AdamMoz wrote:

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but I feel like I need a better and more lasting solution.

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I've only seen one that works.

Remember......

There but for the Grace of God go I....Again.

AdamMoz wrote:

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what used to bond us now fiercely separates us.

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 This is a key realization. You are separated from them - mentally, spiritually, philosophically.

What I did was to be physically separated from them (drinking family). First 80%. Then 90%...

I still worry about a little when there are command performances, like weddings, funerals, Thanksgivings, etc. 

Being around drinking family in drinking situations is higher than normal risk.

 

Also, the Living Sober book has some good advice on your matter.

Adam,

This has worked for and against me at times....but more for me: When I am around drunk people or people pushing drink on me, I make a blunt but transparent statement like "Yes, I don't drink and its because drinking ruined my life completely and it's now getting much better now that I have been sober." Personally, I will talk up AA and how great it is just in what it has done for me because those things are true. I don't think I've ever told anyone else THEY needed to go to AA without them coming to me or stating they had some drinking problem or thought they might.

So you said you don't mention AA to them because you don't want to make a big deal of it. I absolutely see the logic and value in that, but you have an option. You can make a bigger deal out of it. Me being in AA is a BIG part of my identity. It's too hard for me to hide from inlaws or other folks that drink or drink heavily even. The fact that I am as active in AA as I am, is like a "Like me, like my AA" kind of thing. It is a big deal. It's the biggest deal in my life and I'm not afraid to tell that to anyone really.

Hence, it's become a boundary - I don't demand other people not drink around me ever but when they go "So why don't you drink?" or "You mean you won't even just have 1 or 2 with us?"...that is when I often say "Alcohol messed up my whole life. When I drank I could not stop. I crashed my car drunk. I had dry heaves every morning. I was sloppy and thoughtless and not a good person when I drank. It almost killed me." That is just my choice and what I do. Then they often ask if I am in AA after that, since I painted a pretty clear picture of an alcoholic and I will typically say 'Yes I am in AA and I love it and it saved my life."

They can make whatever they want from that. I don't worry about "making a big deal" but it is an appropriate "big deal" to me. Make sense? Some of your inlaws might transgress over that line from heavy drinker to alcoholic and, when they do need help, if they knew you were in AA, that would make it easier right?

Again, these are choices. I don't know if this will work for you....and clearly Anonymity is a HUGE part of the program. I sacrifice mine frequently cuz it's too hard for me to just not let it be known that it's a part of me that just is....It's not to different from me than being gay for me. I spent a long time hiding and being ashamed of that too. I suspect my "outness" about my sobriety and being in AA also has something to do with that. I have to be transparent most of the time. It just suits me better.

For me, I had to avoid all social settings which involved old drinking buddies... Family is a bit more challenging for most, I think. I can identify with your post here on many levels. For me, working with booze and being around people drinking while at work certainly triggered many of the feelings you described. I wasn't angry as much as annoyed. It took countless Serenity Prayers and talks with myself about passing judgement to get over that feeling of annoyance and disgust. I didnt miss drinking, per se, but it was a challenge to be surrounded by it while trying to make a living. In tge end, I think it helped me to better understand my own drinking, and how absolutely abnormal it was in relation to many others 'normal' relationships with alcohol. I felt such a sense of relief when I got sober. I accepted that I couldn't drink, and that if I were honest with myself I never really could. It was very difficult for me to realize that, although I preferred to drink alone, all of my friendships were based in a barroom. I was very isolated. When I became sober, I told my mother immediately. She was, and continues to be, very supportive of my sobriety. My brothers, who I have a very distant relationship with, I have not seen since becoming sober. I generally do not see them more often than once every few years, but when we do get together we seem to need a lot of booze to make it remotely comfortable. They know that I'm sober, but I do not think they realize what that is, exactly. Over the holidays I was invited to several get togethers at my eldest brothers house. My sister in law is quite possibly the sweetest woman on the planet, and she offered to 'not drink with me'. Although I appreciated the sincerity of the gesture-I had to decline. It was simply too soon for me to see my family without that old common bond of booze. I feel for ya, and admire your strength and resolve. Remember that if it gets too tough, you can always take a break from the in-laws :)

For some of us, our current views/feelings on this type situation took years to attain ... don't rush things ... you'll know when you're ready to tackle this situation ... just stay in touch ...