I'm spinning out - as I just got the very worst news I've ever gotten in my life. So here it is: What recovery looks like when the real trauma hits... and actually... I prepared myself for falling apart (as I would have done in the past). I started isolating. I started expecting to shut down... but none of that happened. I am awake and breathing, and back here unexpectedly... and life goes on. It will be okay in the end... I believe in that!!!??? I'm not allowing myself to harm myself by blaming myself for things past. I'm not allowing myself to be mean to me projecting endless possibilities of the future. I AM staying in today - looking at what little positives there are - focusing VERY hard on them - focusing on smiles on people's faces, the things that are okay in my life - I have enough food, clothing, shelter... I'm warm... right now. I know that my HP is ready to take EVERYTHING I can't handle. I am floating in a sea of recovery logo's and just letting myself feel and talk and cry and laugh - and not be ashamed of any of it. Not even the laughing. Sometimes when trauma happens, be it all at once like mine - or little by little... it almost seems like we're not allowed to laugh and be happy doesn't it? How do we figure that one??? I realized today I totally do it! SOOOO guilty to smile and try and make the best of things. It's almost like I MUST punish myself! And the real gifts that are flooding in from all directions are a very steady stream of healthy thoughts and the ability to handle situations which used to baffle me. A TRUE sense that my HP has not left me - that I'm not being punished - that this recovery thing isn't worth it or this wouldn't happen - or that I should just give up on myself. The only time I've thought those things was to acknowledge shockingly that NONE of those thoughts happened this time! My brain is actually learning to function and relate to the world in a normal human fashion - and I owe every single moment of joy in my life to this program. We're gonna be okay.
-- Edited by justadrunk on Wednesday 3rd of July 2013 07:35:39 PM
The sway of alcohol over mankind is unquestionably due to its power to stimulate the mystical faculties of human nature, usually crushed to earth by the cold facts and dry criticisms of the sober hour. ---William James
My prayers go out to you dear, and your lovely family. That's the least I can do given the circumstances. Even though I've been there myself, many of times, I can honestly say, without equivocation, that it does get better. I know; it sounds more like a cliché than an actual response, but it does make a valid point, though: When tragedy does strike, maybe it's time for us to step back.
I'm not referring to giving up, not by any means, but what I am saying is this: We can either use that instinctive reflex for good this time around or we can drown those emotions in a sea of alcohol, like we did before. We choose. You did the right thing, Tasha, by reaching out, so be proud of that. Next comes the healing part: Give it all to God.
The part of us that once said 'I'll never do that' becomes inconsequential once we experience something so tragic, so unexpected, so heart wrenching. It's like someone took the wind out of our sails, literally. But let it be known: 'In every adversity, big or small, there's a greater benefit just waiting to be revealed'. But we must give it to God first. After that, all we can do is wait.
This brings me to another topic: Humility. Okay, I might be a little off topic here, but hear this old man out anyway, okay. I've been walking through my mind lately wondering 'is this it'. There's got to be more to life than all this, right? Well, needless to say, it's got me up nights. I've been so concerned about my future that I forgot what it feels like to live in the present. What you just reminded me of is something I forgot all about during my travels: What it feels like to be alive.
I've been so afraid of everything that I forgot to experience life as it happens, including future events. Well, I guess the future may have to wait awhile, because the present is where I belong. Thanks again for the heads up Tasha; you really brought me back to reality. I'll be praying for you, dear. Onward.
P.S. Emergency first aid kit coming your way.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Thursday 4th of July 2013 02:56:03 AM
Hey Tasha. Prayers sent in a big way. I am not really sure what happened from your post, but I really am praying hard for your HP to give you the strength and wisdom that seems to be needed! Hang tough!
Tom
__________________
"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Big hug, Tasha . Stay strong and I will be praying for you. I'm sure when and if you are ready to share this tragedy with us, you will. Thank you for sharing your sobriety with all of us. You're in my thoughts and prayers- much love:)
Tasha, you are certainly in my prayers as well ... ... ... We're here for you when you want , or need to talk about it ... you have some phone numbers, use them ...
