Need Advice From You Seasoned AAer's

Mike B. · MIP Old Timer

Need Advice From You Seasoned AAer's

bikerbill · MIP Old Timer

Please don't feel you have to apologise for asking for help....and well done on twenty days.

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Wednesday 19th of June 2013 09:41:42 PM

mikef · MIP Old Timer

Congrats and Welcome to MIP!

WE do whatever it takes to remain free from picking up that first one, OUR demise(as you are aware)You will have to decide if making meetings by yourself is more productive for you. In time,with daily recovery,WE learn to love ourselves again.I agree it is important to keep your focus on your recovery,find a support group(WE always leave the light on here,thanks John!!) I highly suggest listening for a sponsor and get into the Solution,The Steps worked with a sponsor and applied in all areas of our lives.That is the program...Here are the STEPS we took as a program of recovery page 59 Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous..(3rd Edition)Putting down the substance is the beginning of the healing but the daily work that takes place is what keeps us from refunding our misery...There is no need to apologize,WE are here for each other,you admit you are alcoholic a physical ,mental and spiritual illness that permeates all areas of our lives.We lessen our pain by sharing honestly what is going on with us and listen to suggestions about doing whatever it takes to remain free of active addiction...In support and prayer,let us know how its going....Blessings of this day.... www.aa.org/ a place to seek info if not able to make a meeting......Peace..

Alcoholics Anonymous :

www.aa.org/

-- Edited by mikef on Tuesday 18th of June 2013 05:28:29 PM

betterthanyesterday52 · MIP Old Timer

I'll try to make this short....I've been an alcoholic for 30+ years. This is my third attempt in last five years at trying to get straight. I have been living with a man during this time. Thought it was "true love". We are both alcoholics...met in a bar...need I say more? The alcohol has really messed my life up--DUI and haven't driven for 3 years since then and don't have a car, have low income, lousy credit, lost family and friends--he is all I have. I never noticed this until a little while after I moved in.....then I realized that he was more interested in 20-something, early 30-something year olds. I have no problem with a look or two at an attractive woman--that's human, but he keeps turning his head, stares, ogles at women right in front of me.He has been on a dating site and was searching for women within a few miles of our zip code and who are 18-28, and there have been many other things which he has done. I'm in my early 50's and he is 49. It has made me feel so insecure/inferior/downright ugly. My self esteem is so low and when he has done this kind of thing, I drink more and unable to function. When I have quit before and he does it, I start drinking again. This is my main trigger. His father was an alcoholic, and I think he keeps me around because of a mother figure as I am 4 years older than he is.

Anyway, this is my latest attempt at sobriety. This is my 20th sober day. It has been extremely difficult. I have been to AA meetings everyday since my first day. I enjoy the meetings and have enjoyed being sober and not hung over. Since I am dependent on him for transportation and he wants to stay sober too, we go to meetings together. Now his gawking at women has carried over into the AA meetings as there are alot of attractive young women there. I started tearing up in the meeting last night because he stared so much at this one young woman--I almost got up and left. And for the first time, although I didn't tell him I was upset, he walked behind me as we were leaving instead of beside me....almost like he wanted people to think we were not a couple. I was so embarrassed and humiliated, and hurt. I almost fell off the wagon last night because of this, but was able to get through it without drinking. But I am so scared. I really enjoy the meetings we go to and have gotton comfortable there and hate to go to a different one, as he will do this again, as we have to go together. Is there any advice anyone can give me to help me? I know I'm a mess and apologize if this is not the appropriate place to ask this, but I really want to stay sober and get my life straight. But thank you for your patience and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

bikerbill · MIP Old Timer

Get the bus. Walk. Cycle. Make contacts with women and ask for help, lifts etc. Get sober for yourself. Leave outside issues outside. We do recovery from active alcoholism. If you need relationship advice you need the appropriate outside help.

betterthanyesterday52 · MIP Old Timer

Mike B. Thanks so much for your answer. I will do what you suggested and hopefully, I too will have that peace that I hear about at meetings and read about on this board. I am sorry that you went through what you did but so happy for you that AA was able to help you turn around your life and you are so much happier now.

bikerbill, Thank you for your answer, too....I am sorry I used this board to get personal, but didn't know where else to turn and was trying to ward off the urge to drink.

