It's hard to swallow for me, that the people who loved me 'the right way' were the people who let me know they cared - but completely left me alone to hit my bottom back in my earlier days of drinking.  I think back now to my drinking, and I assumed that if it weren't for my parents and certain boyfriend/husband, that I would be dead.  That they kept me alive long enough to get this recovery.  That in some ways, I needed to just grow up... literally - get older - to get here.  In my 20's I just wasn't in this world long enough to understand that I wasn't invincible... or comprehend the fact that I wasn't going to live forever.  I'd spring back from drinking escapades, and never got sick from drinking.  Never once puked - ALMOST never got a head ache the next morning.  I know that allowing people to hit a bottom is the goal, but I am thankful I wasn't left for dead anyway.

Then 30 came.  I had been 'off the drink' again for a while and fairly happy.  Was getting back into shape - had gotten into the community - was doing volunteer work - making friends - helping others and neighbors - life was good - above all, I was a really good mom, and I have fond memories of my first 2 yrs as a mom at from 28 - 30.

Then I discovered that my husband had been hiding an addiction from me for our entire marriage.  The loss of trust threw me back into PTSD and a few weeks later I had my 2nd child.  I had postpartum depression didn't know it.  I had no way to cope as always.  It only took a couple months for my alcoholism to raise it's hand and say "hey... don't forget I'm the perfect answer to your problems... I've gotten you through this before!".  I believed it - because I was insane - and I just wanted to feel sane again ya know?  Doesn't that make sense?

2.5 yrs later, my life was again almost nearly destroyed.  This time - I was still not sick, I was still waking up at 6am to do 'life', and I still didn't get a headache.  BUT - when I needed a nap at 1pm... it was different this time.  I had a son who was awake and only 5 : (  I had begun to stop answering calls from my friends and family... and I was letting my community and life slowly slip away.  My marriage was crap.  I didn't want to live anymore, but I didn't want to leave my children with no mother... my mother with no daughter.  I couldn't do that to them. 

I had to value myself and those things enough to give myself a chance at a better life.  A life with coping skills when shit hit the fan.  I couldn't go on just crumbling every time tragedy struck.  I allowed those things to consume and control me until I was so satiated with booze that I needed to be rescued, and though I would get dry and get my life back in order... I always had to fear the next tragedy that would inevitably come as life isn't perfect.

The recent tragedy with my daughter has been awful.  In fact - so awful I did go into shock and I've cried a river.  But it's different this time - with the coping skills and new healthier mind/heart I've gained from AA/Alanon/CODA - I know deep deep down that this will not crush me.  I am not going down that old familiar path I take when tragedy strikes.  Instead of fear, I'm filled with a deep faith that we will learn and grow and strengthen as a family, and individually.  We will help others cope with this some day when we can.  We will move past sadness and into love and forgiveness.  Not today on day 8 - but some day - patience is a reality - and it doesn't have to be today.  It's okay to be who, what, when and where I am today. 

If you are new to this program, or any of the programs - please know there is hope in these rooms.  No matter how far down the scale we have gone, for big reasons, or none at all, we never have to be alone again in the dark and scared again.  Let us love you until you can love you... it helps us love us.

* As I write this, the family sent a note of apology to us.  God is good.