Love you and may God watch over you and yours, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
I wanted to think that if I had not gotten sober - I wouldn't have had to hire the babysitter at all - to go to meetings. I certainly wouldn't have gone back to work outside the home. Maybe then this would have never happened. I felt like she had to pay for my sobriety... and where is God in all of that. Then I decided to take a leap of faith again - and I feel like my legs are broken... and I can't do it again today. But I am crying and crying now... so hopefully the release will help me focus again on God.
-- Edited by justadrunk on Thursday 4th of July 2013 08:01:31 AM
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Tasha - Not much of a consolation but if this had happened when you were drinking (or had you found out then) - you would have not been able to handle it AT ALL and would have made things worse maybe. Of course this was not meant to happen and not supposed to happen but you definitely were supposed to get sober with God's help so you could deal with it as you are.
If God can heal your wounds the way he has, you have to believe he/she/it can do that for everyone else.
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I wanted to think that if I had not gotten sober - I wouldn't have had to hire the babysitter at all - to go to meetings. I certainly wouldn't have gone back to work outside the home. Maybe then this would have never happened. I felt like she had to pay for my sobriety... and where is God in all of that. Then I decided to take a leap of faith again - and I feel like my legs are broken... and I can't do it again today. But I am crying and crying now... so hopefully the release will help me focus again on God.
-- Edited by justadrunk on Thursday 4th of July 2013 08:01:31 AM
Okay Sweetheart, I have read your last few posts and I know you're going through a tough spot here ... BUT, I just cannot figure out what it is your talking about ...
What happened that has you in such despair ??? ... and how can we help you? ... what is it you need ? ...
Pappy
Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Yeah, I'm with Pappy - what exactly is going on? And how can we help??
__________________
The sway of alcohol over mankind is unquestionably due to its power to stimulate the mystical faculties of human nature, usually crushed to earth by the cold facts and dry criticisms of the sober hour. ---William James
Some things cannot be posted on the internet. Know that we are all with you in fellowship. Handling real tragedy in a sober state of mind is difficult to deal with after we have usually drank ourselves into oblivion to stop the hurting. Reality is sometimes a difficult path for drunks. It does get easier over time. Pain will still hurt, consequences for behavior will still have to be paid. The only difference is that we choose not to take that first drink which will lead to depravity. Thank you for sharing. I forget that walking through the reality of life with a sober mind can be the hardest thing we ever do!! But, with a fellowship like MIP and a relationship with a HP can help us through anything. I'm glad to see that we are helping you. And in helping you we help ourselves. We are all Miracles in Progress!! I'm sorry for your loss, her loss, or for anything that befell your love ones. There are more experienced minds on this forum, more active posters, and I do know that they honestly care for all of us here on MIP. It's the fellowship of alcoholism that makes this all possible. One of the hardest lessons, or easiest lessons. Our disease, which brought us all to our lowest points in our lives, has also given us the opportunity and ability to reach out to like minded individuals who know us better than most people. They know us because they know themselves. Losing my brother in a car accident back in 2003 was probably the worst tragedy I ever experienced. Time has helped my grief to lessen, but I had to walk through the loss to get where I am today. I am sober, and that is the only way to be for me. I'm praying for you and yours and me and mine.
Pablomoses! I love when somebody writes or says what I was thinking but couldn't find words for. That's it in a nutshell. Stay sober and strong, Tasha... And if you can't stay strong, stay sober.
Though I know not what has happened, I sense from your posts that you have truly joined the Fellowship of the Spirit, and as a fellow traveller , I know this one thing. It will be alright.
I'm not sure what this is all about, but that line is true. It is so very, very true. The universe is unfolding as it should, and all will be as it will be.
That's the let go let god part. My part is that I like to give things a nudge so I'm sending my prayers and love to you and yours for you to choose how to use it.
Thank you thank you all. YES! I am slowly moving out of shock mode and into some kind of 'pour my heart out to those still suffering' mode. So I am here - I am talking with sponsee's, I am talking with you - with friends in the program - with my sponsor - with my husband - with the appointed people here to help us and so on and so forth. My HP is providing me with people of all kinds, and everything I need - and you my family of choice, are incredible - and I'm so grateful for you and I love yoU!
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I never met a person whose company I enjoyed who hadn't become broken at some point. Without experiencing a great, personal tragedy, one has no need to seek a spiritual solution. Fortunately, those involved have excellent and competent guides.
