Yes ours is a daily journey..WE reach our  emotional acceptance of utter defeat and begin our healing by putting down the substance and we go to work instilling the spiritual principles of the program in all areas of our lives to attain that daily fit spiritual condition that keeps us from refunding our misery..Ours was a journey of physical,mental and spiritual breakdown and we regress first spiritually ,them mentally and if gone unchecked the possibilities of picking up again are amplified. You have taken a great look at the "exact nature of whats going on with you" sharing it and seeking to remain in the solution. Even after almost 3 decades of freedom from active addiction I also have had thoughts(briefly) pass thru that vast universe I call my mind saying "sure you could use successfully  now, you have changed,life is different......WRONG!!! I am alcoholic, I cannot use any substances in any form.There is no such thing for "just a little" for this old hardhead and like you ,there was so much pain to me and all around me that every daily journey is constant reminder of always seeking that fit spiritual condition and sharing where I am at and seeking our solution...WE are human and we falter but we don't pick up...Because of my faith beliefs I no longer use foul or disrespecting language to the best of my ability.I once didn't know how to speak without an F BOMB adjective,adverb or general conversation without the color words.....But every so often I go into a 5-10 word rampage on my language bombardment. My wife would say"well whats all that about" and I would know that it just was building up,it was released and I knew it was time to get back to looking inside seeing what the heck is going on...WE may fall down, but now we get back up...Thank you Tasha for putting the program in action for us to hear that no matter what,WE don't pick up.we see ourselves coming and we get back on track immediately....Our individual HP's give us the strength and ability to get back on track and by constant 3rd/11th STEP application and our other spiritual guidelines we remain free for another day....THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE AND THE HELP !!! Peace and serenity........... 

Thank you thank you thank you. Great share. I needed to read it.

As time goes by you will get these evil thoughts "Was it really that bad?" Ask your husband if you ever "forget" but as long as you keep it real like you just did, you wont forget. Going to meetings and hearing from the newcomer keeps it "green" as they say also.

Sometimes I feel like I am so far from my last drink that it shouldn't be a problem. I have too many examples of people going back out and "doing research" to find out that it didn't work out to well. I care about myself to much to sabotage like that.

I have an uncle in his late 70s that got sober with making major lifestyle changes with religion and becoming a compulsive excerciser (he had and still has such major ISMs and is a massive dry drunk). Anyhow, without any AA I guess that made it easier for him to justify starting to drink again after over 35 years sober. Within a year, he was falling down and had an "accident" where he passed out in the bathroom and smashed his head on the sink on the way down. 35 years and no drinking....at 78 years old! Look how long that crap laid dormant! He's okay now I guess. Back on the wagon but still...

Don't ever forget your bottom. That way you wont have to have another one.

Yup. It sneaks up on you. Whispers weasel words....it wasn't that bad...you just needed a breather....you'll be fine now... BOLLOCKS! It was that bad It will kill me.....but it will have me give everything away before it takes what's left of me.....it'll take my money, my possesions, my relationship both with others and myself....it'll take my health, ,honour, sanity....it'll take my morals and my liberty.....and yhen, when I'm an empty shell.....it'll keep me alive in misery until it takes my life. It seems that the further away I am from my last drink the clearer I remember what I gave it. All the power. I was never a safe drinker. I never knew what would happen after taking the first drink....sometimes nothing but with increasing frequency I took the next and the next and the next. I did things, thought things, bought things, sold things, destroyed, betrayed, hurt, in ways that even at the time disgusted me. Do I want to become that person again? Do I want to act out those behavious again? No. I do not. How shall I not revert to old behaviours, old thoughts, old life? I won't pick up the first drink, one day at a time. Work the programme in my life. Remind myself that the only thing I need to know about God is there is one....and it's not me.

Thanks for the wonderful thread on gratitude, Tasha. It really hit home for me, especially with all my health problems and everything. It does make you wonder, though, about life and all things in between. If God has taught me anything during the last twelve years it would be this: Nothing, and I mean nothing, is beyond his reach, including you dear. All it takes is a little faith and a hand full of perseverance and anything is possible. So hang in there as best you can; you'll get through this I know you will. 

My heart really goes out to you, though, especially after all the wonderful times we spent here on M.I.P. So buckle up for now, Tasha, there's still a long road to travel. Oh, one last thing: This place, M.I.P, wouldn't be the same without you, hands down. So keep you head high and your heart open: It may be the beginning of something extraordinary, I could only hope.

You did make a wonderful point, though: Why can some people drink responsibly while others can't? Good question. For me, it was quite simple: I used any and every excuse imaginable as a reason to drink. So it didn't take long before the perils of alcoholism took over. That was then. Flash forward twenty years later, and many more years wiser, and you'll find a person who, like yourself Tasha, has been reborn. It was like "I found my true calling on the road I took to avoid it." Funny how that works out, and so have you. I can always search for reasons as to why I shouldn't be an alcoholic, but in the end I'd rather search for something that has real significance, like the camaraderie I find in the rooms of A.A. It's the glue that binds my life together.  

Let's face it, though: There will be times in our lives when we start questioning things, like: Can we drink responsibly again? Can we actually put a drink into our mouths without obsessing over the next one? If we've already made A.A. our home, then we've already made a clear choice not to drink, so why even go there? It's like asking a diabetic if he wants more sugar. It doesn't make much sense. So from an alcoholic perspective there's only one choice to make: Stay the course. It's the best medicine anyone can afford.

Here's a poem to ease your heavy heart:

                 ~Today~

I've shut the door on yesterday
its sorrows and mistakes,
I've looked within its gloomy walls,
past failures and heartaches.
And now I throw the key away,
to seek another room,
and function it with hope and smiles,
and every springtime bloom.
No thought shall enter this abode,
that has a hint of pain,
and envy, malice, and distrust,
shall never entrance gain.
I've shut the door on yesterday,
and thrown the key away,
tomorrow holds no fear for me,
since I have found today.....

~Author Unknown~

How true...Onward.

justadrunk wrote:

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I wished I was dead. 

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I was there....What a dark place to be. Keep following the light Tasha....I'm glad you are here too.

justadrunk wrote:

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 A little more than a year ago I passed out drunk with my children in my care.  I drove drunk with my children and told myself it was okay because my Dad did it all the time.  I was so hung over that my heart rate was over 150 beats per minute laying down.  My family was living in hell.  My children were traumatized.  My husband was breaking.  My heart was breaking.  I wished I was dead. 

 

 

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So sadly familiar. I 'volunteered' to stay home and look after my little girl while the wife worked. She got some adult interaction, we got some extra money, and me and my princess got some bonding time.

 

I was caught blind drunk while my 2 yo went through the cupboards pulling out knifes, glass and all sorts of deadlies.

 

I'll do something like buy my now 5 yo an ice cream (or whatever), and she'll say: "You're the best dad ever!".

 

And inside a piece of me shamefully hides.

 

The Great Controller deemed it a good idea to gift me this girl to look after for a bunch of years, but sometimes I wonder if He got it right.