I'm very shy and backward, but will try to overcome that and ask for help like both of you suggested.

Col · Senior Member

Hi! Welcome. Congrats on 20 days... And remaining strong through what you describe as a trigger.Sounds like You need some women in your life! Sober women who will help you, that is. My advice would be to try to reach out to the women who attend these meetings you've been going to. Get some numbers and try to establish a female sobriety network. Stay focused on your own sobriety, and not anyone else's behavior. I know it's much easier said than done, but it can be done. To create a situation in which you are dependent on anyone is unhealthy. If you have access to public transportation, use it. If you are able to bike it, do that. Or walk if there are meetings nearby. You will gain confidence as you gain independence and with that begin to see situations with more clarity. Just my humble advice:)

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Are there any AA clubs near you? Some of these have several meetings at the same time and you can suggest that the two of you attend separate meetings. Getting some phone numbers of sober women (like Col mentioned) who would likely be glad to help with rides to meetings. women's meetings would be a go place to talk about issues like these. Try and keep focused on your sobriety, this is your way out of your situation.

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Welcome to MIP. What an icky feeling you're having : ( I can relate! Some of this stuff gets rooted out when you've worked through your 4th and 5th steps. What he thinks of you wont matter as much - what you think of you will. You may also find solace in Alanon... but first things first - get your sobriety and step work going, make sure you have a sponsor you can call when things really get to you and your alcoholism makes you think it's okay to drink over it.

Remember above all else, that drinking is not an option and the only way to learn how to deal with life on life's terms, is to live it sober... but there are AA's and your HP to help you and you never have to do this alone.

Senior Member

There's a lot of good advice on this thread, so I'll just reaffirm it. YOUR sobriety needs to come first, so start looking for a sponsor, get copies of the Big Book and 12&12 and start reading them. Ask God for help! Relationship issues will sort themselves out once you start practicing the program.

PhotoPhreak · Senior Member

This is a Selfish Program. Take care of yourself as has been said. That was my down fall. Other than wanting to drink to ignore what was going on. Welcome. I was sober for quite a few years but fell out of the Program. It does not matter how many times you come back! As long as you do. We keep each other sober by sharing.

betterthanyesterday52 · MIP Old Timer

Thanks for all your great advice and I will take it and continue to try my best to stay sober. I noticed someone used my real name. I just filled in the necessary info when I first signed up on this board, and had no idea it would be visible to anyone, and that only my user ID would show. Does anyone know how to remove this as I would prefer to remain anonymous. Thanks again!

Senior Member

Click on "User Details" on the top right of the forum. Then click on "Edit Profile" on the left. Delete your name and click "Save Changes."

Fyne Spirit · MIP Old Timer

One of the things my sponsor hammered into me was that people have feet of clay, they are fallible, and even with the best of intentions, one day they will let you down. Conditional sobriety never works. The Big book is really strong on this point. This passage is from page 98.

"Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job - wife or no wife - we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God. Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house."

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Welcome 'betterthanyesterday52' ... ... ... Glad you found us ... a lot of good adive has been given already ... please keep us up to date

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

You mentioned that your current partner is "all you have" and I suspect that thought right there is interfering with your sobriety and your program. Codependency or flat out dependency on others was a HUGE issue for me when I first started AA. When I inventoried my fears, one of my biggest ones was of being alone. Over time, I have nurtured my spiritual connection to my HP and I realize I am not alone ever. I have a link to other people and to my HP always. I am complete and I "have" lots regardless of what relationship I'm in. That has stopped that panicked feeling about needing significant others so badly that I obsessed over them leaving me, cheating...all that you described.

