would pray every time that I would wake up hungover in the middle of the night. The longest I went without a drink was 8 or 9 days, but I wanted to be sober. A friend of mine decided to become sober and posted on Facebook he had not had a drink in 30 days. At the time, that seemed like an incomprehensible eternity of miserable sobriety. I remember thinking I could never do it.
Now I'm at 170 days and I continue to feel great. Every day I thank God, feel proud of myself, and count my blessings. I feel like the luckiest person in the world much of the time because, despite having to confront my anxiety, I KNOW that I am not going to wake up hung over and hating myself tomorrow. I KNOW that I am not going to spend the day regretting having said or done something stupid. I KNOW that I won't ever have that horrible, horrible feeling of blacking out and trying to piece together memories - as long as I don't pick up.
The best part of all of this is feeling like I am getting to know myself again. It's like the part of me that was so genuine and big-hearted as a teenager is once again re-emerging in bits and pieces. I have grown with wisdom and experience, of course, but I feel like I am shedding the shitty dead skin of the monster that I had become under the influence of alcohol. And I really, really like that person who was held hostage for so many years.
Anyway, most of you have probably already read this narrative in small chunks before, but thank you for reading it again. The more frequently I type it out and talk about it, the stronger and more stable I feel.
Now, I'm off to have a small bowl of Cheez-Its before I hit the sack.
-Adam
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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
When I started drinking heavily I immediately began to change. People started to annoy me, I developed a false sense of confidence, and I started to believe that when I was drunk I was the "real" me, and that anyone who was going to judge me was not worth my time. Within a year of heavy drinking, I had turned into a total son-of-a-bitch. I started saying horribly judgmental things about people behind their backs and continued to develop extreme levels of egomania. I also developed the extreme individuality symptom.
The worst part was tricking myself into thinking I was brilliant. Despite being a so-so student who barely read, I thought that my drunken idealism gave me an unusual perspective of the world that allowed me to "see" things in a way that sober people couldn't. I had the audacity to think that I was the sanest person I knew and it was the rest of the world that was nuts. I remember literally wondering what was wrong with people who would rather bear their pain than just drink it away and have good conversation.
Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity...
BB pg 62
They say in the book our liquor was but a symptom. It amazes me that this group of drunks in the 1930s not only nailed the causes and conditions for this illness we suffer....Then came up with a solution to solve it....But that they were kind enough to put it on paper and save this alcoholics life.
I love your posts Adam. Mostly, your posts in the last couple of months have an underlying theme of "I'm free now!" and that means free to do all kinds of things and it also means free from more than just alcohol (free from the bondage of self). It's wonderful to see the promises working. Just being free to have these thoughts, revelations, and to have the clarity to compare "new me" with "old me" is such a great thing
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Wonderful post Adam!! An incredible journey back to yourself!! I think I had a similar form of becoming this other person under the influence of alcohol. What I started losing was presence. I was no longer present in my own life and the lives of my loved ones. I was a shell, empty person, watching others living their lives, while I was losing myself. I hated that lack of being there. I finally became sick and tired of being sick and tired. I became willing to go to any means to get sober. And an amazing thing happened, I became present again.
I had lost myself in this alcoholic haze, every drink became a new journey into depravity, that I do not miss.
Keep writing your story over and over and over, remind yourself and time will add up!!
Happy 170 days...looking forward to the continuation of your story, your journey, because after all, it is all our journey!!
