Early in Dec. I had gone to a f2f, my mom called and my son, not knowing she didn't know, told her that I was at AA. I was not yet ready to tell her, if ever, she has a way of taking anything good and turning it into something horrible. So, after much thought, and talking with my sponsor, I finally wrote a letter to her on Dec. 30. I wrote the letter as if I were posting on this board so as not to point any fingers at her, because as some of you know, there are still many resentments there. Thru my drinking career my mother was a very big trigger for me. I included in the letter how grateful I am to be in AA, that god has a plan for me and part of it must include me being an alcoholic, it was no one's fault and I truly believe nothing happens in god's world by mistake. I used the tools of AA to help me write. I thought I'd done a good job. Here is her reply I recieved on Jan. 11, 2006.
"Dear Jennifer, This letter will be brief. After reading and rereading your letter of Dec. 30, 2005, I talked to a psychologist. These words were used, since you can't fix yourself, you use God to make it OK you're a drunk. I can't believe you would even go there. I know one thing, God answered my prayer that you would tell me you were an alcoholic. I just by chance learned that you were attending AA. And also your friend was an alcoholic. < (guys, I don't have a clue what FRIEND she's referring to here). I promised myself peace in 2006 and I have gotten a good start. After this you will not get letters or anything else from me. Mom"
I tried to let it go, I've prayed and prayed and my answer was to share it, to give it away! I can not allow this to arouse yet more resentment.
I am soooo grateful I have this board and all of you......thanks for letting me share this.
Hugs to you all, Doll
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* We eventually realize that just as the pains of alcoholism had to come before sobriety, emotional turmoil comes before serenity. *
There are people outside of the program..and that includes, those of family..and others that are close to us..that dont have a clue..what this is all about...
They have their own views and own opinions..and thats as far as it goes..
As much as we would like them to understand..and accept ..and support us ..re what we are doing..its sometimes, impossible..
And we cant change em..
And yes it hurts..and is upsetting..
The only people that fully understand what is going on here..with us..is another alcoholic..
Its that simple... (my thoughts only)
Gotta let it go...
Maybe with time..
We understand..and we love you...
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Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
Oh Doll, How I can relate to your feelings. I remember like it was yesterday writing my heart out to my mother in a 4 page letter... owning up and telling her how sorry I was for all the things I had done... and asking for her forgivness (and love)... she didn't respond. So wondering if she rec'd the letter, I asked her why she didn't respond and she said, "You expect me to respond to a couple lines of bullshit?" I was devastated. However, that was a turning point for me. And though I still have a LONG way to go, it was when she said that, a lightbulb went on in my head. I knew I had given it my all in my letter and that's all that mattered. I knew I was a good person and it didn't matter what she or anyone else thought. It was her issue not mine. She no longer had the same power over me. It is since that I have discovered how deeply my relationship and interactions with her are woven into many other aspects of my life like a spider spinning it's web around and around and around. But I'm trying to break the web down and untangle my life from hers and my issues from hers. Not an easy process but a necessary one.
I have only been on this board less than a month, but your heartfelt, introspective and sincere posts and replies leave no doubt in my mind what a beautiful person you are and what your mother is missing. But it is her choice. It's her issue. Remember you are where you are supposed to be and you are doing the very best that you can... and you are growing everyday. You did something that took a lot of courage and for that I know you will receive strength.
Doll, I'm so sorry you are going through this with your Mom, it's a good thing she has a professional to talk about this with, just as you have us and AA friends. I'm so glad we can bring what is bothering us to this board.
I have been sober almost 21 years and my dear Mom still denies that I am an alcoholic, just as she denies my Dad was a drunk for many years.She becomes upset everytime I walk out the door to go to a meeting, just like she did when I dropped off my daughter to go to the bar.This is her way of staying in control of a situation she can't control.
Remember one thing, today is the only day that we have for sure, so you do what it takes to stay sober, to raise your son the right way...the healthy way and not worry about tomorrow. Mothers , me included, often have to eat our words...just keep doing the next right thing. I'm sorry your son was the messager..how is dealing with this?
When our computers are acting up what can we do , we try, we try, and we try, then when we see that nothing can be done, from our side. We PULL the PLUG. Identical analagy to me at least.
(Maybe with one exception, we do turn our Computer back on .....until they do it again)
Personal, button pushing relationships are different, if they still have any power whatsoever, then we do not turn the machine back on again - it's broken, needs to be thrown out, or sent to the PC Doc. see if it can be fixed. - Maybe the day will come when the Button Pushing power will be gone, and if there is love between you for each other, that is my Prayer for you and your MoM, the only real emotion is Love, the rest of them we fabricate. I believe that.
Thought I would put my useless 2 cents in here.
Hope you are Enjoying The Mountains.
Putting our Sobriety Before Everything, at all times keeps it Real Simple.
Wow, it hurt just reading it. Those words stung. It's so much easier to tell someone those AA slogans but so hard to tell them to ourselves. Isn't it amazing when we look at our parents, who we looked up to for so many years as if they have the answers to everything, and realize that we have grown WAY past them. That we comprehend so much more than them. And that they don't realize how sick, ignorant and SCARED they are. Sometimes when I am with my Mother I have to imagine i'm dealing with a child.
Anger is ALWAYS Fear. There are no exceptions. There are 3 kinds of fear:
1.Fear of loosing something you have.
2.Fear of not getting something you want.
3.Fear of the unknown.
Those pictures you posted are so beautiful I felt choked up just looking at them. Go outside and take in some more God. And PLEASE post more.
Well I am sorry, that must be tough- I can't imagine what psychologist would claim that AA's "use God" to excuse any of our character defects or alcoholism- If anything, we seem to hold ourselves to a higher standard after coming to AA- Most of us behave with much more integrity than we did previously, and most of us work continuously on right actions and being of service-
But all we can do to people who would decry AA is to be the best examples of recovering alcoholics that we can be!! There is no sense in debate-
Thank you all so much. For replying, for caring, but most of all for understanding. I took my butt to TWO meetings today, and got what I needed. I am learning expectations of others can be heartbreaking. Just once, just one time, in my life I so wanted her to be supportive. She doesn't have to understand, I don't need her to, I just need her to be supportive. I guess I should give up that dream. It's been 39 years and it hasn't happened yet. Won't hold my breath.
Thanks again.
Big Ole hug!
Doll
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* We eventually realize that just as the pains of alcoholism had to come before sobriety, emotional turmoil comes before serenity. *
wow! gee! It kind of looks like your mom didn't understand what the psychologist said, at least I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, and think he said that AA's believe we can't fix ourselves and look to God to work things out. My mom used to always twist things up,,, I don't know why,,, she really couldn't understand, and she wanted to put her own spin on things. It was really crazy making for a long time. She and my sister used to make trouble by telling others twisted things. I had to just let it all go, and make a space to get and keep my head on straight.
I went to some AVP workshops (Alternatives to Violence Program) and we did an activity that really gave me some perspective on people who respond to me in whacky ways. Through that I learned that people can't give us what they don't have. It is not really meant personally as a real reaction to us,,, but comes from something inside them that they can't handle certain things. My mom couldn't be a mom to me because her mom was not a mom to her. She never felt loved or blessed and she didn't learn how to love and bless her own kids. My desires for motherly love were natural, but my expectations that she could give that to me were unrealistic,,,, she couldn 't give what she didn't have.
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