So, I just wanted to assure you that, if you stay focused on your program no matter what and if you put AA first and sobriety first, you will grow strong through your fellows and your HP. Sounds like this guy is a jerk but it also sounds like you are using him too because of being so scared to be on your own (that is what I did in relationships). If you can progress into your sobriety you will feel more whole and not be entering into relationships in such a needy state. THEN...you will just kick the losers to the curb who don't treat you right and you won't have this drama.

Trust me - it's an inside job as they say. If you heal yourself, your relationships will get better and you will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle you.

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Nice PC

betterthanyesterday52 · MIP Old Timer

Thank you to everyone who responded. Wow! This site sure has some wonderful supportive people! Hopefully, after I get a year or more of sobriety under my belt, I can help others like you good folks do! Blessings to You! Went to my AA meeting earlier and today is my 3rd week. Cannot wait until I get my 30 day chip! I am going to be smiling all the way up to get it! I've never gotton one of those before.

Senior Member

You can start helping others now, not in a year. In fact, if you want to stay sober, you have to give it away. Shake someone's hand at the meeting, greet a newcomer, tell them they're welcome, ask the chairperson if you can help set up or break down, or make coffee, anything. You may "only" have 3 weeks, but there may be somebody there with only 3 days - let them know you care.

One of the most important things my sponsor taught me when I first got sober, was that I wouldn't get much out of meetings unless I went there to help someone else.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

betterthanyesterday52 wrote:
. I noticed someone used my real name. . Does anyone know how to remove this as I would prefer to remain anonymous. Thanks again!

I removed your name from the above posts. smile

Fyne Spirit · MIP Old Timer

Q wrote:
You can start helping others now, not in a year. In fact, if you want to stay sober, you have to give it away. Shake someone's hand at the meeting, greet a newcomer, tell them they're welcome, ask the chairperson if you can help set up or break down, or make coffee, anything. You may "only" have 3 weeks, but there may be somebody there with only 3 days - let them know you care.

One of the most important things my sponsor taught me when I first got sober, was that I wouldn't get much out of meetings unless I went there to help someone else.

In all my years in AA there is NOTHING TRUER than this. Thanks Q.

"Nothing will so much ensure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics" Big Book.

God bless,

MikeH.

betterthanyesterday52 · MIP Old Timer

I thought I read (on one of my last sober attempts...) that you had to have that amount of time. Guess the drinking I did since that time warped my memory...and thank you, Q, for letting me know I can start helping now. One of the meetings I have been going to hasn't had coffee in the last two weeks and they have been asking for volunteers to do that. I am surprised, as the meeting is quite full of people. I have wanted to offer but because I thought I wasn't in AA long enough, I couldn't do it. So I will offer at that next meeting.

Senior Member

betterthanyesterday52 wrote:
I thought I read (on one of my last sober attempts...) that you had to have that amount of time. Guess the drinking I did since that time warped my memory...and thank you, Q, for letting me know I can start helping now. One of the meetings I have been going to hasn't had coffee in the last two weeks and they have been asking for volunteers to do that. I am surprised, as the meeting is quite full of people. I have wanted to offer but because I thought I wasn't in AA long enough, I couldn't do it. So I will offer at that next meeting.

That's the spirit! Get involved! Perhaps you heard someone say you shouldn't be a sponsor until you've had a year of sobriety, but there are a thousand little things you can do to give away your sobriety in the meantime.

At any rate, length of sobriety isn't a good criterion for choosing a sponsor. I've met many old-timers that exhibit the characteristics of dry drunks. You should choose a sponsor based on their knowledge of the Big Book and 12&12. Don't be afraid to ask a potential sponsor if they've worked through all the steps as described in the literature.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

betterthanyesterday52 wrote:
I thought I read (on one of my last sober attempts...) that you had to have that amount of time. Guess the drinking I did since that time warped my memory...and thank you, Q, for letting me know I can start helping now. One of the meetings I have been going to hasn't had coffee in the last two weeks and they have been asking for volunteers to do that. I am surprised, as the meeting is quite full of people. I have wanted to offer but because I thought I wasn't in AA long enough, I couldn't do it. So I will offer at that next meeting.

