Somethings not right. Life has abandoned me. the world smells different today. the food doesn't taste the same. The video games are no longer fun. The sun saps my energy. The world is a corpse. The living dead. an echo of what once was. I have moved on. We have moved on. Sometimes when I hear those old songs I think that maybe I died a long time ago. Life. Life has a way of fucking with you. Like the world I grew up in was just a dream. It seems so long ago. In any case, its gone now. gone forever.
OCD is a mother fucker. Its like that guy in the back of the bus that wont shut up about his day. You wish he would just stop talking but he doesn't. he just yaps and yaps and yaps, and every time you stop the bus you hope that this is his stop. But he never gets off. he never shuts up. He smells bad. he's walks to the front of the bus and talks in your ear, spitting while he does it. His breath smells bad. like something that died 3 days ago behind a Wal-Mart dumpster stall on an august night. alcohol silenced that prick. She shut him up.
And with one mother fucker gone, came the bitch. She came into my life. She made everything feel new again. Like the red light district prostitute, she would make you feel good for a price. She told me she loved me. She told me she hated me. She promised me happiness and then took it away. No matter how many times that bitch fucked me over, I kept coming back. No matter how many times she lied to me, I let her back in. No matter how much she took from me, kicked my ass and got me in trouble...I couldn't stay away from her. It was LOVE. We were bound by blood.
Everyone in my family hated her. She was rude to my mother. She lied to my sister. She took from my father. She hated my friends.
She had a reputation. If I was stopped by a cop, and she was in the car with me there could be a problem.
I tried to write her off. She would call me a loser and then go. But after a few days went by, she was sorry again. And I would forgive her. Things would be different this time. She promised. I believed her. It was Love. Love lost long ago.
I haven't seen the bitch for 205 days now. She calls me every day and leaves messages. Saying she's sorry. Saying she's changed. Saying she needs me. saying she loves me. saying she can shut the fucker in the back of the bus up forever. I do want him gone...
All he does is talk. all he does is worry me. He brings up subjects that need to stay buried. He reminds me of life. Life. Life causes illness. Life causes cancer. Life causes problems. Death? Death is clean.
Great post, Robbie. Your struggle sounds just like my relationship with alcohol at its height. I think you'll find that most, if not all, of us were seeing the same prostitute that you were in some form. I'm sorry you are suffering so much, but I think you are at the point a lot of us reach when we decide that we have to let go and yield to something bigger than ourselves in order to escape the darkness. As a former avowed atheist, I get it. I am not Christian, but my journey has led me to a place of believing that the universe is a lot older and wiser than I'll ever be, and certainly a lot more capable of making miracles happen. I used to think I was god. Now, I feel like I am a child walking around the world's biggest library. My HP has punched me in the face trying to get my attention for years by saving my ass when I repeatedly made stupid mistakes and bad decisions, and put my life in danger. And you know what? It took a lot of pressure off of me. Any Buddhist/psychologist/yogi/whatever that focuses on cultivating happiness will tell you that one of the key foundations of finding peace is letting go of our bullshit egomaniacal beliefs that any of us has any real control in the universe. You seem like a really smart dude. I don't know if you have ever read William James, but he was a philosopher who writes a lot about the concept of "the sick soul" that needs to be saved. It's worth google searching at the very least because it makes me think a lot about myself.
Anyway, be well.
-Adam
-- Edited by AdamMoz on Tuesday 16th of July 2013 05:53:51 AM
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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
That bitch you're talking about...Sounds like my relationship with alcohol....I had to remove that from my life....Permanently. Then I had to learn to live without it.
I'm a little slow here. Trying to figure out the symbolism and the mystical magical writing. Seems like you have fun with words, thoughts, feelings, and humor.
Also sounds like you have some big bad dark demons. Well, AA/MIP may be the place for you to start finding the life in your life again.
A few days back you posted that you weren't suicidal, then you post death is clean and life is not fun anymore.
Hmmm, I think I know some people who would have you 51/50ed by now for observation and safety concerns.
Hold on Robbie, whatever it is, someone in here has had similar or the exact same thing happen to them. That's why these meetings/rooms/places can be safe ports in the storm of our lives.
Try listening to direction. Try listening to other life experiences. Try coming clean with yourself and your demons.
I don't know you, but I love your attempt/quest for clarity and understanding. At least you are asking questions about how your life is going. That's better than remaining in the dark.
Clarity and understanding for me is AA and sobriety. I do it day by day. Along with millions of other people in this fellowship. The knowledge that you are not alone and millions of people love you because you want to get better. I had to go to any lengths to get rid of the "bitch". I had to deal with that "man" on the back of the bus. For today, the "bitch" is not here, and the man in the back of the bus has no choice but listen to me----my God/HP is in charge, and that man who keeps yapping is nothing compared to God's love, understanding and forgiveness. God cleans the slate, then it's up to live to live differently. Or, you can still struggle, millions of people choose to do that also.
Saw my brother this weekend, along with several neighborhood friends. Out of the group my brother is still "out there'" He was surrounded by four life long friends and family who live sober lives. We all love my brother who continues to struggle. He knows the program is there. Three booze rehabs, two meth rehab, few divorces, child he gave up for adoption out there, a couple stints in prison, no regular job or transportation, lives at parents home at 56, health issues, dental problems.......still, we in AA believe that if he finally got the program his life would get better.
