Going to give this a whirl on this board... attempted it on another and am still sad over it. Triggered a deep pain within I'm finding out. I realized through writing here that I have a deep resentment that didn't get worked out in my 4th step. It's at alanon.
In my mind - my pain has been a result of alanon. It failed my mother. It broke up our house. My mom just had affairs due to it - and my dad got even more jealous and meaner and sicker. She of course would never say that she ever cheated... but I'm pretty sure that my brother is just my 1/2 brother.
I suppose it's time to just say it. I am mad at my Mom, and I'm mad at alanon - and I see it failing my husband too. The really sad thing is - I'm conditioned to just put up with it. My parents put up with each other for 15 awful years. My husband was getting better... but only to a degree and then it stopped. Just like my mom. She picked up a few tricks - and then used them to her advantage. When I'm so hurt and being kicked while I'm down... I hear: "I can't make you feel anything". Stuff like that. First my husband said it jokingly. Now it's cruel. And they're right of course - but they can't say they care. They can only hurt - and then use recovery logo's to cover it up. I am mad at recovery logo's. If I'm really going to get real - I guess I have to get honest and say it out loud... and we shall all see where this takes me...
hmmmmm
Yup. I am responsible for my feelings. And even when I'm being kicked while I'm down - yes... it is still up to me to draw from an all loving HP and protect myself from further hurt. To get up - and walk away. Boundaries. Balance. Compassion. Love.
This is a moment of release now for me - It's okay to feel sad about what's happened today and all my life. I'm not a complainer because of this. I'm letting my soul feel the pain a little - hit the bottom it needs to hit... to heal.
So I do want my Mom and my Husband to get better - FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!
He he - this is what I love about 4th step work like this. I get to see my part: Selfish - self centered behavior. Why not me? Why can't I have a mom who's awful. Why do I get to have a loving husband? Why not me? What about those who are all alone - mother is gone, no husband - no family. Is it so wrong to wish for that sometimes? I think it's healthy to think outside of this life - maybe this isn't the life I want after all? How will I know if I don't allow my mind to think about it for just a moment in time? How do I know what my boundaries are about if I can't love myself enough to imagine my life as just me?
They say you have to show your unlovely side: Well there it is. Yes. I do wish sometimes, just for a moment, that I was living in Australia alone, no husband or kids... exploring nature and studying the Earth... my mother on the other side of it.
It's ugly and it feels ugly. But that's okay with me today. I'm that little girls bubble goo... really squishy and drippy... and then someone stretches me through a hole and I poof out as a bubble.... floating away... light and airy - landing on a dandelion and RAAAAAARRRRR the roar of life pops me and I disappear into the ground - hiding behind the blades of grass... hoping no one can see me.
Please don't see me. Please don't step on me.
I will step on myself today. And by the 4th step - I get to start to put me all back together again - to see just how I got this way... so gooey - and squishy - and fragile - and dripping with emotion.
I still want the comforting feeling of being back in the bottle. It's so safe in there... but it's also very very dark.... suffocating... lonely
No thank you - I want to be free from the bondage of self today... so when it seems as though it would be easier to hide the love I have for you - and for myself... and it all seems too hard to be that vulnerable - and when he looks at me, and says "I don't care" it's all I can do to carry on with my heart on my sleeve... for you to see... and maybe even smash again.
It affects everything.
And the theme here as far as my part is, I want others healthy... so my life can be better! Ouch.
But it's not about me is it. And it's not about my stop watch either is it. So how can I proclaim I'm so loving - if all I want for their lives is to be how I want them... so I can be happy? What about them? Oh AND God also loves them just as much as me and I'm not more deserving of love than them...
Where's that second chance... and that extra time and compassion and support and love that I set aside and couldn't offer?? I need a little now... but oops... now I want them to show that to me, but couldn't show that to them...
OOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! ow ow ow ow ow OW
Please God - take my defects of character - and place me where You need me. I need You... thank you for staying with me through all of this pain and selfishness. Thank you for my life and my shortcomings... that I can learn and find peace in You today. Keep my Mother safely embraced tonight. Keep my husband's heart in your hands - let all of my family, children, friends and loved ones of choice here at MIP and in the rooms touch Your hand that is held out so gently - and feel the warmth of Your heart and love.
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
My experience is that some resentments run deeper than others - and some run much deeper than we even realize. So repeating Steps 4 through 7 is not only advisable, but necessary if we're ever going to achieve a modicum of serenity. Venting is a part of Step 5, so I don't think you or anyone should feel ashamed of it.
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The sway of alcohol over mankind is unquestionably due to its power to stimulate the mystical faculties of human nature, usually crushed to earth by the cold facts and dry criticisms of the sober hour. ---William James
Wow!
I know exactly how you feel. I to think al anon is failing my wife. I also want her healthy so it's less of a burden on me to work on acceptance, patience and tolerance. How selfish. It's ok to feel this way. There just feelings. These are things I can't control. I have to trust in God, trust in God, trust in God! I know as a result of my drinking and other things beyond my control she is spiritually sick also. However I have to remember she is not my problem. She is her own problem and its between her and God. All I can do is take care of me so I can be a good example and be helpful. I don't have to own or be responsible for her happiness to make me happy. I can be responsible to myself. I pray that God gives her everything she needs today and try to leave it out of my hands. I find the lower my expectations of her the better I am. I can't fix her and that's a part of letting go knowing you can't do it for someone else. It's been my short experience that if I don't respond to the behavior it takes away the power that person has. Topics that have to do with neutral territory work best. When AA and Al Anon seem to talk together sometimes it's like oil and water and its best to stay on my side of the street. I know my wife used to throw all those phrases around to hurt or control. I just stopped responding or told her that behavior was unacceptable and I was not going to tolerate it. She eventually backed off and now leaves me alone. It's a lot less of us vs them mentality. But it took a lot of kind conversation for her to see its not about who's right or wrong and us vs them. I do know a lot of this for me has to do with self centered fear in a thousand forms. Fear she won't get better and I will have to leave her and go through the pain and change. I hate change. I'm willing to suffer as opposed to change. That's the sick thinking. The disease affects the whole family everyone gets to play. On that note I will try to make lite of our situation with a joke.