Hey betterthanyesterday52, ... ... ...

I was at a meeting once where a newcomer was on his 2nd day of detox ... in pretty bad shape ... when a topic was asked about at the beginning of a meeting ... He abruptly spoke up and asked, how the hell do I stay sober ??? ...

The Chairperson said that we have several people sitting right here with many years of sobriety, so just stick around and listen to them ... this guy said I don't care about what they have to say, I want to hear from that guy over there that has one week sober ... he asked the guy, just how in the world did you stay sober for a whole week ???

SO, you see? ... even a person with one week sober has something to offer the newcomer ... ya see? ... this guy could NOT relate to sober time in terms of years ... but in terms of days or weeks, he was willing to listen ... !!!

God Bless,

Pappy

Mike B. · MIP Old Timer

Great share Pappy! Makes sense to me.

betterthanyesterday52 · MIP Old Timer

That is a great share, Pappy! After the meeting, I forced myself to go up to a person whose first day of sobriety and her first meeting was today. She was very appreciative and I felt really good that I was encouraged on this board to do that, as I don't think I would have been able to. An old timer at the meeting saw me and mentioned that it was a good thing I did that, and I mentioned it felt funny at first as there were so many others who have been in the program alot longer than me (I feel like a preschooler among high schoolers). He told me basically what you said above about alot of new people want to hear how someone made it just a few days. I just now read your posting and it is something that I heard that twice today :) :) Big Smiles on My Face.

And thanks, Q.....I will be sure to ask those things you suggested. I am just scared of what they might ask me.

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Better welcome also from the Pacific Ocean...It is good to have you hear and watch the program in action. People have come to your aid and you practiced that at your meeting with a newcomer...in short that is what "giving it away is" we duplicate what we are taught; what we learn from listening with our eyes and ears and spirit. One of the big truths about AA is that it really is a "You" program...fix you and everything else gets fixed. I was told I would have to remove myself from all things alcohol and I did and that included most of my friends and family and my alcoholic/addict wife at that time. I don't know where I got the energy to do that...probably from the sober energy in the rooms and it did come about. I gravitated toward the women I drank with and not now. Keep coming back here because you have been supported by others including other women who were newbies at one time and now have good sober time. Congradulations on the 21 days you have and the courage to not drink instead...that is something I duplicate so thanks for the support. (((((hugs))))) smile

Fyne Spirit · MIP Old Timer

betterthanyesterday52 wrote:
That is a great share, Pappy! After the meeting, I forced myself to go up to a person whose first day of sobriety and her first meeting was today. She was very appreciative and I felt really good that I was encouraged on this board to do that, as I don't think I would have been able to. An old timer at the meeting saw me and mentioned that it was a good thing I did that, and I mentioned it felt funny at first as there were so many others who have been in the program alot longer than me (I feel like a preschooler among high schoolers). He told me basically what you said above about alot of new people want to hear how someone made it just a few days. I just now read your posting and it is something that I heard that twice today :) :) Big Smiles on My Face.

And thanks, Q.....I will be sure to ask those things you suggested. I am just scared of what they might ask me.

I just can't help feeling there is a miracle in progress here:)

Senior Member

Fyne Spirit wrote:
betterthanyesterday52 wrote:
That is a great share, Pappy! After the meeting, I forced myself to go up to a person whose first day of sobriety and her first meeting was today. She was very appreciative and I felt really good that I was encouraged on this board to do that, as I don't think I would have been able to. An old timer at the meeting saw me and mentioned that it was a good thing I did that, and I mentioned it felt funny at first as there were so many others who have been in the program alot longer than me (I feel like a preschooler among high schoolers). He told me basically what you said above about alot of new people want to hear how someone made it just a few days. I just now read your posting and it is something that I heard that twice today :) :) Big Smiles on My Face.

And thanks, Q.....I will be sure to ask those things you suggested. I am just scared of what they might ask me.
I just can't help feeling there is a miracle in progress here:)

Indeed. God is good.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Let's not forget that we are all part of that miracle, for sure!