Hope you stick around Robbie. I like reading your posts. I hope this fellowship can help you if you need it.
Step one looked like this for me: I'm powerless over alcohol. My life is unmanageable with it or without it. I feel so bad I want to die.
Step two looked like this for me: Somehow by coming to this message board and going to AA meetings I can stay dry - I couldn't do that before, so that's a power greater than me.
Step three "...": I don't understand how people can believe in God and I do not believe in God... but I don't know how the universes got here... so my HP is the fact that I don't know. It's beyond my understanding, I'm not capable of understanding it, so I'm coming to believe that there is something bigger than me that I don't understand. Hence - I will often now say "MY HP I do not understand". Even my story about dust to dust didn't hold up, so once I got here and got honest and was able to at least say I don't know... my program took off, and that's all I needed for a HP to get along in AA.
Thanks for the share Robbie... and thanks for being a little more gentle here. I tell my children almost daily, that we treat others kindly and gently not just for the OTHER person, but for OURSELVES - that we may feel good about ourselves in doing so, and that because I love them so much, I want to see them being kind so they can feel good and have a good life.
Could you imagine if someone would have told you that every day as you were growing up? I can't. But I get to live my childhood over again vicariously through them, through this program... and through all the people here and everywhere that I love. I get to see right before my eyes... the benefits they get from choosing to follow through with kindness at all times. I get to see how lovely children can be when they love themselves, and are loved. It's never too late to be a child again and start over - and love that inner child in you - who plays with words so amazingly - like you've demonstrated here. Who just loves to be creative and insists on having fun amidst even the most dreadful times.
It's nice to be able to see you a little bit. I hope you will keep coming back to see... that it is safe here. The real you is breaking in there... buried... but buried alive.
It's an honor that you have begun to trust us. Thank you.
-- Edited by justadrunk on Tuesday 16th of July 2013 01:57:13 PM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
That was a good representation of my relationship with alcohol also.
Robbie: I don't know how old you are but I sense you are struggling with finding purpose in life. For me, the alcohol was only delaying this inevitable and painful growing up process. You have to dig deep and find the meaning in your life. You did not just get sober to please your family. You got sober to be more functional. You will accomplish more things, but it's scary as hell to figure out what those things might be. This is why we've all been hounding that it will help you to tap into the spiritual side of the program. Your hope will come from your HP - your ability to see opportunities and be okay with the path you are on will come when you nourish your spirituality. Don't cling to darkness and depression and milk it...that will just make you some fatalistic annoying gothic teenager-like type. Life is challenging but exciting. You are young and sober and have the world in front of you. You can do whatever you want now. Enjoy your freedom and work on thinking positively rather than taking a bath in your own negativity.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I know all about that guy on the bus. If that's not bad enough, the fucker keeps wanting to drive.
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The sway of alcohol over mankind is unquestionably due to its power to stimulate the mystical faculties of human nature, usually crushed to earth by the cold facts and dry criticisms of the sober hour. ---William James
That's where I was after leaving that 15 year abusive relationship. We leave it messed up and hurting. We need to learn how to live again. It's hard. And a lot of it isn't pleasant.
But it gets better. Maybe not at 205 or 305 or 405, but it will.
And dead is never better. Dead is just dead. No joy and no turning of the page to see what the next chapter will be like. Just dirt, ashes and tears.
You can go mad if you like. Maybe you need it. Go mad, go bad, go sad, but just don't pick up, and then one day it will all be better.
Step one looked like this for me: I'm powerless over alcohol. My life is unmanageable with it or without it. I feel so bad I want to die.
Step two looked like this for me: Somehow by coming to this message board and going to AA meetings I can stay dry - I couldn't do that before, so that's a power greater than me.
Step three "...": I don't understand how people can believe in God and I do not believe in God... but I don't know how the universes got here... so my HP is the fact that I don't know. It's beyond my understanding, I'm not capable of understanding it, so I'm coming to believe that there is something bigger than me that I don't understand. Hence - I will often now say "MY HP I do not understand". Even my story about dust to dust didn't hold up, so once I got here and got honest and was able to at least say I don't know... my program took off, and that's all I needed for a HP to get along in AA.
Thanks for the share Robbie... and thanks for being a little more gentle here. I tell my children almost daily, that we treat others kindly and gently not just for the OTHER person, but for OURSELVES - that we may feel good about ourselves in doing so, and that because I love them so much, I want to see them being kind so they can feel good and have a good life.
Could you imagine if someone would have told you that every day as you were growing up? I can't. But I get to live my childhood over again vicariously through them, through this program... and through all the people here and everywhere that I love. I get to see right before my eyes... the benefits they get from choosing to follow through with kindness at all times. I get to see how lovely children can be when they love themselves, and are loved. It's never too late to be a child again and start over - and love that inner child in you - who plays with words so amazingly - like you've demonstrated here. Who just loves to be creative and insists on having fun amidst even the most dreadful times.
It's nice to be able to see you a little bit. I hope you will keep coming back to see... that it is safe here. The real you is breaking in there... buried... but buried alive.
It's an honor that you have begun to trust us. Thank you.
-- Edited by justadrunk on Tuesday 16th of July 2013 01:57:13 PM
Don't flatter yourself, I don't trust any of you yet. I get bored and I write. Big deal. Anyway there's a fire up at my moms house and there evacuating so I gotta run up, get my dogs the hell out of there and help with anything else your god cant do.
As do I, uncle pappy.