What do you get when you put a enabler/ rescuer with a controlling/ insensitive person.
A Marriage!!!
It's ok to feel and get it out I don't have to try to be perfect only make progress.
Hugsđđđ
Wow Tasha, ... S.O.B.E.R. ... ... ... Son Of a Bitch, Everything's Real
Ya know, it's not so awful to image what life would be like under other circumstances, that's just 'make believe', and it is not the way it is ... Welcome to the REAL world ... we aren't kids any longer, we grow up ... that's what happens to us 'One Day at a Time' if we don't die ... ... ... It doesn't matter if Al-Anon or AA is in the picture or not, every person has their own journey and it's up to you and them if you are to be a part of theirs or them a part of yours or not ... doesn't matter if it's our spouse, mom, dad, or friend ... you have to think your way into 'right' thinking, it takes practice ...
One of the hardest things for me to learn in recovery was to 'share' ... ... ... and I don't mean to share my thoughts, I mean to share life with others ... I mean to learn to not take the biggest piece of chicken at dinner meetings, to leave the biggest piece of the pie or cake on the table for someone else to enjoy ... In AA I learned my selfishness went way beyond getting what I wanted, it showed me just how greedy I really was, down to the food I ate ... I wanted ownership of things, I wanted things to go my way, I wanted to be the most clever one, to work other people around, to manipulate them into getting what I wanted ... and to make such a disturbance that they too, wanted me to have my desires ...
I was one sick puppy ... Today I find that when I try to help others get what they want out of life, I happen to end up with more than I ever dreamed of ... amazing how that works ... I don't try to force my idea of what someone else's journey should be, onto them ... only they can decide ... and I let them now ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I'm glad you were able to let it out. The forum can handle it as the responses have proven. I understand being mad at 12-step programs. Your share brought out a feeling that I have shared in the past at meetings and here on MIP.
There was a time when I was mad at AA in regards to my brother. Today, I understand where my anger came from and I also know that my anger was not merited.
My brother had gone out after 10 years sober. He was using alcohol to erase the pain of his failing marriage. He was driving up in the mountains, drinking beers on a regular basis.
He was guilty about this and was ashamed to go back to his home meeting and face up to having to start his sober time over. He got sober after being rolled in a bar, he was robbed and hospitalized. That sobriety lead to a marriage and a couple of children, it was the happiest I ever saw him. Back to his going out and my misplaced anger at AA.
So, he was guilty about going out, and was unwilling to admit it to his home group, and kept drinking.
There was a time when I started to resent the AA-fanatics that were making him afraid to go back-----you can see how wrong I was about this blinded by love for my brother and blame for others.
His drinking and driving in the mountains led to a car accident where he died, 10 years ago, no one else was physically hurt, he crashed into a hillside. An angel, a woman who lived around there, saw him, held his hand for 30 minutes as he passed away, head trauma. She sent us a card/letter written by an angel to comfort us and let us know he was at peace as he left this world.
I resented AA, even though he knew what he had to do to get back on the road to recovery again.....he was afraid of the having to do it again part--(possibly humility), and it cost him his life.
Today, I know the AA fellowship was not the problem. I have worked through my brother's death for a while. I still get moments of sadness, when I watch a movie he and I saw or listen to a song from a band we saw or liked.....simple happy moments mixed with a bit of loss of his physical self. I know he is with me in spirit. I know he is giving me an atta boy for my 8 years of sobriety. I love dreaming and seeing him in there, he is usually a comforting presence.
By the way, my wife does not go to al-anon, and my early sobriety---(to you old timers....8 years is early huh), was tough on her and I.
Thanks for reminding how I felt about AA a while back.
I am touching/holding that gentle hand that God is offering to all of us every moment of our lives. That is enough for me today. That keeps me sober. I feel that warmth and love of God, knowing that you are doing the same. Miracles in Progress...yes we are!!
It's ugly and it feels ugly. But that's okay with me today. I'm that little girls bubble goo... really squishy and drippy... and then someone stretches me through a hole and I poof out as a bubble.... floating away... light and airy - landing on a dandelion and RAAAAAARRRRR the roar of life pops me and I disappear into the ground - hiding behind the blades of grass... hoping no one can see me.
Just as an aside: that's some damn fine writing. One of my all time fave authors - Hugh Cook - would have loved that paragraph. He had that visual - audio way you are so good at. I've tried for years to write like him, and you just step up to the plate and do it without trying. Not bad. Not bad at all. :)
-- Edited by Frodo on Monday 8th of July 2013 09:19:06 AM
and am still sad over it. Triggered a deep pain within I'm finding out. I realized through writing here that I have a deep resentment that didn't get worked out in my 4th step. It's at alanon.
and I'm not more deserving of love than them...